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21

Articles / A Look at ?Respectful Adoption Language?

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on February 25, 2024, 07:16:27 PM »

https://www.originscanada.org/adoption-practices/adoption-language/respectful-adoption-language/

A Look at ?Respectful Adoption Language?

Over the last 30 years, the adoption industry has developed terminology in order to help ?sell adoption,? even going to far as to admit that it is much like ?selling cars.? This terminology set is known as ?Positive Adoption Language? or ?Respectful Adoption Language.?

The term ?Respectful Adoption Language? is misleading, as the only parties who are respected in this terminology set are the adoptive parents and the adoption agencies.

What this language lacks is respect for people who were separated from loved ones by adoption:  mothers who grieve for their lost children; and adoptees who have lost their identities,  families, and often their culture and genealogy as well.  Their loss and experience is rendered invisible.

This lack of respect has been reinforced by employees and promoters in the adoption industry, who argued that it would be easier to promote public acceptance of adoption if one could first ?linguistically erase? mothers who lost their children to adoption.  One way that they did this was to create the term ?birth mother? to replace the original term ?natural mother.?

The terms ?birthmother? and ?birthparent? were first used by author, adoptive parent, and adoption promoter Pearl S. Buck in articles published in 1955, 1956, and 1972, to refer to the mothers of the children she had adopted or had wanted to adopt.

These terms then were promoted in the early 1970s by adoption business employee Marietta Spencer, who is the creator of ?Positive Adoption Language? or ?Respectful Adoption Language.?   She states in her 1979 article ?The Terminology of Adoption? that adoptive parents and the adoption industry should take control of adoption language:

?Social service professionals and adoptive parents should take responsibility for providing informed and sensitive leadership in the use of words. ? For professionals, the choice of vocabulary helps shape service content? (p. 451).

Spencer then clearly identifies the purpose of ?birth-terms?:   To strip natural mothers of their motherhood, their love for their children, and any recognition that they may still be related in any way to their lost children.

Adoption industry social workers Reuben Pannor, Annette Baran, and Arthur Sorosky promoted these terms as well in articles they published in 1974 through 1976.  Through these avenues, the social work profession began applying them into ?triad support groups;? and the burgeoning ?open records movement? felt that by using these terms (that suppress and deny the motherhood of natural mothers), they could perhaps enlist the support of adoptive parents and adoption agencies.  Some groups felt pressured to use ?birth terms.?  Author B.J. Lifton recalls:

? The reform movement tangled with the issue of language as early as the seventies. Lee Campbell, the founder of CUB, just reminded me that I argued for the term ?natural mother? because it was the one used in all the historical texts. It was the term I used in my memoir Twice Born, which came out in 1975.  And I still prefer it. But somehow the struggle with the agencies and adoptive parent groups narrowed down to ?birth mother? and ?biological mother.?

This new terminology set was intended to comfort the people who were adopting, as it was assumed that they wanted to be the sole parents of the child.  The original term ?natural mother? was to be eliminated by RAL as it implied that the child?s mother had not lost her mothering connection and relationship to her child.

Thus, the term ?birth mother? is intended to imply that mothers who were separated from a child by adoption *were* mothers at the time of their children?s birth but not afterwards, having a solely reproductive role in their children?s lives and history. Defining a woman this way reduces her as being nothing more than a breeder. This attitude towards unmarried mothers, as being living ?production units? or sources of babies for adoption, is also evident in the industry?s writings:

?Because there are many more married couples wanting to adopt newborn white babies than there are babies, it may almost be said that they rather than out of wedlock babies are a social problem. (Sometimes social workers in adoption agencies have facetiously suggested setting up social provisions for more ?babybreeding?)? from ?Social Work and Social Problems,? National Association of Social Workers, 1964.

?... the tendency growing out of the demand for babies is to regard unmarried mothers as breeding machines?(by people intent) upon securing babies for quick adoptions.? ? Leontine Young, ?Is Money Our Trouble?? National Conference of Social Workers, 1953.

As for the term ?birthfather,? it is a physical impossibility as men cannot give birth. Therefor, the male equivalent of ?birthmother? would have to be something just as ?ejaculation father.?  RAL proponents also suggest using ?sperm donor,? ?gene donor,? and ?biological stranger? for a father who has lost a child to adoption.

The terms birthchild,  birthson, and birthdaughter were coined to imply that the relationship of adoptees to their natural parents ended at birth, and thus the adoptee is a ?product? produced by unrelated ?breeders.?   This is intentional on the part of the industry, to ?sell? the idea that adoption is ?just like having a child of your own.?

The TRUTH is that in reunion, exiled natural parents and their lost children often find that the deep spiritual and emotional bonds between them have never been severed, despite years of separation.  Deep emotions of connection still exist, and family relationships can be restored.  Thus, the b-words are wishful thinking on the part of the industry (adoption lawyers, social workers and agencies).

As one natural mother states:

??Respectful Adoption Language? denies us any recognition that we are mothers, and by limiting our motherhood to the act of birth, it reduces us to being nothing more than breeders, valued only for performing a uterine function.  By denying that we are mothers, ?Respectful Adoption Language; denies that we are related to our children in any way, shape, or form.?

Many women who have lost children to adoption feel their loss to have been as traumatic as rape.  These mothers feel the trauma every time they hear the term ?birthmother,? as it denigrates them and other exiled mothers into being merely incubators for their children ? used and discarded after their babies were harvested from them.

In many support groups for exiled mothers and adoptees, members are beginning to become aware of the semantics of these words, and to by consensus use language that does not traumatize other members, and to not use language that was coined by the adoption industry in order to demean natural mothers or the mother/child relationship.   People separated by adoption are realizing the meanings of  the ?Respectful Adoption Language? terms created and imposed upon them by the industry, and are rejecting these labels. They are showing dignity and pride by reclaiming terms such as ?natural mother? and ?natural family? as ways of stating that the mother-child bond, their family relationship, did not end with birth, but has continued on, often despite decades of separation.
References:

    Baran, A., Pannor, R., and Sorosky, A. (November, 1974).  ?Adoptive Parents and the Sealed Records Controversy,? in Social Casework, 55, (1974), pp. 531-536.
    Baran, A., Pannor, R., and Sorosky, A. (1976).  ?Open Adoption,? in  Social Work, 21, pp. 97-100 (adapted from a paper presented in 1975)
    Buck, Pearl S.  (1955).  ?Must We Have Orphanages?? in Readers Digest, November 1955; Vol. 67, No. 403.
    Buck, Pearl S.   (1956).   ?We Can Free the Children,? in Women?s Home Companion, June 1956.
    Buck, Pearl S.  (1972).   ?I Am the Better Woman for Having My Two Black Children,? in Today?s Health, January 1972.
    Gerow, Darlene. (2002). ? Infant Adoption Is Big Business in America? (PDF)
    Lifton, B.J.  (September 12, 2006).  Personal correspondence with Origins Canada
    Pannor, R., Sorosky, A., and  Baran, A. (December, 1974).  ?Opening the Sealed Records in Adoption ? The Human Need for Continuity,? in  Jewish Community Service, 51 (1974), pp. 188-195.
    Sorosky, A., Baran, A., and Pannor, R. (January, 1974) ?The reunion of adoptees and birth relatives,? in  Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 3, pp. 195-206.
    Sorosky, A., Baran, A., and Pannor, R. (1975). ?Identity conflicts in adoptees,? in The American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 45 (January 1975), pp. 18-25
    Spencer, Marietta. (1979). ?The Terminology of Adoption.? in Child Welfare Vol. 58, No. 7, pp. 451-459.

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Articles / The Damaging Effects of Misrepresentation of Adoption in the Media

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on February 25, 2024, 07:09:58 PM »

https://stuyspec.com/article/the-damaging-effects-of-misrepresentation-of-adoption-in-the-media

The Damaging Effects of Misrepresentation of Adoption in the Media
Representations of adoption falsely shape mainstream attitudes.
Reading Time: 4 minutes
By Juliet Burguieres
Issue 8, Volume 113

From Superman to Annie, adoption is a part of the media we love. For many writers, adoption adds a level of complexity to their stories that appeals to audiences while still keeping a family-friendly tone. However, despite the large selection of stories involving adoption, only a few positively portray adoptees and their families.

Movies and TV shows like Stuart Little, The Owl House, Elf, and even the IMDb description of I Am the Night (about ?a teenage girl looking for her real father?) use the term ?real? to describe biological families. When characters interchangeably use ?real? and ?biological,? it suggests that the inverse is also true that ?fake? and ?adoptive? are the same. While this seems harmless, it proves that screenwriters are happy to exploit adoption stories. Even a minimal amount of research would find that the adoption community prefers the term ?biological family? over ?real family.?

Other shows, like Netflix?s Carmen Sandiego and Green Eggs and Ham, romanticize the issue of abandonment. In these shows, birth parents were forced to relinquish their children because they were involved in flashy crime organizations or were high-profile spies, respectively. These are irresponsible plotlines that may prompt adopted children to fantasize about another family out there that leads a glamorous life and is willing and able to care for them. Sadly, this is almost never the case. It sends the message that an adoptive family is like a placeholder for the ?real? one that an adopted child should search for.

In a more sinister manner, Orphan and its sequel Orphan: First Kill are horror movies about families who adopt a child only to learn that this ?child? is a homicidal grown woman. These films encourage parents to seemingly shield their biological children against the foreign threat, demonizing adopted children in favor of biological children. They suggest that adoption is dangerous and reinforce the idea that an adopted child is an outsider who does not belong.

Netflix?s The Umbrella Academy is another example that exemplifies the misunderstanding of the familial bonds adoption creates. The show depicts seven children whom an eccentric billionaire ?bought? because of their extraordinary superhuman abilities. Not only does the show promote the idea that adopted children are commodities, but the series also goes on to explore a romantic relationship between two of the adoptive siblings, which has rightfully elicited backlash.

However, some viewers justify these misrepresentations as attempts to create interesting media. As one article put it, The Umbrella Academy should be allowed to misrepresent adoption because ?the point? is to ?creat[e] compelling art.? This author believes that since the incestuous relationship ?presents a challenging dilemma for the characters,? it is okay to make people uncomfortable. This show and many others like it, decides to delegitimize the bonds formed in adoption in favor of a more dramatic plotline.

If you?re getting tired of this list, imagine how tired adopted families feel. My family adopted my sister almost eight years ago. Unfortunately, representations of adoptive families in mainstream media are often inaccurate. We try to protect my sister from watching media that misrepresents adoption, but it is hard. We are tired of digging through articles and spoiling plot lines to avoid showing my baby sister a degrading movie or show, which is all too common in much of the media currently produced for children.

Importantly, negative messages about adoption aren?t confined to the screen. For many of the harmful depictions of adoption in the media, my family has personal experiences that reflect the messages they promote. My sister was once on a Zoom playdate with a girl from her school when, out of nowhere, the girl began interrogating her about where her ?real family? was. My mother calmly informed the little girl that we were my sister?s ?real? family, but when she informed the child?s parents of the incident, they saw no issue with their child?s insensitive question. As a society, we have become accustomed to exploiting adoption with no regard to the pain it may cause.

A friend of mine once declared with confidence that my family had ?bought a baby.? Too shocked to explain why this was false, I simply responded that she was wrong. The incident was perhaps more disturbing than if she had said it out of malice. It proves the power of the media to distort how well-meaning people talk about adoption.

My family is tired of justifying our legitimacy we deserve just as much respect as biological families. The solution is all too simple: research. If writers simply learn the correct terminology to use and consider the message their stories of adoption promote, our media would be kinder and, in turn, children would stop growing up believing that adoption is ?sad? or that adopted families aren?t ?real.?

Websites like RainbowKids go to great lengths to explore the complexities of responding to questions about adoption. One great response to being asked if two siblings are ?real? siblings is to say ?They are NOW! (This clarifies that adoption makes us a real family.)? Articles from Adoption can give you other perspectives and opinions on adoption. HealthyChildren explains other facets of adoption and foster care that my article didn?t have the space to discuss. AdoptHelp has a comprehensive list of some terms to avoid when talking about adoption. By teaching oneself, anyone can help to create kindness and understanding. Simply using the right terminology can be the difference between alienating someone and accepting them. And for those already part of the adoption community, consider reading the articles for reaffirmation?there are people out there who recognize and accept you and your family.

Everyone has a role to play in creating a society that is more accepting of different families. I talked solely about adoption, and only from my perspective as the sister of an adoptee, but there are so many other stories to tell about non-traditional families. We must be thoughtful in our portrayals of different families and give them the basic respect they are due.

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General Discussion / Re: Devotions

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on February 19, 2024, 05:37:22 PM »

https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2023/05/01/lonely-hurts-but-god-can-redeem-it?
utm_campaign=Daily%20Devotions&utm_medium=email&_hsmi=255008545&_hsenc=p2ANqtz--uB0MYq5voP27-kizedPjxJLuEMjmmndlEdw2cr5FTWvM30-tbZkupqMoZIzQ6lI8ZT5dinY_0YNsv5Va81LVJ__IKJA&utm_content=255008545&utm_source=hs_email#disqus_thread

Lonely Hurts, But God Can Redeem It
May 1, 2023
by Jessica Manfre

?But Ruth said, ?Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.?? Ruth 1:16 (ESV)

As a military spouse, I?ve become deeply familiar with embracing hard things, purposefully leaning into grace and navigating challenges well.  But sometimes even the strongest of foundations develop cracks. Holding it all together with Band-Aids of positivity doesn?t work long term; it?s just not strong enough and is simply a quick coping mechanism.  Can I make a confession?

In my mind, I?m not supposed to feel lonely or struggle with mental health issues. As a therapist, I have helpful knowledge and tools swirling inside my brain, ready to be utilized. How dare I submit to something I know how to combat! But loneliness, and the basket of negative symptoms it brings, has reared its ugly head and held on to me with a fierceness I wasn?t prepared for.  The book of Ruth was the light in the dark, the scripture I desperately needed to break the grip of loneliness. Though I've always loved the rich narration of the story, reading it during a desperately lonely season of my life was revolutionary. I saw myself in both Ruth and Naomi in so many ways as a military spouse leaving home for a foreign land with no support, experiencing what felt like continual loss, and finding myself questioning my faith.  God doesn?t always prevent us from experiencing life stressors and working through the very real emotions that accompany them. But when we feel lonely, God is standing ready to love us through it while His Word gently reminds us that we?re never truly alone.  Sometimes it takes working through something really hard to reawaken the truth and bring back the good.  ?But Ruth said, ?Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.?? (Ruth 1:16)

This pagan woman was so sure in her convictions and faith in a God she?d only just begun to love and worship! Here?s what I personally take from Ruth?s incredible story:  God doesn?t always prevent us from feeling pain or experiencing hardship. But that doesn?t mean He?s forsaken us. When I lost my grandmother in 2019, my heart shattered into a million irreparable pieces. It would take a stranger sharing my grandmother?s last words in the hospital room to give me the reminder I so desperately needed: ?I?m going home.?

I?d carried such immense guilt because of all the time I?d missed with her due to this military-led life. But it washed away in an instant as I read God?s Word and heard His gift in my grandmother?s final words. He is our home and sanctuary in the midst of hurt.  With God, our trials, hurts and lonely seasons can be used for good. There?s such a redemptive blessing in sharing your deepest struggles out loud. Not only does it remove them from the box you?re so frantically trying to hide them in, but I promise your pain is a shared one. Lean into your Bible, community, family and friends. We have a tendency to act like bitter Naomi in Ruth 1:20-21, pushing away support as we navigate the waves of the bad things drowning us.  I like to believe I hear God whispering this when I feel lonely: Where you go, I go. But it isn?t only imagined He is always with us. We just have to be ready and willing to hear Him.

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Articles / Father, 33, smashed two-year-old adopted daughter's head against a wall in ....

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on February 17, 2024, 03:21:50 PM »

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13094483/father-smashed-adopted-daughters-head-wall-bad-temper.html

Father, 33, smashed two-year-old adopted daughter's head against a wall in a 'bad temper' after she squabbled with his 'favourite son' over ice cream as he is jailed for murder

    Zahra Ghulami suffered a skull fracture at the hands of Jan Gholami
    He claimed she had fallen down the stairs while he was at the supermarket
    Judge blasts the father for his attack on the 'vulnerable and defenceless' child

By Jon Brady and James Callery

Published: 07:52, 17 February 2024 | Updated: 13:10, 17 February 2024

A father who killed his two-year-old adopted daughter by smashing her head against the wall lashed out after she fought with his 'favourite son' over ice cream.  Zahra Ghulami suffered a skull fracture caused by 'significant impact' at the hands of Jan Gholami, 33, at their home in Gravesend, Kent, in May 2020. He has been jailed for a minimum of 23 years and six months.  The girl, who Gholami adopted from Afghanistan, was taken to hospital on May 27, 2020 and died two days later; Gholami sought to claim to jurors she had fallen down the stairs while he was at Tesco.  Prosecutor Sally Howes KC told Maidstone Crown Court there had been a 'rivalry' between Zahra and Gholami's son and that the pair had squabbled about going for ice cream before Gholami stepped in and took out his 'bad temper' on the child.  Gholami told jurors that she had fallen down the stairs while he was at Tesco and was vomiting when he got home. A disturbing image was shown to the jury of Gholami carrying Zahra to hospital.  Jurors convicted Gholami of murder in a majority verdict of 10 to two after deliberating for nearly 20 hours at Maidstone Crown Court on January 9.  Gholami, of Oak Road, Gravesend, was also unanimously found guilty of child cruelty and was sentenced to a minimum of 23 years in prison.  His wife, Roqia Ghulami, was cleared of murder during the trial but was also found guilty of child neglect unanimously by the jury.  The 32-year-old, of Oak Road, Gravesend, was also sentenced to two years in prison at Maidstone Crown Court on Friday. She did not give evidence in court but told police she thought Zahra fell down the stairs.  During the trial, Zahra was described as a 'bright, intelligent' child who was 'highly curious' and wanted to find out about everything.  Zahra was admitted to the A&E department at Darent Valley Hospital in Dartford on May 27, 2020, during the first coronavirus lockdown.  She was later transferred to a hospital in London, but tragically died two days later.  The girl's cause of death was given as a severe head injury and skull fracture by Professor Charles Mangham, an osteoarticular pathologist.  When he was arrested by police, Gholami produced a receipt from the supermarket in an attempt to prove his innocence.  He told officers: 'Why are they taking me to a police station? What have I done? I have enough worries. My child is in a coma.  I don't know anything about what happened to the child because I was not at home. I was at Tesco. I don't know what happened.'

He added: 'I am a Muslim. You can't blame me for these things. There are cameras. Whatever happened I was not at home.'

Jurors were told Gholami, originally from Afghanistan, came to the UK in January 2016 while Ghulami was still in Afghanistan with their children.  The couple adopted Zahra in 2017 after Gholami's friend, Zahra's father, felt unable to look after her after his wife died in childbirth.  This happened when Ghulami was in Afghanistan and the adoption was approved by village elders.  In January 2019, Gholami applied for asylum for Ghulami from the UK, and she arrived with the children to join him.  The 32-year-old, of Oak Road, Gravesend, was also sentenced to two years in prison at Maidstone Crown Court on Friday. She did not give evidence in court but told police she thought Zahra fell down the stairs.  During the trial, Zahra was described as a 'bright, intelligent' child who was 'highly curious' and wanted to find out about everything.

Zahra was admitted to the A&E department at Darent Valley Hospital in Dartford on May 27, 2020, during the first coronavirus lockdown.  She was later transferred to a hospital in London, but tragically died two days later.  The girl's cause of death was given as a severe head injury and skull fracture by Professor Charles Mangham, an osteoarticular pathologist.  When he was arrested by police, Gholami produced a receipt from the supermarket in an attempt to prove his innocence.  He told officers: 'Why are they taking me to a police station? What have I done? I have enough worries. My child is in a coma.  I don't know anything about what happened to the child because I was not at home. I was at Tesco. I don't know what happened.'

He added: 'I am a Muslim. You can't blame me for these things. There are cameras. Whatever happened I was not at home.'

Jurors were told Gholami, originally from Afghanistan, came to the UK in January 2016 while Ghulami was still in Afghanistan with their children.  The couple adopted Zahra in 2017 after Gholami's friend, Zahra's father, felt unable to look after her after his wife died in childbirth.  This happened when Ghulami was in Afghanistan and the adoption was approved by village elders.  In January 2019, Gholami applied for asylum for Ghulami from the UK, and she arrived with the children to join him.

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Articles / The UK?s forced adoption scandal was state-sanctioned abuse

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on February 10, 2024, 11:42:27 AM »

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/may/27/uk-forced-adoption-state-sanctioned-abuse-unmarried-mothers

The UK?s forced adoption scandal was state-sanctioned abuse

Gaby Hinsliff

Unmarried mothers were treated with contempt by authorities in the mid-20th century. The same goes for people deemed not to matter today

When Ann Keen gave birth, the midwives refused to give her anything for the pain. That way, they told her, she would remember it and learn not to be so wicked again. To be treated like an animal in labour, denied the most basic compassion and respect, was simply part of the punishment she had supposedly earned for getting pregnant out of wedlock aged 17. The hospital discharged her without any follow-up care, as if the birth had never happened. But the most grievous part of the story is that she also went home without her baby.  For Keen is one of a still unknown number of unmarried British women coerced into handing over their newborns for adoption between the 1950s and the late 1970s, who are now seeking an apology from Boris Johnson on behalf of the governments of the day. But perhaps just as importantly, they want it acknowledged that they didn?t give their children up willingly. Some were told that if they loved their babies they would want them raised by respectable married couples, not under the shadow of illegitimacy.  Instead of being briefed about the financial support to which they might be entitled, they were warned that keeping the baby would bring great hardship on their families. And while some consented to adoption under this kind of duress, others say forms were simply signed on their behalf by parents or so-called ?moral welfare workers? supervising adoptions. They became, in effect, an unwilling human production line of babies for adoption by couples considered more deserving by virtue of their wedding rings. The grief for the mothers must have been lifelong, and for many it was handed down a generation when their children grew old enough to understand and be disturbed by what had happened.  Oppressive morality, cloaked in religion, is the obvious explanation for how such unthinkable things could have happened. Pregnant teenagers such as Keen would be shipped off by their mortified parents to church-run mother-and-baby homes to hide them from the neighbours, and adoptions were often arranged through church-run agencies; the head of the Catholic church in England and Wales has already apologised for what he called the ?hurt? caused by agencies acting in its name. Yet the long history of shame being weaponised against women in the name of organised religion is really only half the explanation for cruelty meted out not in some secretive Magdalene laundry, but to women giving birth inside British NHS hospitals, who were singled out as different from other mothers. It was effectively state-sanctioned abuse and in a week when much of the country is understandably preoccupied instead with a much more recent failure of the state, it carries urgent lessons.  When Ireland?s taoiseach apologised recently for the ?profound generational wrong? done to survivors of Irish mother and baby homes, following a public inquiry that exposed horrific brutality, some responded with a striking anger. They didn?t want to be told that ?society? or the culture of the time was to blame; they wanted names, audit trails, a forensic examination of government decisions and processes that had allowed this to happen. The British mothers have been refused a public inquiry, but seek the same recognition that this was fundamentally a failure of the state, something Keen understands perhaps better than most.  Astonishingly, the teenager who was slapped for crying out when the doctor stitched her up after the birth grew up to be a nurse, then a Labour MP, and finally as health minister under Gordon Brown an advocate for dignity and compassion in healthcare. But it?s a principle that matters much more widely in public life.  At the heart of almost every account of a public scandal I have read are people who have somehow become dehumanised in the eyes of officialdom; whose feelings were deemed not to matter.  This particular, often unthinking breed of contempt is there in accounts of how police officers yawned through interviews with Girl A, the gang-raped victim of child sexual exploitation in Rochdale, whose case was initially dropped because they considered her trouble: promiscuous, damaged, not a credible witness. It?s there in the shocking stories of the Windrush generation?s treatment at the hands of the Home Office, and in accounts tumbling out in the wake of the Grenfell Tower fire about how residents? safety fears were dismissed.  And it was lurking too behind Dominic Cummings? account of Boris Johnson allegedly grumbling that ?only 80-year-olds? were dying of Covid, as if their lives were regarded somehow as lesser. The nature of who is and isn?t deemed to count may change with the passing decades, but the lesson remains the same; that all too often, terrible things start with a failure of the state to treat every citizen as though they matter.

*  Gaby Hinsliff is a Guardian columnist

26

General Discussion / Re: Devotions

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on February 08, 2024, 02:34:07 PM »

https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2023/04/21/learning-to-chase-gods-glory-through-each-day?utm_campaign=Daily%20Devotions&utm_medium=email&_hsmi=252897507&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-9afXMftAfnemRxduh1IevoD9N0OpCMQu-sIduRPHYL_-noJ6b_KfcIEeRkhI_XsK8GbbnBg2IdRR1tNP1oceIhkM2RKA&utm_content=252897507&utm_source=hs_email#disqus_thread

Learning To Chase God?s Glory Through Each Day
April 21, 2023
by Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

"Moses said, 'Please show me your glory.' And [God] said, 'I will make all my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name "The LORD." And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy.'" Exodus 33:18-19 (ESV)

When I was a little girl, my mama used to sing this little chorus to help me wake up in the morning: ?Rise and shine, and give God the glory, glory ??

I was never an ?early bird.? I more often dragged myself out of bed than I jumped up with energy. Mama?s song was a cheerful welcome to a new day. She invited me to start with God?s glory.  I chose the word ?glory? as my annual theme word several years ago.That sent me on a treasure hunt through Scripture and everyday life in search of glory. That year, my husband died of cancer at age 40, just four short months after his diagnosis. I was left a widow with three young daughters. I had no idea how God would use that theme of glory to challenge, inspire and lift me during the darkest year of my life.  We talk and sing about it at church and find the word mentioned more than 500 times in Scripture, but what exactly is glory?

If we study the scriptures that mention it, we discover God?s glory is the very essence of who God is, His character. Glory is what sets God apart. It?s the way God reveals Himself to us.  In the book of Exodus, Moses was discovering God?s glory. He wrote this book to help highlight the fulfillment of God?s promises, and through Moses, the Lord revealed His purposes to Israel. Over time, Moses recognized that he didn't want to make decisions or move anywhere without God?s presence. He begged God to show Himself:  ?Moses said, ?Please show me your glory.? And [God] said, ?I will make all my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name ?The LORD.? And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy?? (Exodus 33:18-19).

Most of us are like Moses. We want to feel God?s presence in our chaos, our crises and our casual conversations. We would like to see and experience God?s glory but we are not sure how to pursue it.  The Hebrew word for ?glory? is kabod, meaning someone or something heavy in weight, wealth, abundance, importance or respect. Does that sound like God?

We can experience glimpses of God?s glory all around us, but we have to lift our eyes to notice them and respond.  God always makes Himself known through His Word that comforts us during trials. Sometimes, He may also show His glory through a sense of peace gifted to us while we wait for a diagnosis or a breakthrough in a strained relationship. I?ve tasted His glory in a delectable meal prepared by a friend and seen it in the unique pattern of a snowflake or a baby?s eyelashes, all carefully created by Him.  Friends, let?s not miss the examples of God?s glory right in our midst. Let?s call out the glory we see so that others might experience His presence too.

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Articles / Redress payments for Mother and Baby Home survivors continue to be delayed

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on February 06, 2024, 03:13:18 PM »

https://www.irishcentral.com/news/redress-mother-and-baby-home-survivors-delayed?utm_campaign=IC%20Daily%20-%20Jan%2029%20-%202024-01-29&utm_medium=Email&_hsmi=291808461&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-_GkI8nHOVcgoz4At1LxWChSs3E0fiz8057yiS8MsNM2UjlSCsAmBB2vWC3yt4aSIMNYPtEn4eq3pRp7AAJ_Y4nXmmLBT-ik0FGF-ZQLwE_SCZ0_OQ&utm_content=Story1&utm_source=HubSpot

Redress payments for Mother and Baby Home survivors continue to be delayed
The Department of Children has stated that opening a redress scheme as soon as possible remains a "top priority",
@IrishCentral
Jan 29, 2024

Mother and Baby Home survivors continue to wait for redress payments three years after Ireland's Mother and Baby Home Commission of Investigation recommended compensation for survivors.  The Department of Children has stated that opening a redress scheme as soon as possible remains a "top priority", according to the Irish Examiner.  The Department added that the redress scheme, which was due to be rolled out by the end of 2023, is set to open in Q1 of 2024.  However, the Examiner reports that survivors are still waiting to receive the green light to apply.  UCC law professor Conor O'Mahony described the delay as "simply unfair" to aging survivors.  In 2021, the Commission of Investigation into Mother and Baby Homes recommended compensation for survivors in its final report and the Irish Government subsequently appointed a financial assessor to negotiate with seven religious institutions about compensation.  However, there is no legal framework compelling the religious orders to negotiate, according to the Examiner.  O'Mahony told the publication that the Government could open the scheme to survivors while negotiations are ongoing.   "There's no need to wait until any contributions are handed over, just open the scheme and have it up and running," O'Mahony told the Irish Examiner.

The Commission's five-year inquiry, which was led by former judge Yvonne Murphy, found that over 9,000 children died in 18 institutions run by seven different religious orders between 1922 and 1998, double the mortality rate among children in the general population.  The final report also detailed shocking experiments and physical abuse carried out in the different institutions and recommended financial compensation for survivors.   Up to 34,000 people are eligible for compensation, but the scheme has faced criticism because it excludes certain categories of survivors, including babies who spent less than six months in an institution and those who were fostered out to local families. O'Mahony said the Irish Government is attempting to lay financial responsibility on the seven religious orders as well as maintaining public finances.   The seven religious orders include the Bon Secours sisters, the Daughters of Charity of St. Vincent de Paul, Sisters of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and Mary, Our Lady of Charity of the Good Shepherd, the Sisters of Mercy, the Sisters of St John of God, and lay organization the Legion of Mary.  Children's Minister Roderic O'Gorman has sought financial contributions from each religious order, but only the Bon Secour nuns, who ran the Tuam Mother and Baby Home in Galway between 1925 and 1961, have agreed to contribute to the redress scheme.  However, the Examiner reports that no deal has been secured with the Bon Secours nuns.  Peter Mulryan, a 79-year-old man who spent four years at the Tuam Mother and Baby Home before being fostered out to a family that abused him, labeled the delay as a "disgrace".  "The whole thing is a disgrace. I have never, ever received a penny from the State for the abuses and neglect I suffered," Mulryan told the Examiner.  There isn't a sign of anything. I am disgusted with it to be honest, what they are doing to us, they are playing a game of wait and die so they have less to give a few euros to."

Mulryan added that the delays were "prolonging our agony" and said he is skeptical that redress payments will be made this year.  "They say they are giving us redress this year, I take that with a pinch of salt, how many times did they promise this that, and the other?"

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Articles / 'I regret adopting my daughter I feel like I'm babysitting a stranger's kid'

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on February 01, 2024, 11:13:53 AM »

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/us-news/i-regret-adopting-daughter-feel-31947707

'I regret adopting my daughter I feel like I'm babysitting a stranger's kid'

A mum has sparked outrage after admitting she regrets adopting her daughter as she has never loved her as much as her biological children and still sees her as 'someone else's child'

By Paige Freshwater Content Editor

13:38, 23 Jan 2024Updated15:05, 23 Jan 2024

A mum has caused a stir by confessing she regrets adopting her daughter, admitting she's never loved her as much as her biological children. She shared her story on Reddit, explaining that after having her son through IVF, she chose to adopt for her second child.  However, she confessed she's never been able to bond with her adopted daughter and over time, even began to resent her. The woman wrote: "So years ago before the birth of my first son, I was told it would be hard for me and my husband to conceive. We went through IVF and eventually I gave birth to my son.  A few years later we wanted another child but didn't want to have to go through the time and expense we did the last time with our son. So we decided to adopt. We adopted this beautiful baby girl whose parents were too young to raise her themselves. I loved her so much and treated her no different but I've never had the feeling she's my own. I often feel like I'm babysitting someone else's child. I feel terrible but I can't help it.  I've tried forcing myself to feel it but I just don't. She's 15 now and I've never felt a connection with her."

But four years ago, the woman discovered she'd fallen pregnant naturally - and was expecting another girl. This only strained her relationship with her adopted daughter further, as she started to feel more excluded from the family.  "We were so surprised since it just happened naturally and we found out it was going to be a girl. During the pregnancy, my hormones were all over the place and I started hating my adopted daughter because I felt if I had just waited then I wouldn't have to have had her. When my daughter was born everything just felt right. I felt a proper connection like with my son and I bonded straight away."

In search of sympathy, she confessed: "I sound horrible but adopting her was a massive mistake. I wish I could go back in time. I love her to pieces but unfortunately not as much as my biological children. I hate myself for it since I promised her parents I'd love her no different and I feel like I've let everyone down."

To this, one Reddit user replied: "Therapy for you. Under no circumstances tell your daughter that you don't love her as much as your bio kids, though that's something that's not hard to miss. Reach out to her birth family, if they're decent people and you haven't maintained contact, and see if they'd be interested in spending more time with her. This girl deserves to be enthusiastically cared for and loved by the people in her life. What about your husband? Does he feel the same way?"

Another person commented: "Since you already had a biological child you shouldn't have adopted. I have heard lots of adoptees say they have always felt like they were competing with the biological child of the adoptive parent. I will say at least you have the courage to be honest, which is rare among adoptive parents. Does the child have any interaction with her birth family? Perhaps if she had a good relationship she could go back to them."

A third person chimed in: "I really hope your adoptive daughter doesn't know how you feel. Have you looked into professional help for yourself to dissect what's going on and why you haven't allowed yourself to bond? There are so many techniques out there that could have been used to create that bond. I know because I used some of them when I struggled to bond with my adoptive daughter. They worked. I feel so upset on behalf of your 15-year-old. I hope she never finds out and that you've said this because you want things to change.  You can work to repair and create that bond rather than dwelling on the past and your own anger and regret. I hope you haven't damaged her through any perceptible emotional distance on your part. How dreadfully sad that you still feel you are babysitting someone else's child after all these years. Please stop dwelling on what might have been and step up to being the best parent you can be to her by seeking help if need be."

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Articles / New rights for UK donor babies as they turn 18

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on January 30, 2024, 08:08:35 PM »

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2023-10-rights-uk-donor-babies.html

OCTOBER 3, 2023

New rights for UK donor babies as they turn 18
by Helen ROWE

Around 30 young adults conceived via sperm or egg donation in the UK will soon be able to discover the identity of their biological parent.  The new rights come as rising numbers of children are being conceived using the technology, posing a range of challenges for the children, their families and donors.  The UK law removed the anonymity of egg and sperm donors in 2005 and gave children the right to receive basic information about them when they reached 18.  With the first children covered by the legislation turning 18 this month, they will finally be able to request details such as the donor's full name, date of birth and last known address.  Advances in fertility treatment methods and changing social attitudes have seen an increasing number of donor-conceived children being born not just to people facing fertility challenges but also same-sex couples and women in their late forties and even fifties.  Initially the numbers of children who will have the right to know will be small, with just 30 people becoming eligible between now and December this year.   Data from the UK's Human Fertilization and Embryology Authority (HFEA) shows that will rise to more than 700 people by the end of 2024, increasing to 11,400 by 2030.  According to the latest available figures from the regulator of fertility treatment and research using human embryos, 4,100 UK births around one in 170 were the result of donor conception in 2019.

Few months off

The cut-off point for the legislation has left some donor-conceived people disappointed that the identity of their donors will remain a mystery.  "I'm happy for the people who want to find out but I'm also a little annoyed that I was a couple of months off, so I won't have the chance," 19-year-old student Jamie Ruddock, from Brighton on England's south coast, told AFP.

Ruddock said he had known for as long as he could remember that he had been donor-conceived and while he was not looking for another father figure he was still curious.  His older brother along with their father had begun looking for the donor via a DNA ancestry testing service but had not had any success.  "My brother definitely has a bigger sense of curiosity than I do but if my brother finds him I would like to have a conversation with him," he said.

People in the UK conceived by egg or sperm donation will now be able to trace their biological parents.  Nina Barnsley, director of the UK's Donor Conception Network, said many of those eligible to ask for the information might not even be aware of how they were conceived.  When new techniques such as artificial insemination and in vitro fertilization (IVF) were first introduced some four decades ago, infertility was something of a taboo subject and parents often did not tell children how they were conceived.  But for many years now, psychologists have advised families to be open with the information as early as possible.  Others might not have realized the significance of the legislation or have other priorities.

'Incredible gift'

"Certainly in terms of our donor-conceived young people, many have got far more important things going on in their lives with exams and girlfriends and boyfriends, travel and work and other challenges," said Barnsley.

"Being donor-conceived may well just be low on the list of interests."

Having the right to access the information, however, could still be important to them in the longer term, even if it also brought potential challenges.  Some parents would inevitably be "anxious about making the donor into a real person in their lives and how their children would feel," she said.

At the same time many were also "curious about these donors and wanted to thank them to acknowledge their contribution towards helping them make their families," she added.

Donors are being urged to get in contact with the clinic where they donated and make sure their details are up to date.  "This is a very important time for young adults who were conceived by the use of donor sperm or eggs. Many will hope to find out more about their donors as they reach 18," said Professor Jackson Kirkman-Brown, chair of the Association for Reproductive and Clinical Scientists (ARCS).

He said it was important that donors too reach out for support and guidance to help them navigate any approaches.  "Being a donor is an incredible gift and alongside the sector ARCS are keen to recognize and support those who enable people to have the families they desire," he added.

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Articles / ?Real taboo?: include birth trauma in UK women?s health strategy, MP urges

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on January 26, 2024, 12:57:09 PM »

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/jan/09/real-taboo-include-birth-trauma-in-uk-womens-health-strategy-mp-urges

?Real taboo?: include birth trauma in UK women?s health strategy, MP urges

Theo Clarke shares own experience and says large number of people contacted inquiry into birth trauma after call for evidence

Birth trauma remains a ?real taboo? and should be part of the UK government?s women?s health strategy, an MP leading an inquiry into the subject has said.  On Tuesday, the all-party parliamentary group on birth trauma launched an inquiry, led by the Conservative MP, Theo Clarke, and Labour?s Rosie Duffield, looking into the causes behind traumatic births and to develop policy recommendations to reduce the occurrence of birth-related trauma. The inquiry is open to parents and professionals in the maternity field, and is expected to report on its findings in April.  Clarke, the MP for Stafford, said she was ?delighted? to be launching the first parliamentary inquiry into birth trauma, and said the topic was ?long overdue for discussion within parliament?.

?I was amazed that literally within the first five minutes of announcing the call for evidence on social media we already had submissions into our inquiry inbox, probably the quickest response I?ve ever had to anything I?ve announced as an MP in my career,? Clarke said.

?That really shows how incredibly important this subject is and how mums in the UK feel that they need to be listened to and they want their stories to be heard.?

Clarke was inspired to launch the inquiry after needing emergency surgery and thinking she was going to die after the birth of her daughter in 2022. ?I gave birth to my daughter last year and had a third-degree tear, which is a very significant birth injury, and which resulted in me having a huge surgery,? she said.

Between 25,000 and 30,000 women experience PTSD after birth in the UK, according to the Birth Trauma Association.  The inquiry is currently collecting written and oral evidence to inform the policy report. The report is due to put forward policy recommendations for the government and will be published April 2024.  Evidence will be heard over several sessions between February and March. Its main objectives will be to ?identify common features in maternity care (antenatally, during labour and birth, and postnatally) that contribute to birth trauma, highlight examples of good practice, both in the quality of maternity care and in providing support to women who have had traumatic birth experiences, and to look at the impact of birth trauma on women?s relationships, ability to bond with their baby and future decision-making?.

The inquiry said they particularly welcomed submissions ?from people from marginalised communities such as those who are racially minoritised, LGBT, economically disadvantaged, homeless, asylum-seeking or displaced, care-experienced, neurodivergent or facing any other circumstances [that mean] their voice is less likely to be heard?.

Clarke spoke of her own experience during a Commons debate on birth trauma in October, and said the reaction to her speech showed just how important the issue was to many people in the UK.  She said: ?There is such a focus on the baby post-birth that we sometimes forget about the mums and the fact that they need care too. And I was really amazed when I shared my personal story last year the huge amount of people that contacted me from across the country that shared their own difficult stories.  It was very clear to me that there was a real taboo about talking about birth trauma, and people felt that they couldn?t share with friends or colleagues at work if they had had a birth injury or had mental psychological distress based on giving birth.?

Separate to the inquiry, Clarke has called on the government to consider birth trauma as part of the women?s health strategy update next week, because ?it is recognised and included?.