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Articles / I've MARRIED my 22-year-old adopted son after raising him from the age of .....

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on October 31, 2023, 05:07:40 PM »

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12679607/russian-woman-married-son.html

I've MARRIED my 22-year-old adopted son after raising him from the age of 14 officials have now taken my other five children away from me

    Aisylu Mingalim, 53, from Tatarstan, raised her now husband from the age of 14
    READ MORE: My mum paid ?15,000 for my dream wedding... then had a BABY with my husband nine months later

By Shannon Mcguigan

Published: 14:35, 27 October 2023 | Updated: 14:35, 27 October 2023

A mother has revealed how she has married her adopted son after raising him from the age of 14.  Aisylu Chizhevskaya Mingalim, 53, from Tatarstan, Russia, has left child welfare experts horrified by tying the knot with 22-year-old  Daniel Chizhevsky.  She first met Daniel when he was just 13 and working as a singing teacher at his orphanage.  Aisylu then adopted him and raised him from the age of 14.  But just eight years later the pair have now tied the knot, leaving authorities to take custody of her other adopted children.  'Our relationship is perfect. We can't live without each other. We are on the same wavelength,' she told local media.

The mother and her adopted son wed in a ceremony at a restaurant in Kazan last week.  Child welfare officials have now seized Aisylu's other five adopted children one boy and four girls.  The adoptive mother has denounced the decision, with the children reportedly having been placed into care homes or given back to their biological relatives.   She wants the children back in her care, so all of them including their adopted brother turned step-father can flee to Moscow.  The former music teacher believes the family will be able to live more 'freely' in the Russian capital.  Reportedly Aisylu has a biological son from a previous marriage, however no additional information about him has been detailed.  The former singing teacher's adoption spree started shortly after coming into contact with orphans whilst on a film project with a Tatarstan TV station.  Last year, a woman who traded in her husband for her step-son revealed she was expecting their second child.  Marina Balmasheva, 38, from Russia, already had a 20-months-old daughter with Vladimir 'Vova' Shavyrin, now 24.  She has known him since he was seven, calls him 'the most charming blue-eyes in the world', and was previously married to his father Alexey Shavyrin, 48, who now cares for their five adopted children.  Marina, who is a popular weight loss influencer, announced her baby news online, sharing a video of the moment Vladimir learned she was going to be a father for the second time.  Marina calls her second husband 'the most charming blue-eyes in the world' but scolds him on social media for being 'clumsy' pushing their daughter's pram, and failing to hold down a well paid job in Krasnodar region, close to Ukraine, where war is raging.  She makes clear that she supports him from her social media earnings rather than allow him to do a mundane office job.  After revealing her relationship with her former stepson, she said: 'So many people tell me to use makeup make lashes, and curl my pubic hair because of my young husband. 'But there is one thing he fell in love with me with all my scars from plastic surgeries, cellulite, excessive skin and personality.'

52

General Discussion / Re: Devotions

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on October 29, 2023, 04:11:12 PM »

https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2023/01/19/we-can-stop-being-so-afraid-of-conflict?utm_campaign=Daily+Devotions&utm_medium=email&_hsmi=241195950&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-8Z76nBhMl64LCJ9hHEi6OZAecBRHHMseAxzNRiUIXLWmhr9_Loe4di8K0aK8jXez44xiX3R16NiQsl-SGPvr5MOrEFcw&utm_content=241195950&utm_source=hs_email#disqus_thread

We Can Stop Being So Afraid of Conflict
January 19, 2023
by Lysa TerKeurst

?As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.? John 15:9 (NIV)

hen I was in my early 20s, there was nothing I disliked more than conflict.  I didn?t vocalize my opinion even when I felt strongly. I danced around needed conversations or boundaries because of fear surrounding what would happen to the relationship or what someone would think of me. I became a ?stuff it and smile? kind of girl.  What I didn?t know then, which I have learned now, is this: The problem with pretending to be fine when we're really not is that all that pent-up steam will eventually come out. And if you've ever held your hand too close to steam, you know how it can burn.  On the outside it may have looked like I was just conflict averse, but on the inside there was a deep-rooted people-pleasing trap I had stepped into.  Years later, I still fumble through this. I still don?t enjoy conflict by any means. I still struggle with wanting to please people more than I should. And as I?ve examined this, I?ve asked myself over and over: What am I truly wrestling with?

What am I so unsure of?

What is the great dread in my soul?

Besides just fearing other people will walk away from me, what is the deeper fear driving all of this?

Maybe it?s deeper than just my fear of someone rejecting me because of a conflict that didn?t go well. Maybe I fear I must get from people what I am unsure God will provide for me. And if I fear God?s provision is incomplete, I must fill in that gap with other people or I won?t make it in this big, sometimes scary, often threatening and always chaotic world.  Therefore, I?ve made people the answer to my security rather than God Himself. I?ve made rationalizations to avoid conflict and upsetting others, hoping this will bring me the peace I really long for.  Yikes.  It?s an inverted security that only makes us more and more insecure with every realization that people aren?t designed for or capable of filling in the gaps of our doubts about God. The smoke screen is ?I don?t want to appear unkind or unchristian by stirring up conflict with my ?no? or setting a necessary boundary.?

But the raw truth is we will always desperately want from other people what we fear we will never get from God.  Trying to please people won?t ultimately satisfy us or the other person, and it certainly doesn?t please God.  Even when we look at the life of Jesus, He did so many amazing and sacrificial acts of love for others. He fed people, washed their feet, taught them, comforted them, and modeled a different way to act and think. But He didn?t do it so people would fill a need in Him. He served from a place of fullness, not for a feeling of fullness. (Matthew 20:28)  Jesus was obedient to God and loved people well. He didn?t people-please, hoping to be well liked and accepted by everyone. And when people didn?t like what He had to say and they walked away from Him and many people did He didn?t drop His boundaries, chase the people down, and beg them to take Him back. Jesus loved people enough to give them the choice to walk away.  What does all of this have to do with our own fear of conflict?

 Everything.  God calls us to obey Him. God does not call us to obey every wish and whim of other people and keep them happy at all costs. God calls us to love other people. God does not call us to demand that they love us back and meet every need we have.  If we are afraid someone will think poorly of us, potentially abandon us or try to make us feel crazy when we speak up about something, chances are that, without wise boundaries, they will eventually do all three of these things to us.  So how can we stop being afraid of conflict and step away from unhealthy people-pleasing?

We can start by breathing in the words of Jesus in John 15:9: ?As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.?

When we remember we are loved by God, we can remain in His love. We can allow this truth to inform our thoughts and actions. Knowing we?re loved, we can prayerfully consider needed conversations or necessary boundaries in our relationships. We can pursue a healthier approach to inevitable conflicts we all deal with, facing issues with grace and humility. Knowing we?re loved, we can release the fear and anxiety people-pleasing breeds in us.  Ultimately, knowing we?re loved by God allows us to live without carrying the weight of what others think of us.  I don?t know about you, but I nt to live like I?m loved today. Will you join me, friend?

53

General Discussion / Re: Devotions

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on October 27, 2023, 03:07:00 PM »

https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2023/01/13/running-past-snakes-what-to-do-when-you-face-a-distraction?utm_campaign=Daily%20Devotions&utm_medium=email&_hsmi=240604111&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-93wweDgLXqH0cY7DfjH43cZhORyDgoRCJKH2Uh2tSxfVgoTF8eyQA7o73I5A0NdoNO2njT_O8NnPDae6gsHFET1wNrKg&utm_content=240604111&utm_source=hs_email#disqus_thread

Running Past Snakes: What To Do When You Face a Distraction
January 13, 2023
by Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

?Do not swerve to the right or to the left; turn your foot away from evil.? Proverbs 4:27 (ESV)

A few months ago, I ran in the Diamond 13K race in Central California. The out-and-back course included a mix of shade and sun and a view of the majestic Sierra Nevada in the distance.  Taking off from the start, I found myself running next to my friend Sunny. We were chatting away as we started to ascend the first hill, named The Corkscrew. Then I saw it.  On the side of the trail, just a few steps away, was a coiled black-and-white snake. Did I mention I hate snakes?

I tried to stay calm and do the only thing I knew to do: keep running. ?Did you see that?? I asked Sunny next to me. ?A snake!?

?I missed it!? she exclaimed, wide-eyed.

I kept thinking about that snake for the next mile, feeling distracted and unsure of my steps.  Was it dangerous?

Should I have stopped to take a picture?

Would it be there on my way back down the hill to the finish line?

It was then that a proverb I had read came to mind:  ?Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; turn your foot away from evil? (Proverbs 4:26-27, ESV).

The book of Proverbs provides for believers wisdom that King Solomon collected for a young man in his day.  The word ?ponder? in Proverbs 4:26 means ?to consider well.? In life (and while trail running), it?s important to consider well where we are going. This proverb reminded me to keep my eyes forward and my feet on the path.  After I reached the top of The Corkscrew, I made a decision to stop thinking about that snake. With 7 miles ahead of me, I needed to refocus on my race. If I continued to keep dwelling on the snake, I could get distracted, lose my footing and fall potentially causing myself injury or ruining my running time.  In putting the snake from my mind, I chose to dwell on other things. (Philippians 4:8) That?s when I started to enjoy my run. The sky was an azure blue, and the trail was lit up with greens and golds. I turned on my worship music and found the cadence of breath and steps again.  By the time I crossed the finish line, I had completely forgotten about that snake.  Later, I realized how much this experience was a mirror for life.  Sometimes as we go along, we encounter a ?snake? on the side of the trail. Perhaps it's a simple distraction, like a social media notification during our quiet time, a questionable television show we know we shouldn?t watch, or a task left unfinished that calls to us when we need rest. Maybe it's the enemy himself trying to lead us astray, to discourage us from pursuing our calling or to cause a misunderstanding in our relationship with God.  Many times in long-distance races, a runner called a ?pacer? will lead the rest of the runners. The pacer sets the pace for the other runners, but the other runners have to keep the pacer in view, making sure not to speed ahead or lag too far behind.  Friends, these are the moments when we have to make a decision to let Jesus be our Pacer in life and to keep running. When our eyes are focused forward on Jesus and where He?s headed, it?s easier to pivot away from distractions.  And when our minds simply won?t cooperate in the face of distractions, we can remember it was God Himself who created our minds. Let?s ask Him for the perseverance to focus on Him as we take each and every thought captive throughout our days.

54

General Discussion / Re: Devotions

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on October 25, 2023, 02:37:38 PM »

https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2023/01/11/reject-the-lie-that-you-arent-good-enough?utm_campaign=Daily%20Devotions&utm_medium=email&_hsmi=240603973&_hsenc=p2ANqtz--GiDTdBEDJ3he5JxOBKP0gnmwQ5SKhMAN0UoJ1V6QPNkZ7A4Dl2Ow-SqOYO7hMqU93JeGjjA129UunbkXYlT0ZBQRMag&utm_content=240603973&utm_source=hs_email#disqus_thread

Reject the Lie That You Aren?t Good Enough
January 11, 2023
by Nona Jones

?As long as the son of Jesse lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established. Now send someone to bring him to me, for he must die!? 1 Samuel 20:31 (NIV)

We?ve all been there feeling like we?re not good enough because no matter how hard we try, someone else is doing better and achieving more.  Behind the forced smile, we secretly feel like their success is our failure because we believe we don?t measure up in comparison.  You know the feeling. At work, your boss told everyone, ?Amanda broke the sales record again!?

Your stomach turned because yet again you wondered, Why can?t I ever beat Amanda?

Or maybe you were scrolling through social media when you saw Jennifer away on another exotic vacation with Stanley. You looked at your husband and thought, Why am I not worth a nice trip somewhere?

Or maybe you were so excited about the launch of your new podcast until your college roommate hit 100,000 subscribers on hers. As you closed your laptop, you thought to yourself, What's the point? I'll never have that many subscribers.  The Bible story of King Saul?s jealousy toward David hinges on this same line of thinking.

Saul was the reigning king of Israel appointed by God after the Israelites demanded that God give them a king. However, Saul felt less-than in comparison to David because people approved of David more than him. The people sang in 1 Samuel 18:7, ?Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands? (NIV), a song that set Saul on a murderous rampage against David.

But there is a third person in this story Jonathan, Saul?s son and supposed heir to the throne. He was also David?s best friend. As a matter of fact, just three verses before Saul?s jealousy was triggered against David, Jonathan gave David his robe and weapons in a display of love and friendship. (1 Samuel 18:4)  Jonathan had an entirely different reaction to the people?s approval of David. Instead of seeing the people?s approval of someone else as an indictment against himself, Jonathan celebrated David. Here?s why this is so crucial.  Saul believed it was because of David?s popularity that his kingship and Jonathan?s future kingship were less secure. This is why, in response to Jonathan?s encouragement not to harm David, Saul angrily turned to his son and said, ?As long as the son of Jesse [David] lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established. Now send someone to bring him to me, for he must die!? (1 Samuel 20:31).

Saul forgot that it was God alone who had put him on his throne, and it would be God who would remove him and set the next king (who turned out to be David) on the throne.  But Jonathan didn?t secure his identity in being king; he secured his identity in who God said he was and in God?s power to win battles on His people?s behalf. Jonathan wasn?t threatened by David because he believed that ?nothing can hinder the LORD from saving, whether by many or by few? (1 Samuel 14:6c, NIV).

Ultimately, he trusted God to exalt and humble whom He wished, whether that included God granting him kingship or not.  When you start to spiral into thoughts like Why wasn?t I invited? or Why her instead of me? or Why can?t I ever be good enough? ask yourself a more important question: Why does it matter?

Killing toxic comparison requires changing what we believe about ourselves. The question Why does it matter? helps us uncover what we believe about ourselves. Not being invited matters because we believe we're not worthy, and for those of us struggling with that, not being invited serves as perceived proof that we're not worthy.  But what if we learn to reframe the things that trigger our insecurity so instead of making us feel unworthy, they draw us closer to God?

Like Jonathan, we need to reframe other people?s success as an opportunity to celebrate what God is doing in their lives without comparing it to what God is doing in our lives.

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Articles / For Decades, Churches Forced Unwed Mothers Into Adoptions

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on October 19, 2023, 03:09:17 PM »

https://sojo.net/articles/decades-churches-forced-unwed-mothers-adoptions

For Decades, Churches Forced Unwed Mothers Into Adoptions
By Rebecca Randall
Oct 17, 2023

When Francine Gurtler gave birth at age 15, she felt like she lost her voice. Gurtler lived at an Episcopal home for unwed mothers and said the workers of the home coerced her into placing her baby for adoption.  ?They literally took him from my arms,? she said. The adoption record notes she was ?tearful,? but Gurtler said, ?I was sobbing, hysterically, uncontrollably, on the ground begging the social worker to let me keep my baby.?

Now, she is lobbying the Episcopal Church to make to make an apology for forcing her and other women and girls to relinquish their children for adoption while receiving services in the church?s maternity homes.  Raised an Episcopalian, Gurtler entered St. Faith?s Home for Unwed Mothers, operated within the New York diocese of the Episcopal Church, in 1971. The adoption records included: ?The birth mother told this social worker that she knew she had to give up her son as there was no other way, but she loved him and wished she could have kept him.? Gurtler told Sojourners: ?There was no other way because I was not given a choice.?

In 2017, she was reunited with her son through a DNA test. The reunion was drawn out over a few years? worth of phone calls and trips. It was emotionally draining, particularly as members of her reunited family still thought of Gurtler as ?giving up? her son. After a cross-country trip to visit him, ?I had a full-blown panic attack and went home,? she said. ?That put me on the journey to finding the truth.?

For a long time, she thought she was the only one who felt her child was stolen from her and given to another family. During late night internet surfing, she discovered another mother forced to surrender her baby: Karen Wilson-Buterbaugh, who wrote The Baby Scoop Era documenting forced adoptions between 1945 and 1972.In 2021, Gurtler found the Catholic Mothers for Truth & Transparency a group formed to speak against Catholic institutions that forced adoptions. The mothers successfully advocated for a 2021 Connecticut law to allow adoptees to access their original birth certificates.  ?It is widely recognized we have endured a trauma by losing our children to adoption, but the overwhelming majority of us are actively trying to heal in the face of this trauma,? the group wrote in an op-ed in The Connecticut Mirror. ?We do so by regaining our voices and our power that was lost at relinquishment.?

Energized by that win, the mothers turned next to asking for an apology from the Catholic Church. While other institutions, including churches, have apologized for forced adoptions in other countries, no church institutions in the U.S. are known to have apologized. The Episcopal Church declined to comment until after its executive council meets in late October 2023.  Gurtler, who is still an involved member in the Episcopal Church, wondered if she could successfully get the denomination to apologize for their role in forced adoptions. She sent emails to every bishop and any clergy member she thought might help sponsor a resolution. Eventually, she met Mark Diebel, a retired priest and adoptee. Together, they wrote a paper for a resolution at the 2022 Episcopal general convention, including the research of Wilson-Buterbaugh.  The church passed the resolution acknowledging its role in running maternity homes, where forced adoption took place. According to Gurtler?s research, the Episcopal Church ran at least seven maternity homes across the country, as well as having a role in the network of other homes. While it?s unknown if all maternity homes coerced mothers into giving up their children, historian Rickie Solinger described in her book Wake Up Little Susie how abusive adoption practices became common all over the country from the end of World War II to 1973 when Roe v. Wade passed.

The Baby Scoop Era

Wilson-Buterbaugh estimates that 1.5 million mothers were forced to relinquish their infants to adoption during this time. She refers to it as the ?Baby Scoop Era.? Unmarried mothers in the U.S. and other anglophone countries faced coercion by social workers and societal attitudes toward their ?sin.? Young, single, mostly white women, who became pregnant, were commonly sent to live at maternity homes, often against their will. Most maternity homes were operated by religious institutions.  Wilson-Buterbaugh said she ?had no control in 1966 when [her] baby was taken? by a Catholic social worker at the Florence Crittenton Home in Washington, D.C.

According to several reports found by Wilson-Buterbaugh, there were between 150 and 190 maternity homes in the U.S. in the 1960s. Three-quarters of the homes were affiliated with either the Florence Crittenton League (a charity that helped ?reform? unwed mothers, also known as National Florence Crittenton Mission), the Salvation Army, or various Catholic charities. The others were run by other religious groups or independent agencies, including by Episcopal organizations.  ?When you hear, ?Well, oh well it was the times, that?s why they did it.? Bull---- on that,? said Gurtler.

According to Wilson-Buterbaugh?s book, mothers were not generally pressured to relinquish their children in the early decades of the 20th century. She describes the ?Baby Scoop Era? as a regression on a timeline of women?s rights.  National Florence Crittenton Mission was established in 1883 by Charles Crittenton and Dr. Kate Waller Barrett, who were both Episcopalians. The homes would provide mothers shelter, medical care, discipleship, and job training. Mothering was considered a path to reform. Barrett wrote in 1903, ?During all the years that our home has been opened we have never consented in a single case to the child being given away.?

Over the years, the Crittenton homes expanded across the country and world to include over 70 independently operated homes.  A 1923 St. Faith?s report released from the diocese of New York doesn?t mention any adoptions among the 16 babies born that year. Instead, it notes the number of girls confirmed and babies baptized.  But in the decade leading up to WWII, historian Regina Kunzel found that social workers shifted to thinking of unwed mothers as ?deviant? or even psychotic and unfit to parent. They increasingly began practicing relinquishment and adoption, believing it to be in the best interest of the child. In some maternity homes, mothers were not granted entrance unless they agreed to relinquish their child. Once there, mothers were isolated from society, their families, often the father of their children, then, ultimately, their child.  In the decades after World War II, infertile, white married couples, often wealthy, began turning to social workers to form families, creating a demand for adoptions. According to sociologist Gretchen Sisson, researchers agree that about 20 percent of babies born to white unwed mothers were relinquished during this era. By 1966, most mothers who stayed at St. Faith?s surrendered their children for adoption according to a document from the home?s director at the time.  Jeannette Pai-Espinosa, the current president of Justice + Joy (formerly the National Florence Crittenton Mission), said that people felt that white women ?had more possibility or chances of reaching their hopes and dreams, and there were so many opportunities that they were going to miss if they had this baby,? she said. ?That wasn?t the case for marginalized women of color.?

These racist expectations colored views on motherhood and adoption. Most people of color born during their mothers? stay at Crittenton homes were still raised by their mother. As Sisson explained: In the Baby Scoop Era, white women faced shame, which was redeemable through adoption, while Black women faced blame, which resulted in discriminatory policies and attitudes toward Black families and children.  St. Faith?s closed in the mid-1970s, becoming a children?s home. Today, 25 Justice + Joy agencies still provide services to young women, but the priority is to enable mothers to remain with their children a pendulum swing that Pai-Espinosa regards as true to the original mission. Though times have changed, she said ?young motherhood is still influenced by the same complex mix of factors: race, gender, and class.?

An Episcopal apology?

If an apology is formalized, the Episcopal Church would be the first organization in the U.S. to facilitate an apology process for mothers and their children who were adopted. Two Canadian religious institutions formally apologized: the United Church of Canada in November 2020 and the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Vancouver in May 2022.  The United Church of Canada ran five maternity homes across Canada. ?Women told us that they felt, pressured, coerced, or forced to give up their babies and the church recognizes it participated in the culture of shame that surrounded unmarried mothers at that time,? said Rev. Daniel Hayward, chairperson of the committee that recommended the apology.

To make reparations, the Vancouver archdiocese initiated trainings for Catholic counselors, social workers, and psychologists; ran articles in its regional newspaper; created a webpage of resources for adoptees and families of origin; and opened a hotline for those affected by adoption. Archbishop J. Michael Miller also gave a Mother?s Day blessing for mothers who were coerced to place their children for adoption.  Although the Episcopal Church no longer operates maternity homes, Gurtler and her counterparts worry that local dioceses and parishes continue to encourage the separation of mothers and infants via support of social and adoption agencies that pressure mothers to relinquish their infants.  Overall, she wants the church to stop promoting the narrative of adoption as ?the most wonderful thing,? and instead favor natural family preservation.

She wants the church to support mental health services for women who relinquished their kids at church-operated maternity homes like St. Faith?s. She also wants the church to assist families in finding each other again; birth records are not accessible even to adoptees in every state, and adoption records themselves can be elusive.  For the Episcopal Church?s resolution, Pai-Espinosa wrote a letter expressing regret over the actions of Crittenton in coercing mothers into placing their children for adoption. ?Not a month goes by that we don?t hear from someone searching for a family member and we are acutely aware of the pain and damage done by the past practices,? she wrote.

She encouraged the church not to react defensively but to compassionately consider the consequences of the actions taken during this era.  Gurtler, now a speech pathologist, says joining other women in calling on religious institutions to apologize for forced adoption is finally helping her use her voice again. For herself, she simply wants the truth to be acknowledged.  ?I just want someone to say to my son and my grandchildren: ?We stole him from her,?? she said.

56

General Discussion / Re: Devotions

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on October 17, 2023, 11:30:28 AM »

https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2022/12/29/planting-small-seeds-that-reap-big-rewards?utm_campaign=Daily%20Devotions&utm_medium=email&_hsmi=237844368&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-_-ZSP3F51zWzcK8X1bMeblkHTyKNujmN6jqLKCO_cxroIiTniglTU8udJ5-IeRJvd1BTksY0TO8thLpplMDKD_Q27sLg&utm_content=237844368&utm_source=hs_email#disqus_thread

Planting Small Seeds That Reap Big Rewards
December 29, 2022
by Lysa TerKeurst

“He told them another parable: ‘The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.'” Matthew 13:31-32 (NIV)

Isn’t it easy to overlook small opportunities to help others because we don’t think it would make a real difference?

Little acts of kindness, chances to help another person, will pass us right by if we’re not carefully paying attention.  These things might seem meaningless, but when we get to heaven, I think we will be surprised by what mattered the most. What actually changed the world. What fulfilled the purposes for which we were created. The small places we showed up and served in obedience will prompt Jesus to say, “Well done. Remember when you took the time to share encouraging words with someone who needed them? That’s the day you helped change the world.”

That’s what I see in our key verses today, Matthew 13:31-32:  “He told them another parable: 'The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.’”

I keep reminding myself right now of this upside-down nature of God.  God has a pattern of taking what makes us feel less-than and using it for great things. And then the opposite is true as well. It’s those things that make us feel like we’re better than others that actually produce nothing significant at all. It seems, with Him, small is big, and big is small. The cheers of the crowds don’t mean much. The simple conversation where we helped someone means everything. Hundreds or thousands of people following us on social media isn’t the big influence we think it is. Being kind and gracious to that gal who works at the grocery store does more than we know. A donation given with a pure and generous heart is a massive gift for the Kingdom. A million dollars given with a hidden agenda and a desire for recognition is a tiny gift for the Kingdom.  God has the most beautiful, powerful ability to take the little we have, offered to Him in obedience, and magnify it for His glory in a big way.  I also know when you feel unseen, unheard and unnoticed, it can feel incredibly hard to muster up encouraging words for others. However, no matter what we may be facing, we have an opportunity not to overlook the small, mustard-seed opportunities where we can invest in others in heaven today.  Here’s what I want you to try with me:

    If you feel unseen, help one person feel seen by reminding them how uniquely beautiful and gifted they are today.
    If you feel unheard, help one person feel heard by holding space to listen when they're speaking to you, and prayerfully ask God how you can encourage them.
    If you feel unnoticed, help one person feel noticed by honoring the amazing little things they do every single day to make the world a better place.

And why do all of this? Because I’ve found as we purposefully ease the ache in others, we will see it is beautifully eased in us. The unseen ache. The unheard ache. The unnoticed ache. We want to live in a better world, right? So let’s make a decision today to contribute to making it better. Let’s vow to bring heaven to earth with the loving words we say and the moments we cultivate that bring laughter.

It doesn’t have to be big to be significant. We can show up, listen and lean in. We can pray. We don’t have to push or prove or earn anything. We can plan something joyful. We can plan for some moments that matter. We can plan to do something for another person that will simply be kind and honor God.

The next big step God wants us to take may appear small by the world’s standards:

Loving our next-door neighbor who lives alone …
Spending extra time with our child when we’re exhausted …
Going the extra mile for someone who can’t repay us …
Choosing to stay obediently in a commitment that isn’t going how we thought it would …
Giving our all in something we want to quit …

And sometimes God is inviting us to be a part of great things He is doing all around us, but we may miss the invitation because of its appearance of smallness or insignificance. We may never know what that next step is if we don’t “listen for GOD’s voice in everything [we] do, everywhere [we] go,” as Proverbs 3:6 (MSG) instructs us.

Each day we can look for His invitation to leave our plans behind to join Him in His wondrous work through small steps of obedience.  Let’s start with the people right in front of us today. And watch how God turns something small into something big and beautiful in His timing.  I believe we have the opportunity to do something eternally significant every single day let’s not allow today to pass us by.

57

Politics / Ongoing legacy of historic adoption practices revealed in published evidence

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on October 17, 2023, 11:21:43 AM »

https://committees.parliament.uk/work/1522/the-right-to-family-life-adoption-of-children-of-unmarried-women-19491976/news/164944/ongoing-legacy-of-historic-adoption-practices-revealed-in-published-evidence/

Ongoing legacy of historic adoption practices revealed in published evidence

18 March 2022

The Joint Committee on Human Rights has published the first tranche of written evidence it has received as part of its inquiry into the adoption of children of unmarried women between 1949 and 1976. The submissions include a large number of personal testimonies from mothers who were separated from their children, and people who were separated from their mothers as babies.

The testimonies reveal the societal and institutional pressures that led to unmarried mothers feeling they had no choice but for their baby to be adopted, and in many cases being given no option at all. They reveal a pervasive sense of shame and judgement towards unmarried mothers that led to pregnant women and girls being hidden or sent away and an air of secrecy for many years afterwards. This extended to the standard of treatment experienced during and after the birth, and has left a lasting impact. People who were adopted described the legacy of not knowing their family history, particularly for health issues.

A central aim of the inquiry is to listen to those affected by adoption practices during this time. As part of this the Joint Committee is holding a round-table event where members of the public can relate their experiences. Further information about how to take part can be found here.

The published written evidence can be found on the Committee’s website here. Excerpts of the submissions giving an overview of some the key issues raised are below. At the request of some respondents, and to protect the anonymity of individuals, some parts of the submissions have been redacted ahead of publication.

How unmarried mothers were treated

“Sending me away from my family to adult lodgings to have a baby on my own at 15 years has scarred me for life. Physically and psychologically. Being away from home in a strange town, I was not integrated into ante natal care and had absolutely no idea what to expect. I had a traumatic manual induction of labour at the hands of a local GP. I went into labour and hospital by ambulance alone. The birth process was a terrible shock as I had no preparation. I cared for my son for 8 days in the maternity hospital before returning to my lodgings alone. Back in my home town I was not integrated into post-natal care. I believe this lack of physical health care led to my being unable to have any further children. An indescribable grief.”

Mrs Eileen Griffiths (ACU0006)

“In 1962, as a seventeen year old art student, I found myself pregnant. As was commonplace at that time, my family was horrified and decided to send me away and hide my situation, to avoid the shame and loss of reputation that would otherwise follow.”

Anonymous (ACU0092)

“I was unaccompanied during the birth, except for the midwives, and the birth took place in a local hospital on 1975. The birth was long and grim, ending with an epidural, forceps and many stitches, probably because I had had virtually no ante-natal care or preparation and was absolutely terrified. My daughter was taken straight into the nursery and I was left on a trolley outside the delivery room until, sometime later, I was wheeled onto a ward. I cannot remember much of the next ten days (ten days was the usual post-birth hospital stay then) but I do know that I was desperate to see my daughter all the time. I remember going secretly into the nursery in the dead of night and attempting to breastfeed her – I had no idea at all of how to do this but some primal need and drive led me. After ten days, I left the hospital with my mother, leaving my daughter behind. And from that moment on, my family didn’t refer to either my daughter or my experience for forty years. I was expected to get on with life.”

Anonymous (ACU 108)

Making decisions around adoption

“I did not know I was allowed to give my son a name I was so elated when I was told I was allowed to. There was so much I didn’t know, about my rights. There was no-one standing up for me and my son. Everything was geared to pressurise me into relinquishing my son to a married, childless couple.”

Anonymous (ACU0044)

“As an unmarried mother I was allocated a social worker, who although, was very kind and understanding, persuaded me that there really was no alternative but to have my baby adopted. I had no support from the father of the baby, I could not, and would not rely on support from my parents, and at that time there was no government support in any way. I just could not have kept my baby, carried on working and supporting myself without help. So the most painful decision of my life had to be made, and everyone encouraged me to have my baby adopted.”

Florence Keaton (ACU0057)

“My parents didn’t really know what to do, so left it all in the hands of our family doctor. He immediately put us in touch with the Church Army moral welfare officer and the whole situation was completely governed by my GP and the Church welfare officer. Adoption was the only prospect ever considered by them and my parents – I didn’t even have a say in the matter. But I knew even before he was born that I loved my baby – it felt like it was him and me against the world. But my rights as a mother and his rights as my child were taken away from us.”

Anonymous (ACU0112)

Attempting to establish contact

“I decided I would try to find my mother as the law allowed. I had to go for 3 interviews with Social Services just to apply for my original birth certificate. They gave me incorrect info regarding my mother. Said she was 21 and not Irish as I had been told by my adopted mother. They told me they could give me no help in tracing my mother. I felt I had to pass a suitability test just to know who I was.”

Anonymous (ACU0020)

“Another very difficult thing to hear from my mother was that she had searched for me. She had desperately wanted to find me and had done everything in her power to find out where I was including going through the records at [redacted] House. All to no avail, she was told that all she could do was leave her details on my file should I ever come looking. I will never understand this. Why was she not allowed to at least know that I was alive and safe? How incredibly cruel. It brings tears to my eyes to think of how that must have felt for her, knowing I was out there somewhere, possibly in the next street or possibly on the other side of the world.”

Anonymous (ACU0081)

“Under the adoption legislation of the time, the adoption was deemed full and final, that there would be no contact. What if my daughter didn't know she had been adopted? There was, after all, no requirement for her to have been told and I had no right to approach mediation services”

Anonymous (ACU0115)

Long-term impact

“I am angry that adoption practices allowed me to be handed over to unfit adopters. I am angry that society, professionals, and adoption practices at that time caused my birth mother so much pain, trauma, and life-long shame. I feel an adoption apology to acknowledge the huge impact of forced adoption on birth mothers and their children who were adopted is long overdue.”

Anonymous (ACU0046)

“None of us me, my birth mother, and adopted parents received support or counselling. There was nothing. We were all just left to get on with it it’s only from having a friend who is a fellow adoptee of the same age (with similar issues) that I have researched the effects of how being adopted impacts on one’s self-esteem and ability to bond with others. But I continue to feel like a dirty unworthy secret.”

Anonymous (ACU0074)

“I was severed from my birth family, and they were severed from me. I was prevented access to familiar faces and the people that I look like. I didn’t have information pertinent to familial medical history. I grew up without the facts surrounding my life. I was raised with the knowledge that I am adopted, although my experience of dialogue around my adoption is shut-down. It is not talked about. Adoption has deeply impacted on my sense of self, my self-esteem, my relationships to others, and my relationship to the world.”

Harry Barnett (ACU0091)

58

General Discussion / Re: Devotions

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on October 15, 2023, 02:32:04 PM »

https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2022/12/22/what-do-i-do-with-all-of-these-painful-memories-this-christmas-season?utm_campaign=Daily%20Devotions&utm_medium=email&_hsmi=237560633&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-_S6iOO-gzp132-c-gUQGIs-2EkcYQEBGtOlCXMHuYbJ6cp6v2y3RWz_nSeTY6cDz54PBDBsa0eiw11eUmyBoMjT__BhA&utm_content=237560633&utm_source=hs_email#disqus_thread

What Do I Do With All of These Painful Memories This Christmas Season?
December 22, 2022
by Lysa TerKeurst

“Now grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift.” Ephesians 4:7 (CSB)

Do you ever find yourself defining life by “before” and “after” the deep hurt?

The horrific season. The conversation that stunned you. The shocking day of discovery. The relationship you hoped would go the distance, but it didn’t. The day your friend walked away. The hurtful conversation. The remark that seems to be branded on your soul. The day everything changed.  That marked moment in time. Life before. Life now. Is it even possible to move on from something like this?

I deeply understand this kind of defining devastation in such a personal way. I also know how the Christmas season can magnify all of that pain.  People who are no longer a part of our lives are missing from holiday traditions. Ornaments and photographs that should bring joy stir up feelings of grief instead. Memories that were once sweet now serve only to widen the chasm between what was and what is.  So what are we supposed to do with all of these mementos and memories?

The ones where there was some good there at one time, there were some beautiful things, and there are some good memories even if the good turned bad and an ending was absolutely necessary.  Do we go through our homes and throw everything out? Is there a way for us to walk away holding on to our integrity? Is there a way to let someone walk away from us without hating them? Is there any way for a bad goodbye to be a “good” bye still?

It’s interesting that the original phrase in the late 1500s was “God be with ye.” The contraction of that phrase was “Godbwye” which eventually became “goodbye.”  I’ve recently sat with the thought of goodbyes being more of a sending off with God rather than a slammed door, a contact deleted and a puddle of angst. Is it possible for a goodbye to be more than a good riddance with a huff of disgust?

I wonder. When Jesus watched the rich young ruler walk away, what was the look in His eyes? (Matthew 19:22)

I wonder. When Peter denied Jesus and abandoned Him just before Jesus went to the cross, what was the goodbye like?

A goodbye Jesus surely whispered through a busted-up body and a broken heart? (Mark 14:71-72)

I wonder what it was like when Judas, with a heart full of betrayal, kissed Jesus’ cheek, sold Him out and then ended his own life. (Matthew 26:47-49) How did Jesus say goodbye?

I’ll never really know on this side of eternity.  But I have a thought. I think Jesus said goodbye the same way He lived all the days before the hurt, betrayal, rejection and abandonment. While the relationships certainly changed, He didn’t let the goodbye change Him. He let people walk away without letting go of who He was. Even when people turned on Jesus, He didn’t let a goodbye turn Him into someone He was never meant to be.  And while I’ll be the first one to admit I’m nowhere close to the purity and perfection of Jesus, I also don’t want goodbyes in my life to make it look like I’ve never spent any time with Jesus at all.  I haven’t been great about this in the past. But I’d like to get better.  Friend, can I whisper something I’m learning?

Staying here, blaming that person and forever defining your life by what they did will only increase the pain. Worse, it will keep projecting out onto others. The more our pain consumes us, the more it will control us. And sadly, it’s those who least deserve to be hurt whom our unresolved pain will hurt the most.  We can’t edit reality to try to force healing. We can’t fake our way into being OK with what happened. But we can decide that the ones who hurt us don’t get to decide what we do with our memories. Our lives can be a graceful combination of beautiful and painful. We don’t have to put either definitive label on it — it can be both-and.  Maybe that’s part of what’s hard about moving on: the letting go. But what if it’s possible to let go of what we must but still carry with us what is beautiful and meaningful and true to us? And maybe this less-severe version of moving on is what will ease us to a place of forgiveness, allowing God’s grace for us to flow freely through us like today's key verse talks about. (Ephesians 4:7)  There’s been enough trauma. So because I don’t want anything else ripped or stripped away, I need to decide what stays and what goes.  This is what I need. This is what I want. I’d like a little more “God be with you” in my goodbyes.  Some of the memories of what happened will probably always be painful and not good at all. But the thought of “God be with you” has really stuck to something good in my heart. And it’s sneaking into my thoughts and my processing and even my conversations as Christmas is approaching.  And then the other night I literally just closed my eyes and pictured Jesus’ hands. I mentally started placing all the memories, one by one, into His strong, carpentry-calloused, nail-pierced, grace-gripped hands. I asked the Lord to help me whisper “God be with you” over each memory.  It didn’t settle everything yet. But it was a start, and I believe that Jesus is working in me and healing my heart.  I want this for you, too, however this translates within the context of your pain, those pictures, those memories, those times of togetherness.  This isn’t easy, sweet friend. But let's determine today that we don't want to let pain write our future.

59

General Discussion / Walking Counts When It’s Hard To Run Your Race

« Last post by Forgotten Mother on October 15, 2023, 01:51:01 PM »

https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2022/12/21/walking-counts-when-its-hard-to-run-your-race?utm_campaign=Daily%20Devotions&utm_medium=email&_hsmi=237560722&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-9M_DJMRTaKHOvqov1oQDXzPeCNb3MuG_Egdcfkj4ybzqoV7BjvI3329UW5_Tj4tKYIs6j0cmVNRcK4DtVUw83B_Gt4sg&utm_content=237560722&utm_source=hs_email#disqus_thread

Walking Counts When It’s Hard To Run Your Race
December 21, 2022
by Kia Stephens

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us …” Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)

Everything about me looked like I was a serious runner.  Leggings, earbuds and my cellphone armband communicated to all onlookers that I was in the habit of exercising regularly. The elastic in my pants firmed up my otherwise wiggly cellulite, making me appear more toned. I felt good, looked the part and had a bright idea: Why not run today instead of walk?

The sun beamed on my face, the morning air was refreshing, and the songs on my playlist made me feel alive as I jogged to the beat. I was a runner at least until my body began to tell me otherwise.  Initially, it was a subtle change: My legs started to ache, my skin started to itch, and my breathing became uncontrolled. Soon, I was completely out of breath and aching all over. Everything in me wanted to quit, but quitting was not an option. I had a self-imposed goal to run my entire route.  I did not want to break the commitment I made with myself, but my ambitions were more than I was capable of achieving that day. Reluctantly, I gave myself permission to alternate between running for as long as I could and walking when I needed a break.  Sometimes we need to offer ourselves this same type of grace in our faith race.  There are seasons in our lives when we look and feel spiritually strong. We faithfully have daily quiet time, attend Sunday services, forgive quickly, serve in multiple ways, adhere to spiritual disciplines and fellowship with others.  Then we experience unexpected obstacles we must overcome that leave us exhausted, out of breath and ready to give up. The author of Hebrews offers us encouragement for those seasons in our lives.  Hebrews 12:1 says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us …”

This scripture comes after spiritual “giants” Abraham, Sarah, David, Samuel and countless others are commended for their faith. These people are the spectators of our faith race and a part of the “great cloud of witnesses” referred to in Hebrews 12. Because of the foundation they laid for us, the author of Hebrews says we can “throw off everything that hinders” and “run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

My faith race this year has been one filled with many challenges. I wish I could say I immediately threw off my hindrances, sins and the things that entangled me, but there have been times when all I could do was just keep moving forward.  Hebrews 12:1 tells us quitting is not an option. Instead of quitting, we must learn to give ourselves grace.  I opted to run my faith race for as long as I could and to walk when I needed to. Walking does not equate to failure. It simply gives us the grace we need to persevere.  Walking may mean that for a season …

1.  We are intentional about resting more and serving less.
2.  We spend time with God instead of doing things for God.
3.  We pray prayers that are filled with more tears than words.

I am convinced walking will not disqualify us. God doesn’t ask us to sprint at top speed through our faith race; He asks us to persevere. God encourages us to choose a pace we can sustain over time. Sometimes this requires spiritually walking.  When we walk, we are still moving and believing in God, completing the race marked out for us and building up our endurance so we can eventually run again. Each of us has a God-appointed race only we can run. When life gets hard (and we know it will), may we focus on Jesus and walk with perseverance until we can run the rest of the way.

60

Articles / Secrets and lies

« Last post by RDsmum on October 13, 2023, 11:43:43 AM »

https://perspectivemag.co.uk/secrets-and-lies/?fbclid=IwAR1glJnp3BrygczH-jrUJjRREWt5oeQLbhAH8_cFpSHjHQ11JL2ke8WnJOQ

Secrets and lies
Why a full government apology is needed for the victims of forced UK adoptions
15 August 2023, 12:41pm

I was on the District Line when I saw my Dad for the first time. Coming home from an event, a bit tipsy, and suddenly there he was. He has my slightly wonky but mischievous eyes, luxuriant shoulder-length dark hair, and looked like a member of the Bay City Rollers, dolled up for a wedding. He never knew I existed.  When I’d first got in touch, my new-found uncle had taken a lot of convincing that his brother had fathered a child before dying of cancer, aged twenty. No one including my birth parents had known I was his. I’m the result of a fleeting teenage fling, and even my birth mother had always thought her steady boyfriend was responsible. But eventually, after matched DNA results proved my lineage, my uncle emailed a photo. Aged 50, I finally saw my Dad. Late night, alone, on a tube train.  I am one of the victims of the forced adoption scandal in the UK, for which, in March, Nicola Sturgeon, then first minister of Scotland, issued a formal apology on behalf of the Scottish government. In an emotional speech, she talked of “a level of injustice which is hard now for us to comprehend” and that it was time to “acknowledge the terrible wrongs that have been done”.

More recently, the Welsh government followed suit, with Julie Morgan, deputy minister for social services, addressing mothers and adult adoptees, saying: “I would like to convey my deepest sympathy and regret that due to society failing you, you had to endure such appalling historical practices. For this I am truly sorry.”

    My adoptive parents had put together a checklist of character traits they wanted

By contrast, the UK Government – which, let’s remember, was responsible for adoption policy across all home nations at the time – responded to a separate parliamentary report by admitting that adoptees born between 1949 and 1976 had been subjected to a breach of their human rights, but stopped short of issuing a full apology, instead opining that: “We are sorry on behalf of society for what happened.”

For those of us caught up in this, that’s not nearly enough. In short, they passed responsibility for their mistakes to us, by saying: “It was just what happened in those days.”

Many have questioned why an apology is important, given these practices ended in the mid-1970s. This is why.  Mothers were forced to give up their children shortly after birth. Largely young and unmarried often with the collusion of their families, and always with input from social workers or church groups they were told there was no state support available. They were unfit to be mothers. There’s more than a whiff of Mary Whitehouse-like moral judgement in what happened to them. Their stories are heartbreaking.  Forcibly removed from my mother, I was in the care of the state for the first few weeks of my life. I wish I could tell you that someone loved me, touched me, kept me safe in those formative days, but no one can find my records.  The state orphaned me. It took my identity without my consent. Think a witness protection programme, imposed against my will. The crime I’d “witnessed” was a seventeen-year-old girl giving birth. Her crime began in a one-night stand with the guitarist in her brother’s band. For that, she needed to be punished. It started with nurses deliberately withholding all pain relief.  But that’s her story, not mine except I’ve come to realise that I barely have a story of my own. As with many adoptees, cover stories were created to make this seem a plausible and desirable option for both my mother and me. “She was too young; she couldn’t have given you the things we can; she wanted you to have a better life.”

Information about birth parents is scant and often completely fabricated, meaning adoptees cling to slivers to help make sense of their genetic make-up. My adoptive parents were told by social services that my father was a musician in the armed forces, so I found watching Trooping the Colour unbearable; have you ever looked at sixteen horn players marching in formation while thinking “Which one of you bastards is my father?”

The recent coronation was the first state occasion I had ever watched without breaking out in a cold sweat, since I now know that military bands played no part in my history.  My adoptive parents had put together a checklist of character traits they wanted: girl, CHECK; musical or artistic, CHECK. I was a commodity, an innocent child, ready for them to mould. As they always told me, I was more special than my classmates because they chose me. Society lauded them for doing a good thing, giving an unwanted child a home and a good start in life.  Except this child came preloaded with her own thoughts. With a burning sense of fairness, with a need to build her own safe space, with ruthless resilience. No one knew from where such radical beliefs had come: she was meant to be a blank slate. Hadn’t the reboot worked?

That’s often the thing with adult adoptees. We fight hard to establish our own identity without having any of the normal prompts. The longstanding discussions of nature vs nurture have particular resonance for us, because we’re only privy to the second part of that puzzle. It’s very easy to understand that your sense of humour comes from your dad, or love of art from your mother, if you have them, or wider family, around to tell you. But what if all that information has been deliberately withheld?

You feel you don’t quite fit in, anywhere, because you can’t pin your values, interests, physical attributes and talents to anything, or anyone.  In time as you emerge from the fear, obligation and guilt that so often partner the narrative of being saved by a nice middle-class family you begin to realise you were trafficked, and that the state facilitated that.

    In time, you begin to realise you were trafficked, and the state facilitated that

Adoptees will find that their original birth certificates have been voided, reissued under a new name. That, on adoption, they were gifted a new NHS number, so that it was near impossible to trace birth families. They begin to realise they were entered into a lifelong adoption contract without any legal representation, and with no break clause.  It gets wearing that every time they visit a GP, they go through the rigmarole of explaining that no, we don’t have any family medical history, and then watch while the doctor looks awkward, shrugs and says: “So, no pre-existing conditions. We’ll put you down as no risk.”

They also find that life assurance companies take the opposite view, penalising with exorbitant premiums, specifically because they don’t have any family medical history and are therefore high risk.  For those who persist in trying to find genetic families, they might seek medical records from their birth, only to be told they can be accessed only with the permission of the mother yes, the one you can’t find. If records haven’t been conveniently lost in a fire/flood/office move (delete as applicable), some lucky few are provided with adoption files with so much information redacted that they are literally not worth the paper they were written on. Others are told their own birth records have been sealed for a hundred years, but provided with no reason.  Increasingly, it’s transpiring that some adoptive families have been told their children’s birth names but choose to withhold this information from their adoptees, despite assurances that they’ve passed on everything they know. These transgressions are often discovered only on the death of adopters, secreted in family documents like little hand grenades that detonate alongside grief. The lies and manipulations that sit, on some level, behind all adoptions are breathtaking.  Unsurprisingly, many adoptees find this difficult to process and seek counselling, only to uncover another hurdle: we are able to be supported only by counsellors registered with OSTED, despite being adults. Unsurprisingly, very few bother so there’s a massive shortage of adoption-informed therapists to support us. I know of only two north of Watford. Providing a recommended reading list to a potential counsellor prior to starting therapy is the norm in the adoptee community. Yet again, we do both the emotional labour and the pragmatic administration in our bid to find our roots. It’s as if the government deliberately overlooks the fact that children become adults, keen to keep us infantilised.  The advent of home DNA-testing kits has been a game-changer. If the authorities won’t help, science will. But going from tiny scraps of (mis)information to a worldwide network of people who share your blood line is utterly overwhelming. Sadly, not all relatives are accepting, as adoptees are usually the dirty secret of the family tree, so the happy-ever-after moments so beloved of TV programmes are the exception. Only one in ten reunions are positive.  What do I know of mine?

My birth mother and grandmother are both alive, and we have met. This is not a happy-ending story, since although my mother and I are building a relationship, nothing can ever make up for her missing my first day of school, my fifty birthdays, and being in my wedding photos. Few people will have had the experience of finally meeting the grandmother who signed them away to a parallel life with another family, against their own daughter’s wishes, and had to sit smiling throughout the meeting.  There are positives, and amusing coincidences, such as finding that my mother and I had exactly the same photo of an unlikely pin-up in our teenage bedrooms: Glaswegian architect Charles Rennie Mackintosh. There are also huge sadnesses, such as discovering I have cousins on my father’s side who either do not want to meet me, or don’t know of my existence, since all contact is gate-kept by the eldest uncle, a man untroubled by emotional intelligence. I suspect my own comes down the matriarchal line.  So, back to the apology. Yes, it would make a difference to me and to the quarter of a million other adoptees from that period because it legitimises the trauma of being parted from your mother, and the lifelong impact of adoption – the primal wound. Under UK Law, puppies cannot be separated from their mothers until they are eight weeks old because scientific research says it risks behavioural and health problems in later life. Join the dots.  Many surmise that the lack of a formal apology is because the admission of liability would prompt reparation claims. Yes, it probably would. The government knew everything all along, so perhaps could cover some of the costs. Aside from any compensation for the wrongs done, it’s taken me thousands of pounds to date to try and find out who I am: subscriptions to ancestry sites, DNA testing, counselling, certified copies of documents to unlock further secrets and lies. Adoption is state-mandated identity stripping. An apology is the very least the adoptee community deserves.

Arwen Noble is a nom de plume, but also the author’s birth name. The child left floating in the ether who has a birth certificate but then disappears