https://www.diply.com/102862/parents-who-regret-adopting-a-child-tell-their-storyParents Who Regret Adopting A Child Tell Their Story
Paddy Clarke
3 Dec 2019
Having children is a huge milestone in a person's life. It is a decision that will affect you for the rest of your time on Earth. Adoption is a great way to give a loving home to a child who has tragically not been given that chance, and there are plenty of wonderful adoption success stories; however, sometimes adoption doesn't necessarily go how the parents think it will. One person took to Reddit to find out what caused the adoption process to go wrong for some people, by asking, "Parents who adopted a child and then regretted it, what's your story?"
There was a multitude of tragic stories written in response, and I have gathered for you a collection of the most devastating. (Please be aware that some of these stories contain instances of abuse, so please read with caution)
1. Psychological Issues
I've told this story a few times, but we adopted a 3-year-old. He had a few behavior issues, which we attributed to trauma and sought appropriate help. He did well for several years, but when he turned 9 he began displaying dangerous behaviors. Hurting animals, hoarding things in his room, making suicidal comments, sexually inappropriate. "We ramped up the doc visits and therapy, but he was still admitted to the hospital 3 times before he turned 10. When he was 10, we woke up to our house burning down. He thought it was a party. I spent a few years in a facility, till insurance got sick of paying. They told us we could pay $40k a month to keep him there or bring him home. We have other younger children and his therapist agreed it wasn't safe. So we refused to pick him up, and now we have a child abuse (for abandonment) record." — Steph83
Adoption can be a very tricky process. It sounds like this family did everything that they could for this child, and when the child became a danger for their other children, it's hard to see what other options they had.
2. Adopting A Deaf Baby
"Before adopting me, my parents adopted a baby who they quickly learned was deaf. They didn’t feel like they could raise the baby properly so they worked with the adoption agency to find deaf parents who were thrilled to have her instead. At first, I thought it was kind of fucked up that my parents would 'return' a baby, but it really worked out better for everyone in the end." — gerdinots
A lot of people were quick to comment on how this person's parents had done the right thing. If the parents can truly understand the child's disability more fully, then they will be able to help the child to grow while using experiences from their own life.
3. Self-Sabotage
"A woman I worked with had been fostering a 1ar-old girl for over 2 years and had started the adoption process. The girl had a history of trouble with her previous fosterers but had been doing very well with them for the whole time they were fostering her. She was seeing a therapist regularly and everything was shaping up to be a clean adoption process. Then she started acting out suddenly. They had several emergency sessions with her therapist but the girl shut everyone out. The final straw was when she accused my coworker's husband of raping her. She admitted to lying, but obviously they didn't want to risk having someone who would lie like that in the house. It could have ruined her husband's life. The adoption fell through and she went back into the foster care system." — doggoismyfriend
This person went on to write that, according to her coworker's therapist, it is quite common for children from unstable homes to begin acting out when the prospect of finally settling in a stable home arises. It can be a form of self-sabotage.
4. Abandoning Adoptive Parents With Babies
"A neighbor lost her only child in a car accident when the child was 17. Adopted a 6-year-old girl, Greta, from a foreign country a few years later when the neighbor was 50. Greta had some emotional & behavioral problems which later turned into psychological problems, the neighbor tried various therapists, doctors, drugs, etc. Greta ended up running away the first time at 14. Her main excuse was that she was trying to get back to the family that neighbor 'stole' her from. Greta disappeared at 16 for over a year and then the neighbor is getting a phone call from a hospital 5 states away. Greta had given birth and seven hours later walked out without the baby but did leave neighbor's name & contact info. So the neighbor is 67 and raising an infant. Greta comes back a year later and basically blackmails neighbor (give her money or she'll steal the baby like neighbor stole Greta). Greta then disappears for a couple of years only to leave another baby in another hospital. So neighbor is now in her 80s and is raising two kids who have behavioral & emotional issues." — jaimystery
5. "It's the one thing in my life I wish I could undo."
"We adopted twins and the experience destroyed our family. Psych admissions, drug use, school expulsions, threats on our lives, starting fires, involvement with gangs, wrecked cars, etc. I could go on. It's the one thing in my life I wish I could undo. We're not alone. I knew one mother in town who deadbolt locked her bedroom door and slept with a knife under her pillow out of fear of her adoptive daughter. Another family had to send their adopted daughter off for a year of residential treatment." — Ulven53
They adopted these twins at age 5 from an orphanage in Russia. This person went on to write that they did not want to discourage people from adoption but just wanted to make people aware that is can be a difficult and challenging process.
6. Extreme Abuse
"I'm an adoptee from the '50s. I was taken in by a foster family who abused me starting in infancy. Physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually. Both of them. They only adopted me when the State of Mississippi told them that if they did, the abuse would be considered 'discipline'. If they didn't, they could have been charged. So they adopted. The abuse, in every extreme, went on until I left the home at age 15. I never went back though they never left me alone until they died in 2002 and 2008 respectively. Other members of that family want to deny it all. It happened. I didn't make things up and had it not occurred, it wouldn't be as complicated as I am today at 65. It goes both ways people." — djpp65
I can't imagine having to be constantly running away from your abusers like that until the day they died. Hopefully, the family of this person's adoptive parents will have since left them alone.
7. Lied To About The Child's Age
"I grew up with a girl who was adopted from Africa, from what turned out to be a super shady agency. They were told they were getting a newborn, she arrived almost a year old and extremely malnourished and neglected. She was terrified of adults, and because of the malnourishment dealt with a lot of pain getting healthy again. The first year was hell, and too much for her adopted dad and he split. By the time I met her she was in kindergarten and a pretty normal, well-adjusted kid with a loving and devoted single mom, but I know from my mom that her mom wouldn’t have done it if she knew she would be alone with that unhealthy, unhappy baby. She got remarried when we were in second grade and they adopted another kid a year later, a little girl from China through an agency several parents at our school had used." — actuallyasuperhero
8. Lying About Going To University
"My great uncle and great aunt adopted a girl. She was spoiled sweet and raised in utmost privilege in a mansion with servants, back when such things were possible. She goes to university and is in her final year, so she hosts a graduation party at their house. It cost thousands, with everything being the finest quality. She wasn't even close to graduating. She had barely passed half of her classes in her first year, but she then lied to her parents about it for TWO years, pretending to go to an expensive university while using their money for other things. They found out during the party and felt publicly humiliated, as was expected. She wasn't disowned or anything, but they almost cut off contact with her." — KPX-138
It must have crushed them to have been lied to for such a long period of time! And, to find out at a party must have only added to their feelings of embarrassment.
9. Developing Feelings For Her Sibling
"My neighbors when I was about 10 years old adopted a girl that was my age. They already had 3 other adopted children and 1 that was actually their own. This poor girl was 10 years old and they changed her name from something that she went by her whole life. She had a whole slew of issues, but what topped it off was when she started developing a crush on one of her adopted brothers. The mother and the son caught the adopted daughter watching him sleep multiple times. And there were a few times where she would hold him down and tickle him inappropriately. He was only 8 years old. I think the cherry on the cake was when the mom found a journal the girl had been keeping saying how much she was in love with that little boy and things she wanted to do to him. They sent her back to her foster home after only a few months of her living with them." — coconutmilk-1
This person responded to another's comment to write that they don't know what happened to the girl ultimately.
10. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
"Standard 'not my story but...'. My parents best friends adopted a son from Russia as a 2-year-old. He is the poster child of fetal alcohol syndrome effects. Violent, learning issues, the shortest temper, the works. His poor (adoptive) parents tried everything. They are great parents and had already raised 3, (two of their own and 1 foster kid). This boy gave them every issue. He was violent and disrespectful towards them, towards teachers, toward fellow students, he couldn't be controlled. They cried over him a lot. Legally disowned him at 17 after he stabbed their other kid with a kitchen knife"
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome comes as a result of exposure to alcohol during the mother's pregnancy. The condition can lead to physical defects, mental conditions, and behavioural issues.
11. Having Their Child Taken Away
"A fellow teacher friend could not have kids of her own and her and her husband fostered a child for 5 years and went through the process to adopt him. They were two weeks away from everything being finalized and an aunt came and took the child. The kid (who called the pair mom and dad) and the couple (who thought of the kid as their son) were all destroyed. The aunt had years to come forward and never did and the judge who allowed it was a piece of work. When it comes up she never can decide whether she regrets it or whether it was just a great experience to remember. However, they never fostered again and go to weekly therapy to help them cope." — Sunhammer01
This is not only cruel to the adoptive parents, but to the child. They waited until the child was ready to move on to swoop in.
12. From A Loving Home To A Hate-Filled One
"This is just a sad story, and only somewhat related. My grandpa's parents had 6 kids before him. He was the 7th. And they didn't want him, so they gave him up for adoption as a baby. He had wonderful, loving parents. In a stable home. He was the only child. Then when he was 5, his parents were in a fatal accident and they both died. My grandpa somehow survived. And instead of being sent to foster care, he ended up back at his birth parents' house. He went from this amazing, loving home. To an abusive one with 6 other children running around. They had no money, so they constantly went hungry. His parents beat him and made sure he knew he wasn't wanted by them. When he was 13, his dad drove him to the Ohio border and told him to get out of the truck. Then he drove off without him." — rainam boss
13. How Could You Say Such A Thing?
"I'm the adoptee. My adoptive mom had some kidney problems that prevented her from carrying a child. Or so she thought. She was told later that she could have. She told me that had she known then what she knows now that she wouldn't have adopted me and would have had 'her own' children instead. I was about 12 at the time and it was devastating." — spyrokie
How someone could think that it is okay to say this to a child is beyond me. This person also went on to say that this left them with suicidal thoughts; hopefully, they are doing better now.
14. Suicidal Child
"I'm the adoptee, but I feel like my parents were not expecting the slap in the face they got when they adopted me. I've got a load of mental illnesses (ADD, Bipolar, OCD, and psychosis) and on top of that, I'm trans. I've tried to kill my self more times than I can count on two hands and I've been in a mental hospital like 8 times. I'm doing better now though and I'm probably gonna start HRT within the next month so there's that." — sciencekid04
Hopefully, this person will begin to feel more comfortable in their life once they begin the treatment.
15. Adopted Twins Ended Up In Jail
"I have two adopted Haitian brothers, they are biological brothers and they joined our family at 13 and 11 years old. That was 12 years ago. The younger one is currently in jail for robbery. The older one is not currently in jail but has been in and out for several years now. It's not that my mom regrets adopting them, she loves those boys as much as she does her bio kids, but she does wish things had been different. She adopted them as a single mother and at the age of 65. Both boys were severely malnourished and delayed, both had severe issues stemming from the trauma they endured as 3rd world orphans, and the town my mom was living in at the time was not equipped to handle them. They were immediately labelled as bad kids and there were no supports available. My mom gave it everything she got but despite her efforts, she was unable to set them on a better path in life." — figaden13
They went on to write that, while their mother may not necessarily regret the adoption so to speak, she is very disappointed with how the situation turned out.
16. Sibling Rivalry
"I have two adopted sisters (biological sisters) who came to live with us when they were 3 and 4. Within the first week, they were calling both my parents 'bitch' and using other foul language. Over the years we discovered they both had FAS, one is bipolar and one has Borderline Personality Disorder. They made our lives a constant living nightmare. Any family event that wasn't focused on them would BECOME focused on them because they do anything to get attention, especially negative attention. I grew to hate most holidays, and especially my birthday because it would turn into a great big fight. I don't think my mom regrets adopting, but maybe regrets how she handled things. She's a very forgiving and benefit-of-the-doubt kind of person. I know my dad regrets it, and the majority of their biological kids do. I certainly regret telling my parents I'd be ok with them living with us." — owls_n_bees
17. Not Seeing Eye To Eye With New Parents
"My girlfriend's dad openly admitted to her that it probably wasn't the best idea for them to adopt her when she asked him about it. They very rarely see eye to eye and the whole house is full of different personalities. Even her mum and dad are extremely different and probably shouldn't have got married but most likely only married because they were desperate. Her mum has some mental health issues ranging from anxiety to some personality disorder. Her dad is very quiet and can easily temper and likely has Asperger's or something. My girlfriend was adopted by them when she was 7 and had a very hard life before that, which would, I feel, entitle her to be with more caring emotionally adoptive parents. Alas, you deal with the cards you've been dealt and she has been dealing with it very well!" — Im_You_From_The_Past
This person's girlfriend actually replied to the comment and explained that they have suffered severe emotional and physical abuse at the hands of their adoptive parents. She also wrote that she would make sure that her own children would never be made to endure this sort of life.
18. The Fault Of The System
"Actual foster parent here (haven't adopted). I never regret the kids. I completely regret becoming a foster parent, probably mostly because of the county that I did. It's the bureaucratic bullsh*t and the courts and workers that don't care about the kids that I can't stand. I've had some really tough kids, and one had to move because we couldn't keep him safe, but I've loved them all regardless of their behaviors." — Allredditorsarewomen
There have been a lot of negative stories about adoption here. However, the internet is also full of positive stories that end in loving families being brought together. Adoption may be a hard and difficult process, but in the end, you can end up creating a truly wonderful family.
19. "I Love The Child, But My Wife Hates Her"
"My wife and I can have kids just fine, but a lot of my friends growing up were adopted so I had always wanted to. I went to the classes, everything went well. We adopted a 10yo girl who had been in the foster system since she was 2. She was bright and funny and had some issues (ADHD, some anxiety) but nothing too horrible. The girl was fine. She was super hyper due to the ADHD and had some issues being around gay people (had been molested by a lesbian). We deal with kids like this all the time so it seemed like it wouldn't be a problem. However, my wife doesn't like her. At all. It makes her seem like an inconvenience. The girl gets good grades and is remarkably well adjusted but it doesn't seem to matter. Anything the girl does is wrong according to my wife. I love her completely and treat her as my own. I would never send her back anywhere (even though we also found out she had 2 failed adoptions). However, I do feel like I regret the adoption. She deserves to have a mother that loves her." — s1ayerzer0
20. Constantly Dealing With Police And Social Workers
"A friend did, she adopted a baby girl 10 years after having her own child, she thought she couldn’t have any more kids since she had tried for 8 years. So she adopted a baby that was from a known drug user against the advice of her mother. She ended up getting pregnant and having a couple of kids after adopting her. The adopted kid had/has emotional/behavior issues growing up. These past two years my friend has had to deal with the police, social workers (child protective services), judges, juvenile detention and school personnel. For her adopted daughter stealing, doing drugs, getting drunk, running away, and lying about getting physically abused by my friend. Her younger kids have had to deal with the adopted daughter's behavior and interviewing by social workers. So I would say that’s a big yes on regrets." — bzzybot
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