https://www.sbs.com.au/news/insight/article/how-a-cancer-diagnosis-helped-me-find-my-biological-dad/xzc4ec9e4How a cancer diagnosis helped me find my biological dad
Andrew was 46 when he was diagnosed with cancer. That same year he met his biological father for the first time.
In 2017, at the age 46, I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. As this was an ‘older man’s’ problem, I started to wonder, as an adopted person, if this was hereditary. I also wondered if there were any other conditions that I needed to be aware of, for myself and for my kids. I had never really felt the need before this, as I was content with my adopted family. However, there was always the missing pieces of the puzzle about the biological side. In 2010, I attempted to contact my birth mother but got no response. In 2017, after my health news, I wanted to approach her again to learn about my medical history, but again she did not respond. It surfaced past hurts about being adopted. At the same time, I decided to also contact my birth father, but I was apprehensive. I was born in the 1970’s and my mother was forced to move interstate to deliver me. This made me wonder if my father even knew about me?
I didn’t want to create a problem for a man who may not have known I existed. All I knew about him was his first and middle name (his last name was redacted), his age, the city where he lived and that he had a sister. Like an amateur detective, I searched through the electoral roll records on Ancestry and narrowed down my search. After some more cross-referencing I was now convinced I had found my biological father. It felt exciting! The Post Adoption Resource Centre (PARC) took over from here. A few weeks later I received a voicemail from my counsellor at PARC telling me she had contacted my father. She shared that she deals with many phone calls, just like this one, but commented that Gary’s response was so profound and powerful that his emotion was palpable. She gave me his number. I took a deep breath and dialled. When he picked up the phone and said, “Gary speaking”, I said, “Hello, this is your son, Andrew”.
He responded with so much emotion that he was barely able to speak. He said, “I’ve been waiting 46 years for this call’.
During that first call, I learned that my mother and father were engaged to be married when she fell pregnant. My father suggested they marry immediately. My mother ended the relationship and later moved to Sydney to put me up for adoption with another family. He called my mother regularly and pleaded with her not to take the adoption option. He visited the home where she was staying and requested he take me and raise me. However he wasn’t allowed because it was felt at the time that a man could not raise a baby on his own. He was devastated. My Dad even completed forms to try and find me but got no response. As the years rolled by, he gave up hope of ever finding me, but he did think of me often. I was to be his only child. I finally got to meet Dad, and his wonderful partner, Jean in person a few weeks after that first phone call. As I made my way through the airport, I was both excited and nervous. We made eye contact and tears started flowing for both of us immediately. We embraced, laughed, and cried. You can’t cover a lost 46 years in any other way. It was an incredible reunion that we will never forget.It is a surreal experience when you meet someone for the first time with whom you share DNA. We walk the same, laugh at the same things, and have many other common attributes. He was overflowing with joy when he met his three grandchildren on Skype for the first time. To this day, my Dad and I are very close. We speak regularly on Skype as we live far apart from one another. We catch up on the usual things Dads and sons discuss, but also share the stories that we missed the chance to share. As I reflect on this positive reunion experience, I am truly grateful for the chance to get to know my dad. I could not have made this journey without the support and encouragement of my wife Katrina and the help from my sister and PARC. My three beautiful children were happy to welcome extra grandparents into our family. They have embraced the additions with warmth and enthusiasm. Who we are does not always come from knowing our biological family, but it did help to answer some of the questions I had around my adoption.
