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601

Adoption Reform / Adoption law reform aims to speed up placements

« on: March 27, 2020, 01:43:29 PM »

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-36321135

Adoption law reform aims to speed up placements
By Katherine Sellgren Education and family reporter

A shake-up of adoption rules in England aims to move more children more quickly from the care system to family life.  The Children and Social Work Bill, unveiled in the Queen's Speech, aims to reduce delays in placing children with an adoptive family.  The new law will also aim to improve social care standards across England.  The Queen's Speech also set out plans, through an Education for All Bill, to encourage though not require all schools in England to become academies.  The Higher Education and Research Bill, which supports the establishment of new universities, was also highlighted in Wednesday's speech.  The policy is aimed at promoting choice and competition in England's higher education system.

Permanent adoption

The government says the Children and Social Work Bill will "tip the balance in favour of permanent adoption, where that is the right thing for the child and drive improvements in the social work profession by introducing more demanding professional standards and setting-up a specialist regulator for the profession".

The legislation aims to give young people leaving the care system more help, with a commitment by local authorities act as better "corporate parents", helping them when they make the transition into independent living.  Care leavers will have the right to have a personal adviser, until they are 25, to help them with the move into adulthood.  Courts and local councils will have to "take better account" of a child's need for stability when making adoption decisions as part of the changes.  A specialist regulator for social work will also be established to improve standards and training.  Ministers say change is necessary to improve the life chances of those who have been in care.  Around 10,000 children leave residential or foster care each year. And, by the age of 19-21, 39% are not in employment, education or training.  The number of children in England being looked after by the state rose to nearly 70,000 last year.  The National Children's Bureau said the plans showed "great promise" for those leaving care, but chief executive Anna Feuchtwang warned that cuts in services could have a negative impact on those who remained.  "It is, however, disappointing to see no clear strategy guaranteeing services which intervene early to improve children's lives and future outcomes or any evidence to illustrate how early help will be supported in the current programme of austerity," she said.

Jon Sparkes, chief executive of homelessness charity Crisis, welcomed the proposal for a care leavers' covenant, saying: "Young people have too often been forced out of care before they're ready our research shows that one in four homeless people have been in care as children."

But he said the Queen's Speech failed to address the "urgent" need for a change in the law to tackle homelessness through properly funded prevention and early intervention schemes.

Academies encouraged

The Queen's Speech also outlined how all schools in England will be encouraged to become academies.  The Education for All Bill, which aims to "spread educational excellence everywhere", says one of its main aims is changing schools to academies in the worst-performing local authorities.  But the government will stop short of using its latest education bill to make all schools convert and will instead only push forward with compelling academy conversions:

    where it is clear that the local authority can no longer viably support its remaining schools because too many others have already become academies or
    where the local education authority consistently fails to meet a minimum performance threshold across its schools

The Education Secretary Nicky Morgan said earlier this month that plans to make schools switch had been dropped this followed fierce criticism from teachers, parents, unions and even some Conservative MPs.  One of the stated aims of the legislation is to "move towards a system where all schools are academies, and all schools are funded fairly".

It also aims to make the process of becoming an academy "swifter and smoother".  The Local Government Association said it remained opposed to any forced academisation.  Cllr Roy Perry, chairman of the LGA's Children and Young People Board, said councils had a vital role to play in school improvement.  "Hundreds of schools, often in disadvantaged areas, are being turned around thanks to the intervention of local councils, highlighting that they should be regarded as education improvement partners rather than as a barrier to change."

The government's legislation also aims to redress "historical unfairness" in school funding, using a national funding formula to ensure money is allocated "fairly and efficiently".  Russell Hobby, general secretary of the National Association of Head Teachers, said a commitment to a fair funding formula was welcome but warned of tight budgets for schools.  "A fair funding formula will not work without sufficient funding in the system as a whole. Schools cannot deliver educational excellence without talented staff recruited and retained."

The Education for All Bill will also place a responsibility on schools when it comes to the next educational steps of excluded pupils.  General secretary of the Association of Teachers and Lecturers Mary Bousted said: "We are pleased the government is going to focus on vulnerable pupils to ensure their education, whether in mainstream or alternative provision, is safe and of a high standard.  But school leaders are already under intense pressure which is driving many from the profession. Without enough appropriately qualified staff, any reforms are unlikely to work."

602

Forum Administration and Announcements / Coronavirus Anxiety: Coping with Stress, Fear, and Uncertainty

« on: March 26, 2020, 11:25:46 AM »

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/coronavirus-anxiety.htm

Coronavirus Anxiety: Coping with Stress, Fear, and Uncertainty
Fears about COVID-19 can take an emotional toll, especially if you’re already living with an anxiety disorder. But you’re not powerless. These tips can help you get through this stressful time.

Understanding your anxiety

It’s a frightening time. We’re in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, with cities and even entire countries shutting down. Some of us are in areas that have already been affected by a coronavirus. Others are bracing for what may come. And all of us are watching the headlines and wondering, “What is going to happen next?”

For many people, the uncertainty surrounding coronavirus is the hardest thing to handle. We don’t know how exactly we’ll be impacted or how bad things might get. And that makes it all too easy to catastrophize and spiral out into overwhelming dread and panic. But there are many things you can do—even in the face of this unique crisis to manage your anxiety and fears.

Stay informed but don’t obsessively check the news

It’s vital to stay informed, particularly about what’s happening in your community, so you can follow advised safety precautions and do your part to slow the spread of coronavirus. But there’s a lot of misinformation going around, as well as sensationalistic coverage that only feeds into fear. It’s important to be discerning about what you read and watch.

*  Stick to trustworthy sources such as the CDC, the World Health Organization, and your local public health authorities.
*  Limit how often you check for updates. Constant monitoring of news and social media feeds can quickly turn compulsive and counterproductive fueling anxiety rather than easing it. The limit is different for everyone, so pay attention to how you’re feeling and adjust accordingly.
*  Step away from media if you start feeling overwhelmed. If anxiety is an ongoing issue, consider limiting your media consumption to a specific time frame and time of day (e.g. thirty minutes each evening at 6 pm).
*  Ask someone reliable to share important updates. If you’d feel better-avoiding media entirely, ask someone you trust to pass along any major updates you need to know about.
*  Be careful what you share. Do your best to verify the information before passing it on. Snopes’ Coronavirus Collection is one place to start. We all need to do our part to avoid spreading rumors and creating unnecessary panic.

Focus on the things you can control

We’re in a time of massive upheaval. There are so many things outside of our control, including how long the pandemic lasts, how other people behave, and what’s going to happen in our communities. That’s a tough thing to accept, and so many of us respond by endlessly searching the Internet for answers and thinking over all the different scenarios that might happen. But as long as we’re focusing on questions with unknowable answers and circumstances outside of our personal control, this strategy will get us nowhere—aside from feeling drained, anxious, and overwhelmed.  When you feel yourself getting caught up in fear of what might happen, try to shift your focus to things you can control. For example, you can’t control how severe the coronavirus outbreak is in your city or town, but you can take steps to reduce your own personal risk (and the risk you’ll unknowingly spread it to others), such as:

    washing your hands frequently (for at least 20 seconds) with soap and water or a hand sanitizer that contains at least 60% alcohol.
    avoiding touching your face (particularly your eyes, nose, and mouth).
    staying home as much as possible, even if you don’t feel sick.
    avoiding crowds and gatherings of 10 or more people.
    avoiding all non-essential shopping and travel.
    keeping 6 feet of distance between yourself and others when out.
    getting plenty of sleep, which helps support your immune system.
    following all recommendations from health authorities.

Plan for what you can

It’s natural to be concerned about what may happen if your workplace closes, your children have to stay home from school, you or someone you love gets sick, or you have to self-quarantine. While these possibilities can be scary to think about, being proactive can help relieve at least some of the anxiety.

*  Write down specific worries you have about how coronavirus may disrupt your life. If you start feeling overwhelmed, take a break.
*  Make a list of all the possible solutions you can think of. Try not to get too hung up on “perfect” options. Include whatever comes to mind that could help you get by.
*  Focus on concrete things you can problem-solve or change, rather than circumstances beyond your control.
*  After you’ve evaluated your options, draw up a plan of action. When you’re done, set it aside and resist the urge to go back to it until you need it or your circumstances significantly change.

How to stop “what-ifs” from spiraling

Relinquishing our desire for certainty and control is easier said than done. If you feel yourself start to spin out into negativity or panic, grounding yourself in the present moment can stop the negative spiral and allow your rational brain to come back online.  The technique is simple yet effective: Bring your attention to your breath and your body. Focus all of your attention on the here and now: noticing the sights, sounds, and smells around you and what you’re feeling in your body. Continue to breathe slowly in and out gently bringing your mind back to your body and breath every time it drifts until you feel more calm.

For a mindful breathing meditation that can help you regain inner calm, click here.

Stay connected—even when physically isolated

Evidence shows that many people with coronavirus particularly young, seemingly healthy people don’t have symptoms but can still spread the virus. That’s why the biggest thing that most people can do right now to make a positive difference is to practice social distancing.  But social distancing comes with its own risks. Humans are social animals. We’re hardwired for connection. Isolation and loneliness can exacerbate anxiety and depression, and even impact our physical health. That’s why it’s important to stay connected as best we can and reach out for support when we need it, even as we cut back on in-person socializing.

*  Make it a priority to stay in touch with friends and family. If you tend to withdraw when depressed or anxious, think about scheduling a regular phone, chat, or Skype dates to counteract that tendency.
*  While in-person visits are limited, substitute video chatting if you’re able. Face-to-face contact is like a “vitamin” for your mental health, reducing your risk of depression and helping ease stress and anxiety.
*  Social media can be a powerful tool not only for connecting with friends, family, and acquaintances but for feeling connected in a greater sense to our communities, country, and the world. It reminds us we’re not alone.
*  That said, be mindful of how social media is making you feel. Don’t hesitate to mute keywords or people who are exacerbating your anxiety. And log off if it’s making you feel worse.
*  Don’t let coronavirus dominate every conversation. It’s important to take breaks from stressful thoughts about the pandemic to simply enjoy each other’s company to laugh, share stories, and focus on other things going on in our lives.

Emotions are contagious, so be wise about who you turn to for support

All of us are going to need reassurance, advice, or a sympathetic ear during this difficult time. But be careful who you choose as a sounding board. The coronavirus is not the only thing that’s contagious. So are emotions! Avoid talking about the virus with people who tend to be negative or who reinforce and ramp up your fears. Turn to the people in your life who are thoughtful, level-headed, and good listeners.  If you don’t have someone you trust to turn to, apps such as 7 Cups are a good resource for free, emotional support.

Take care of your body and spirit

This is an extraordinarily trying time, and all the tried-and-true stress management strategies apply, such as eating healthy meals, getting plenty of sleep, and meditating. Beyond that, here are some tips for practicing self-care in the face of the unique disruptions caused by the coronavirus.

*  Be kind to yourself. Go easy on yourself if you’re experiencing more depression or anxiety than usual. You’re not alone in your struggles.
*  Maintain a routine as best you can. Even if you’re stuck at home, try to stick to your regular sleep, school, meal, or work schedule. This can help you maintain a sense of normalcy.
*  Take time out for activities you enjoy. Read a good book, watch a comedy, play a fun board or video game, make something whether it’s a new recipe, a craft, or a piece of art. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as it takes you out of your worries.
*  Get out in nature, if possible. Sunshine and fresh air will do you good. Even a walk around your neighborhood can make you feel better. Just be sure to avoid crowds, keep your distance from people you encounter, and obey restrictions in your area.
*  Find ways to exercise. Staying active will help you release anxiety, relieve stress, and manage your mood. While the gym and group classes are out, you can still cycle, hike, or walk. Or if you’re stuck at home, look online for exercise videos you can follow. There are many things you can do even without equipment, such as yoga and exercises that use your own bodyweight.
*  Avoid self-medicating. Be careful that you’re not using alcohol or other substances to deal with anxiety or depression. If you tend to overdo it in the best of times, it may be a good idea to avoid it for now.
*  Take up a relaxation practice. When stressors throw your nervous system out of balance, relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, and yoga can bring you back into a state of equilibrium. Regular practice delivers the greatest benefits, so see if you can set aside even a little time every day.

Help others (it will make you feel better)

At times like this, it’s easy to get caught up in your own fears and concerns. But amid all the stories of people fighting over rolls of toilet paper or lining up outside gun stores to arm themselves, it’s important to take a breath and remember that we’re all in this together. As a quote circulating in Italy reminds us: “We’re standing far apart now so we can embrace each other later.”

It’s no coincidence that those who focus on others in need and support their communities, especially during times of crisis, tend to be happier and healthier than those who act selfishly. Helping others not only makes a difference to your community and even to the wider world at this time it can also support your own mental health and well-being. Much of the anguish accompanying this pandemic stems from feeling powerless. Doing kind and helpful acts for others can help you regain a sense of control over your life as well as adding meaning and purpose.  Even when you’re self-isolating or maintaining social distance, there’s still plenty you can do to help others.  Follow guidelines for preventing the spread of the virus. Even if you’re not in a high-risk group, staying at home, washing your hands frequently, and avoiding contact with others can help save the lives of the most vulnerable in your community and prevent overburdening the healthcare system.  Reach out to others in need. If you know people in your community who are isolated particularly the elderly or disabled you can still offer support. Perhaps an older neighbor needs help with groceries or fulfilling a prescription?

You can always leave packages on their doorstep to avoid direct contact. Or maybe they just need to hear a friendly, reassuring voice over the phone. Many local social media groups can help put you in touch with vulnerable people in your area.

Donate to food banks. Panic-buying and hoarding have not only left grocery store shelves stripped bare but have also drastically reduced supplies to food banks. You can help older adults, low-income families, and others in need by donating food or cash.  Be a calming influence. If friends or loved ones are panicking, try to help them gain some perspective on the situation. Instead of scaremongering or giving credence to false rumors, refer them to reputable news sources. Being a positive, uplifting influence in these anxious times can help you feel better about your own situation too.  Be kind to others. An infectious disease is not connected to any racial or ethnic group, so speak up if you hear negative stereotypes that only promote prejudice. With the right outlook and intentions, we can all ensure that kindness and charity spread throughout our communities even faster than this virus.

Get more help

Coronavirus (COVID-19) – Up to date information and public health guidelines from the CDC. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention)

Coronavirus disease (COVID-19) outbreak – Find country guidance, tips for protecting yourself, and travel advice. (World Health Organization)

The Coronavirus Collection: Fact-Checking COVID-19 – (Snopes)

Authors: Melinda Smith, M.A., and Lawrence Robinson. Last updated: March 2020.

603

Research / Re: BASW unveils the Adoption Enquiry report and key findings

« on: March 26, 2020, 11:18:42 AM »

https://www.basw.co.uk/resources/role-social-worker-adoption-%E2%80%93-ethics-and-human-rights-enquiry-response

The role of the social worker in adoption ethics and human rights: An Enquiry: Response
Date published
12 June 2018
Location
UK

BASW commissioned an Enquiry into the role of the social worker in adoption in 2016 which has concluded with the submission of the final report by Professors Featherstone and Gupta. This Response document provides BASW’s reflections on the themes in their report, states the further actions we will take and what we ask of governments and policymakers across the UK.

Adoption has been a particularly politicised and contentious area of public policy in recent years in the UK, perhaps most particularly in England. Political and ideological perspectives on adoption drive legal frameworks, policy, the culture of practice and the use of resources. We welcome the way this Enquiry report raises and explores these issues through the eyes of those directly affected, and through considering the ethics of adoption as it is currently practised.

This Enquiry is a start and not an ending point for BASW. We will continue to develop its themes and support improvements in practice, policy and professional confidence, particularly in the application of ethical and human rights principles in this vital area of work. We will do this at a UK-wide and country-specific level and will be holding events across England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales to explore detailed implications in each of the jurisdictions.

604

Research / Re: BASW unveils the Adoption Enquiry report and key findings

« on: March 26, 2020, 11:10:35 AM »

https://www.basw.co.uk/resources/role-social-worker-adoption-ethics-and-human-rights-enquiry

The role of the social worker in adoption ethics and human rights: An Enquiry

Date published
12 June 2018
Location
UK

In 2016, the British Association of Social Workers (BASW) commissioned an Enquiry into the role of the social worker in adoption with a focus on ethics and human rights in order to:

*  Provide BASW with up-to-date knowledge and evidence from key stakeholders: social workers, managers, adult adoptees, adoptive parents, birth parents, siblings, policymakers and academics on this aspect of social work practice with a particular focus on how ethical and human rights issues and legislation are understood and inform practice;
*    Support BASW in developing its policies in this area.

In this report, we discuss the Enquiry’s key messages and the process involved in arriving at them. The Enquiry sought the views of adopted people, birth families, adoptive families, social workers, social work managers and other professionals, and created spaces for dialogue about the role of the social worker in adoption with a particular focus on ethics and human rights.

The Enquiry considered adoptions undertaken by local authorities across the four UK nations, England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. The focus did not include inter-country or stepparent adoptions.
Why was the Enquiry held?

The Enquiry was considered necessary for several reasons:

*  Adoption has been promoted by government policy in England in recent years. Moreover, across the UK, there is interest in expanding its role in ensuring permanency and stability for children.
*  Social workers are central to the implementation of adoption policy. They are involved in initiating care proceedings, recommending adoption as a care plan, assessing adopters, matching children and providing post-adoption support.
*  There has been little discussion about the role of the social worker in adoption in relation to ethics and human rights.

How was the Enquiry carried out?

Professors Brid Featherstone (University of Huddersfield) and Anna Gupta (Royal Holloway, University of London) led the Enquiry. Sue Mills (University of Leeds) was employed as the research assistant. A steering group, convened by BASW, oversaw the project. The team also worked with a reference group, members of whom provided expertise on different aspects of the Enquiry.

For the purposes of the Enquiry, we used the following definitions of ethics and human rights agreed with the steering group:

In its broadest sense ethics is concerned with looking at what is the right thing to do and what ought to be done. Ethics help us consider the benefits of actions or decisions for individuals, groups or society in general and the importance of the values and principles behind our decisions. So, it moves us beyond questions such as ‘does this policy work?’ and it makes us consider questions such as ‘is this policy right?’

Broadly speaking, we see human rights as emphasising our common humanity and the importance of social, economic, political, and legal rights. In the context of this Enquiry, a crucial question is whether all families can use the economic, social, legal and political rights they need to ensure their children’s safety and wellbeing.

605

Research / BASW unveils the Adoption Enquiry report and key findings

« on: March 26, 2020, 11:05:40 AM »

https://www.basw.co.uk/media/news/2018/jan/basw-unveils-adoption-enquiry-report-and-key-findings

BASW unveils the Adoption Enquiry report and key findings
Date published
18 January 2018
Location
UK
International
Cymru
England
Northern Ireland
Scotland

Adoption has been a particularly politicised and contentious area of public policy in recent years in the UK, perhaps most particularly in England. Political and ideological perspectives on adoption drive legal frameworks, policy, the culture of practice and the use of resources. It was against this backdrop that BASW commissioned the Adoption Enquiry in 2016.  The UK-wide inquiry, led by Professors Brid Featherstone and Anna Gupta, took evidence from more than 300 individuals and organisations. These included social workers, birth families, legal professionals, adoptive parents and adults who were adopted as children.  The study allowed for novel approaches to enable people from different perspectives to speak and listen to each other openly and safely. Through this, complex and profound narratives, which are too often silenced within prevailing discourse, have been brought to the fore.

Key findings

*  Challenging the status quo: It was considered that in England, in recent decades, policy makers had tended to promote adoption as risk-free in a ‘happy ever after’ narrative. The Enquiry heard from a range of respondents across the UK that this is unhelpful.

It can lead to the silencing of adopted children and adults who may have to manage contradictory emotions such as grief and loss, joy and happiness. It can lead to birth families being unable to articulate their losses and feelings of shame and sadness. It can also leave adoptive families silenced and unable to access the help they need.

*  Impact of austerity: The researchers found austerity was adding to the “considerable adversities” faced by many families in poverty who are seeking to safely care for their children. Welfare and legal aid cuts had reduced the financial resources available to some, while services designed to help more families stay together and prevent children being taken into care had also been stripped back.

Cutbacks were also impacting post-adoption support, with provision for both birth families and adoptive families “inadequate”, the inquiry found. Support for post-adoption contact between adopted children and their birth families was under-resourced, with little follow up from services if “letterbox contact” was ended unilaterally by any of the parties.

*  Human rights: The enquiry found social work’s professional ethics were not routinely or transparently used to inform adoption practice and said this area needed further exploration. It heard groups of parents such as birth mothers with mental health or learning difficulties and young parents who grew up in care were particularly vulnerable to both losing their children and not having their human rights respected.

*  Importance of social workers: The enquiry found the quality of the relationship between social workers and families was “crucial” to pre-and post-adoption support. However, it warned the pressure of rising caseloads and cuts to services, meant many practitioners felt limited in the time and support they could provide and some families feared their children would end up taken into care if they sought help.

*  Support for adoptive parents: There was a consensus that post-adoption support needed improving for everyone, with ethical issues raised in relation to adoptive parents being left caring for traumatised children without adequate help. England is the only country to have an Adoption Support Fund, but this was viewed as insufficiently resourced, with the amounts available capped in recent years.

Actions

This Enquiry is a start and not an ending point for BASW. We will continue to develop its themes and support improvements in practice, policy and professional confidence, particularly in the application of ethical and human rights principles in this vital area of work.

We will do this at a UK-wide and country-specific level and will be holding events across England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales to explore detailed implications in each of the jurisdictions.

The enquiry’s authors, Professor Featherstone and Professor Gupta, made five recommendations and BASW has accepted them and has outlined how they will action them.

BASW CEO Ruth Allen, said: “Adoption can be highly successful, providing children with stable, loving homes and adoptive parents with the experience of creating the family they want.  Birth families may consent to adoption and recognise the value to their biological child.

“However, the Enquiry explores the complex realities of adoption for many people, particularly in non-consensual adoption, with mixed outcomes and experiences for all involved which raise questions about what the report calls a dominant ‘happy ever after’ narrative.”

There is a dearth of information and meaningful longitudinal research to inform policy and social work practice on adoption. Very little information is collected or known about the social and economic circumstances, the lifetime costs and benefits, and long-term outcomes of the promotion of adoption of children from care.

For example, there is no comprehensive data on the number of children who are returned to care after adoption and the reasons why, nor sufficient research into the longitudinal outcomes into adult life of those who are adopted.

Allen continues: “Without this information, the arguments made for adoption in its current form and current policy are insufficiently evidenced.  Therefore, we are urging government and key stakeholders to urgently discuss the use of adoption in the context of wider social policies, specifically relating to poverty and inequality.”

See the Adoption Enquiry report and BASW’s Response.

The painful, traumatic and long-lasting impacts of losing a child of the family to adoption were repeatedly stressed by birth families. There was a consensus that post-adoption support needed improving for everyone, with ethical issues raised in relation to adoptive parents being left caring for traumatised children without adequate help. England is the only country to have an Adoption Support Fund, but this was viewed as insufficiently resourced, with the amounts available capped in recent years.

606

Adoption Legislation / The Adoption and Children Act 2002 - guide to the Act

« on: March 24, 2020, 08:22:41 PM »

https://www.compactlaw.co.uk/free-legal-information/adoption-law/the-adoption-and-children-act-2002.html

The Adoption and Children Act 2002 - a guide to the Act

When was the Act Passed?

The Adoption and Children Act 2002 received Royal Assent and therefore became law on 7th November 2002. However, the Act finally came into full effect on 30th December 2005.

The first stage of the Act dealing with Local Authorities duties to provide an adoption service and support services was implemented in April 2003. The second stage relating to inter-country adoptions came into effect on 1st June 2003 and the third stage relating to Adoption Support Services was implemented on the 31st October 2003. Changes to parental responsibility were implemented on 1st December 2003. The changes to the adopted children register took place on 30th December 2005.

What are the Provisions of the Act?

To overhaul and modernise the legal framework for domestic and inter-country adoption and in particular to replace provisions of the outdated Adoption Act 1976.

To put adoption law in line with the existing provisions of the Children Act 1989 to ensure the child's welfare is the paramount consideration in all decisions relating to adoption.

To place a duty on local authorities to maintain an adoption service and provide adoption support services.

To provide for adoption orders to be made in favour of single people, married couples and unmarried couples.

To introduce a new independent review mechanism for prospective adopters who feel they have been turned down unfairly.

To provide a new system for access to information held in adoption agency records and by the Register General about adoptions, which take place after the Act comes into force.

To provide additional restrictions on bringing a child into the UK for adoption.

To provide restrictions on arranging adoptions and advertising children for adoption.

To cut delays in the adoption process by establishing an Adoption and Children Act Register to suggest links between children and approved adopters.

To bring in new court rules governing the making of adoption orders and measures requiring the courts to draw up timetables for adoption cases to be heard. Freeing orders are now replaced for "placement orders".

To introduce a new special guardianship order for children for whom adoption is not a suitable option but who cannot return to their birth families.

To provide that an unmarried father can acquire parental responsibility for his natural child where he and the child's mother register the birth of their child together. (see the children section on the homepage for further information).

To introduce arrangements for step-fathers to acquire parental responsibility.

What Is The Definition Of An Adoption Agency?

This means either a Local Authority or a registered Adoption Society. It does not include adoption agencies abroad.

How do the Courts Ensure the Child's Welfare is Paramount?

The Act provides a welfare checklist which must be applied by the court and adoption agencies which includes:

a) The child's wishes and feelings (having regard to his age and understanding).

b) The child's particular needs (e.g. physical or educational).

c) The effect ceasing to be a member of the original family will have on the child.

d) The child's characteristics, such as age, sex and background.

e) The harm or risk of harm to the child. (This includes any impairment to the child's health or development as a result of witnessing the ill-treatment of another person).

f) The relationship of the child with relatives and "other relevant people" (e.g. the benefits to the child of the relationship continuing, the ability of the relatives to provide the child with a secure home).

A court may only make an adoption order where it considers that it would be better for a child than making no order.

Who Can Apply For an Adoption Order Under the Act?

a) Single people.

b) Married couples applying jointly.

c) Unmarried couples applying jointly (whether of different sexes or the same sex).

d) A Step-Parent (provided the child has had his/her home with them for at least six months preceding the application).

e) Foster carers (provided the child has had his/her home with them for at least 12 months preceding the application, although they can apply for permission from the court to apply within a shorter period).

f) Lesbian and gay couples.

g) Others not fitting into the above category (e.g. a partner of the child's parent) - the child must have had his/her home with them for at least three years preceding the application.

To be considered as adoptive parents, a "couple" (married or unmarried) would need to prove they have a stable and lasting relationship and that they can provide a loving family environment for a child. There is also a continuing restriction as to age and domicile.

Are There Any Conditions Attached to an Adoption Agency Placing a Child for Adoption?

If the application is made by a couple (whether married or unmarried), both of them must have been habitually resident in the British Isles for at least one year preceding the application or one of them must have been domiciled in a part of the British Isles.

If the adoption is through an adoption agency, the adoption application cannot be lodged until the child has been with the applicants for at least 10 weeks.

Either the permission of the birth parents (or if this is not forthcoming) then a "placement order" from the court which would authorise the local authority to place the child with adopters they have selected.

Can an Adoption Agency's Decision not to Place a Child for Adoption be Challenged by the Applicants?

The Act provides for the establishment of a review procedure in respect of decisions made by adoption agencies regarding adoption. A person in respect of whom a decision has been made regarding adoption will be able to apply to a review panel for a review of the decision. The intention is to give the prospective adopters a right to request a referral to a panel run by an independent organisation where an adoption panel indicates that it is minded to turn down their application to adopt.

It is also intended that this independent review mechanism will also be used to review decisions made by adoption agencies concerning the disclosure of protected information held by the agency, where the Agency has a discretion under the Act as to whether to disclose such information.

What Mechanisms are in Place Under the Act for Adopted Adults, Birth Parents and Others to Obtain Information About the Adoption?

The Act introduces new provisions regarding the information that must be kept by:

a) Adoption agencies in relation to a person's adoption.

b) Information that adoption agencies must disclose to adopted adults on request. ('Protected information')

c) Information that courts must release to adopted adults on request.

d) Information that adoption agencies may release to adopted adults, birth parents and others.

However, these provisions will only apply to adoptions that take place after the Act was implemented.

An adopted adult can apply to the appropriate adoption agency for 'protected information' about a person involved in an adoption, such as the adopted person, his birth parents or the adoption social worker.

'Protected information' is defined as any identifying information sought by someone other than the person it is about. It would include names, residential, educational and employment addresses, case records, legal and medical information as well as photographs and audio-visual material. It also includes any information held by an adoption agency which, was obtained by the Register General or any other information that would enable an adopted person to obtain a certified copy of his birth record or any information about an entry in the Adoption Contact Register about the adopted person.

Adoption agencies have a discretion to disclose information, which is not 'protected information', to an adult adopter or other persons including the birth parents
e.g. background information about the child's progress.

An adoption agency, which discloses information in contravention of the Act commits a criminal offence and will be liable on conviction to a fine.

The Act also enables the High Court to order, in exceptional circumstances, that an adoption agency withholds information which might otherwise enable the adopted adult to obtain a certified copy of his/her birth record.

The adoption agency is to become the single point of access to identifying information as it is believed that they are the bodies best placed to provide the support and counselling needed.

For adoptions that took place before the Act came into force, provisions are made to allow the Secretary of State to introduce measures which would allow adoption support agencies to provide intermediary services to assist adopted adults to obtain information about their adoption and facilitate contact between them and their birth relatives.

What Is A Placement Order?

This is a court order authorising a Local authority to place a child for adoption with prospective adopters where the child is in care or likely to be taken into care, or has no parent or guardian. If there is a parent or guardian of the child they must have consented to the child being placed for adoption, unless the court is satisfied that their consent should be dispensed with because it would be in the welfare of the child to do so.

Placement orders can be revoked on the application of any person, but if that person is not a local authority or the child themselves, the permission of the court is required to make the application and the child must not have been placed for adoption by the local authority.

Once a Placement Order is made parental responsibility for that child will pass to the local authority until the child is placed with the prospective adopters at which time parental responsibility will pass to them.

Any parent or guardian or relative who wishes to have contact to the child can only do so by applying for a contact order under the Act.

What Are The Adopted Children Register And The Adoption Contact Register?

The Adopted Children Register is to be a register of adoptions taking place in England & Wales and will be kept in the General Register Office, but the Register itself is not open to public inspection or search. However, the index of the Register is available for inspection and anyone can apply on payment of a fee for a certified copy of an entry in the register relating to a child who has reached 18.

An adopted person can apply to obtain a copy of their birth certificate but the Local Authority must make the application.

The Adopted Contact Register is also a register to be kept at the General register office and again the register itself is not available for public inspection and search but it is possible to apply for certified copies of entries in the register.

The register will contain information about adopted persons who have given notice expressing a wish to make contact with their relatives and who have reached 18.

What Are The New Provisions On Overseas Adoption?

The Act allows arrangements to be put in place for the recognition in England and Wales of overseas adoption (known as 'inter-country adoptions'). The UK has recently ratified (put into effect) the 1993 'Hague Convention on the Protection of Children and Co-operation in respect of Inter-Country Adoption' (The Convention). This provides for:

Establishing safeguards to ensure that inter-country adoptions take place in the best interests of the child.

Establishing a system of co-operation between countries who have signed the Convention to prevent the abduction, sale or traffic in children.

To recognise inter-country adoptions in the countries who have signed the Convention (see www.hcch.net for a full list of those countries).

The countries that have signed the Convention must ensure, amongst other things:

That any child from their country is adoptable.

Consider whether they should be placed with adoptive parents within their country.

Consider whether adoption overseas is in the child's best interests.

Ensure that any consent by the natural parents has been given freely and that they understand the effect of their consent.

Ensure that no payment has been made to obtain the consent and that the mother has given consent after the birth of the child.

The authorities in the country where the child is to be brought must ensure that the prospective adopters are eligible and suitable to adopt, that they have consented and that the child is authorised to enter and live permanently in that country.

No unsupervised contact is to take place between the prospective adopters and the natural parents until the above requirements have been met. This is to avoid the natural parents being pressurised by the prospective adopters.

To apply for overseas adoption, applicants must first apply to the central authority in the State in which they reside who will decide if they are eligible and suitable to adopt (This is the Department for Children, Schools and Families). The central authority will then prepare a report for the State where the child resides which will set out the family, medical and social background of the applicants and their ability to undertake an inter-country adoption. The report will also set out the characteristics of the type of child the applicants could care for (in the UK this report will usually be undertaken by a Local Authority or an accredited adoption society).

The State in which the child resides must then prepare a report about:

The child's adoptability

Family and social background of the child

Whether the child has any special needs

Whether any consent to adoption has been given freely and

Whether the adoption is in the best interests of the child.

Once these requirements are satisfied a child can be transferred to the State where the prospective adopters reside to allow the legal adoption process to take place. In the UK the adoption must then be registered at the Office of the Registrar General for England and Wales. An application can be made for the child to receive citizenship from the date of adoption.

It is an offence for parents or prospective adopters to advertise their wish to adopt or for anyone other than an adoption agency to advertise and arrange adoptions. The penalty for this offence is 3 months imprisonment and/or a fine of £5,000.

Those who illegally bring a child into the UK to adopt will face a 12-month prison sentence and/or an unlimited fine.

What Is A Special Guardianship?

This is a guardian who has been appointed by the court in adoption proceedings or in any family proceedings where a question arises with respect to the welfare of the child. The Special Guardian then acquires parental responsibility for the child and can usually exercise parental responsibility to the exclusion of any other person with parental responsibility, (apart from another Special Guardian).

A Special Guardian must be over 18 and must not be the parent of the child.

Those who can apply to be Special Guardians are:

a) Any guardian of the child

b) A person in whose favour a residence order has been made

c) A local authority foster parent with whom the child has lived for at least one year

d) Any person who the child has lived with for at least 3 years

e) Any person who has the consent of someone with a residence order or parental responsibility for the child, or local authority (if a care order has been made) to apply.

What Support Services Must Local Authorities Provide?

All Local Authorities must provide as a minimum, the following adoption services:

a) Counselling, advice and information

b) Financial support

c) Support groups for adoptive families

d) Assistance with contact arrangements between adopted children and their birth relatives

e) Therapeutic services for adopted children

f) Help to ensure the continuance of adoptive relationships

g) Provision of an adoptive support services advisor and adoption support plans for adoptive families

h) Providing an assessment of the needs of adopted children and their families for adoption support services.

What Are The Changes That The Act Makes To The Children Act 1989?

1. A father who is registered on a child's birth certificate will acquire parental responsibility. (This only applies to births registered on or after 1st December 2003).

2. A step-parent can acquire parental responsibility if both the natural parents enter into an agreement with the step-parent to give the step-parent parental responsibility or if the court makes an order on the step-parent applying for parental responsibility.

3. The restriction on foster parents making applications for residence, contact parental responsibility orders etc unless the child has been with them for 3 years has now been reduced to one year.

4. The meaning of "harm" for the purposes of care and supervision orders has now been extended to include the child suffering impairment due to 'seeing or hearing the ill-treatment of another' (e.g. domestic violence involving the parents).

5. Residence orders made in favour of any person who is not a parent or guardian of the child can continue in force until the child reaches eighteen.

607

Articles / The plight of the illegally adopted highlighted by Irish filmmaker

« on: March 23, 2020, 08:52:54 PM »

https://www.irishcentral.com/news/irishvoice/irish-documentary-illegal-adoptions

The plight of the illegally adopted highlighted by Irish filmmaker
Cahir O'Doherty
@randomirish Jul 16, 2018

What if you discovered, after decades of family birthdays, anniversaries and holidays, that your mother and father were not your real parents?

How would you feel to learn you had in fact been illegally adopted?

Documentary film director Sharon Lawless has profiled the lives of Irish people who have made just that shocking discovery in a celebrated series on TV3. Now she talks about her desire to hear from Irish participants who were trafficked here or who have legal documentation showing their adoptive parents as their natural parents, for a new feature-length documentary.  Here's how illegal adoption worked in Ireland for decades. An unwed and expectant mother's family paid to have her child delivered in secret. This was done to protect her reputation and to prevent her parents from being publicly shamed.  Then the infant was quickly presented to a new set of unvetted and frequently unqualified parents, who often could not adopt through more traditional channels, and who often paid handsomely to illegally adopt the child that had just been delivered.  Then all of the people who facilitated and drafted the legal papers to complete the transfer of the child to its new parents took their cut. Doctors, midwives, solicitors, politicians and more. Illegal adoption was a lucrative cottage industry in Ireland for decades, and so vast sums of money were made by profiting off the illegal trafficking of children and all the human misery that surrounded it.  Documentary film director and producer Sharon Lawless has studied the system carefully and her TV3 series and book "Adoption Stories" tells their lamentable stories through the firsthand testimony of those who lived it.  “It's great that illegal adoption is finally getting a bit of attention now,” she tells IrishCentral. “But it's frustrating that it's only happening years after we started talking about it. Many of the people I interviewed in my series had gone to the various Irish authorities in search of their relatives for decades and were just told to go away, that they had no rights or they were just ignored. They wondered what it would take to get justice.”

One of Lawless' documentary subjects, a fiercely determined mother named Tressa Donnelly Reeves (whose case is currently before the Irish High Court) started looking for her son and asking questions about what happened to him from the Irish authorities in the early 1970s, over a decade after she had surrendered him for adoption on the orders of her parents.  First, the Irish adoption agency gaslighted her, telling her “she must have imagined” having a baby at all because they didn't have a file on her. Then they told her he must have been sent to the United States. There was no record of what has happened to him, she was told. For decades every trail she ever pursued went cold, facing one official stone wall after another.  Finally, in the late 1990s, she was told that he had been illegally adopted and that no records remained. Another decade went by and then in the summer of 2012, after filming with Lawless for her TV series, she received a phone call from a source (the case is currently in the courts, so the information is privileged) that allowed her to finally make contact with her son, who was now in his late 40's, after almost fifty years of flat denials.  Reeves son wasn't in America she discovered. He wasn't even in England. It turned out he lived in County Carlow. In fact, most of the people Lawless has interviewed for her series were cases of children born to single mothers and still residing in Ireland, who were not aware of their own adoption situation, or the truth of their own lives.  Reeves son was reportedly devastated by the news. “He didn't know how to feel about it and he still doesn't,” Lawless says. “He grew up with parents who weren't his parents. He didn't have a happy upbringing. He was very severely physically abused by his father and he left their home as soon as he could.”

“He's trying to come to terms with the fact that he lives this life he didn't have to live. Yes, he was given up for adoption and his mother had signed the forms, but he was supposed to be legally adopted. His parents should have been assessed by the Health Board. Obviously, his adoptive father would not have passed that assessment and perhaps that's why they went the illegal way.”

In 1960 it was almost as shameful to be married and not have children as it was to be unmarried and have a child, Lawless says, the social pressure on couples was enormous.  “In a lot of illegal adoption cases, it was all down to money. A doctor, a midwife, a social worker, a solicitor, a judge, a politician, a little network of well-connected people who would all look after each other, operating out of private nursing homes and they made a fortune.”

Reeves son was 52 when the news came. He learned he had been handed over as a newborn. His birth cert had been forged. His younger brother had also been illegally adopted, and again his papers had been forged. “At this stage of his life to find out he had a natural mother who had been looking for him for decades (and four half-sisters) hit him hard.”

“I have covered four or five stories of illegal adoptions in Ireland, but there are thousands of cases where the same thing happened there and the child wasn't told. The authorities would have known and done nothing about it. Even in more recent years until 2012 Tressa was still on to the adoption authorities and Irish government ministers and no one would do anything for her. It was the threat of a TV show going out that changed the story.”

Everyone knows about the banished babies that went to America. They have been documented in the Philomena story and film, for example. But illegal adoptions cases are completely different because these mothers thought their children would be adopted, not simply given away.  How was this permitted to go on for so long?

Why did no one speak out to prevent it?

The social and religious atmosphere of the times certainly contributed, but since it was also so profitable, for so many, for so long, cash had to be a factor.  Lamentably, children are being separated from their parents and shipped thousands of miles away with little to no record keeping by the Trump administration in 2018, another jolting reminder of just how easy it is for all this industry to start up again.  This week it was reported that Bethany Christian Services, an adoption center with financial ties to Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, took in 81 undocumented children who were forcibly separated from their parents.  Most of the kids have had no contact with their families and many have no records. Bethany is reportedly charging $700 per child per night to house each child. Again, the money involved is astronomical.  “It's a huge business,” says Lawless. “Much as I want to highlight what went on in the past in Ireland, it is still going on today under different guises,” Lawless says. “I want to look at the industry worldwide. I know there are people who are discovering now that their parents are not their real parents. I want to hear from them. I want to take this to Netflicks. These stories need to be told.”

608

Articles / Adopted daughter reveals a 15-year secret relationship with birth mother

« on: March 23, 2020, 08:36:06 PM »

https://www.irishcentral.com/culture/adopted-daughter-secret-relationship-birth-mother

Adopted daughter reveals a 15-year secret relationship with birth mother
IrishCentral Staff
@IrishCentral Mar 19, 2020

A secret adoption, a secret meeting, a secret mother: One Irish woman tells of the meeting with her birth mother she would be forced to keep a secret for over a decade.   In her memoir "An Affair With My Mother," Caitriona Palmer describes how for over a decade she would have clandestine meetings with her birth mother, who was too afraid to reveal her daughter’s existence.  At first, Palmer, 43, from Dublin, Ireland, went along with keeping the relationship a secret because she was so happy to finally be reunited with her mother.  Palmer, a mother-of-three, who was living abroad at the time of the reunion, told the Daily Mail: "I was coming over to Ireland to meet her, which enhanced the furtiveness of the affair.  It was a very exciting time, like being in the first flush of love. I think we were both in love."

Fifteen years after their first meeting, Palmer’s birth mother, whose name she has changed to Sarah in the book to protect her privacy, is still unwilling to bring the relationship out into the open.  Palmer remembers when she first found out she was adopted.  "I remember that moment very vividly. I can almost reach out and touch the memory," she said.

"I always had an inkling I was special. My parents always told me that. I was officially told I was adopted on my sixth birthday.  We were making the bed and my mother said she had something to tell me. We sat down on the bed and she reminded me it was my birthday and said she needed me to remember someone very special who was my birth mother.  Her exact words were: 'We chose you especially to come and live with us, but before you were born another mammy carried you in her tummy.'  She wanted me to remember this woman on my birthday and always pray for her. It came as a real shock to be told I was not of my parents.  I was very intensely upset and wanted to cry, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I suppressed my emotions at that moment.  But from that day on I would say I was grieving and I felt incomplete. I felt there was a missing part of me, and it formed my identity."

She continued to suppress her feelings as she got older.  "I was one of these immensely positive and cheerful people," she recalled.

"I spoke about being adopted frequently and maintained that it didn't affect me.  In my early 20s, living abroad, I felt a greater sense of loss. At 24 I started making tentative steps towards the contact, but I pulled back.  At 27 I was living in Bosnia working with an NGO exhuming mass graves. I was surrounded by dead bodies and grieving relatives. Now it seems silly but the 'aha moment' occurred there.   I am careful not to equate what I was feeling with what these families were going through, but watching them trying to find their missing relatives made me realize I had to find that missing part of my DNA and that life is incredibly short."

In 1999, Palmer tracked down her birth mother through a Dublin-based agency.  "It allowed us to exchange letters and get to know each other," she said.

In her book, she writes of their first meeting.  "I can remember still, with great clarity, the terror of meeting, Sarah, for the first time nausea, scanning the room for a wastebasket in case my stomach failed me, the sound of her footsteps as she approached the door.  I remember, too, the intensity of our embrace, the cloying scent of her perfume, the softness of her velvety cheek, the scratchiness of her fake fur against my face.  My first impression was that the coat made her look cheap, nothing like the goddess who had dominated my dreams. I smiled and soothed her tears. As I held her trembling frame, I felt like the parent in the room."

She recalled: "I was totally numb and in shock. The bonding came later for me."

Palmer learned that her mother was from a small town in Ireland where she was working as a teacher. Her boyfriend offered no support when she became pregnant. At the time, there was still a huge stigma surrounding unmarried mothers. Sarah gave up her job and fled to Dublin where a Catholic agency put her up in the home of a young married couple. Caitriona was born in April 1972, and two days later, she was given to a baby home in Dublin.  4Sarah returned home and never told anyone, not even the man she would marry or their children, about the child she gave up for adoption.  "For Sarah, the secret was now so toxic, so enormous and all-encompassing that revealing it threatened to destroy her world."

Palmer said her birth mother was terrified that her husband would desert her and that their children would shun her.  "At our second meeting, she asked that I co-operate in hiding my existence temporarily from her family. I was eager to please and afraid of losing Sarah, so I agreed."

Palmer had imagined a different scenario.  "I imagined a whole family grieving my loss and a reunion with aunts and uncles and everyone celebrating my return.   I imagined two worst-case scenarios that she was dead or that she wouldn't want to meet me. I never considered that she had kept me a secret."

Palmer traveled home two or three times a year to see her mother; they communicated through letters in the meantime.  "We would meet at the Westbury [Hotel], in the center of Dublin. In previous years, for a birthday treat, I had taken my adopted mother to the hotel for afternoon tea.  Now, in what felt like an act of treachery, I began arranging assignations there with my other mother. It felt like I was having an affair.  It may seem peculiar or creepy to compare my relationship with my birth mother to an extramarital affair, but it is the only analogy that works. In my mind, Sarah was the married lover, I was her compliant mistress.  She was very clear about what the rules were. I could not call her at home. I didn't even have her address. I relied on a social worker to pass the letters on to her.  She would call me from a payphone and I could hear the traffic outside and the coins dropping in.  Everyone on my side knew about her. Everyone thought it was the most unusual thing they had ever heard."

Palmer said she started to feel angry, but she kept her feelings hidden from her mother.  "Primarily, I did not want to lose her. And it's not in my nature to be demanding or confrontational. I've never been good at standing up for myself.  So I was massively deferential to her and kept assuring her it was not a problem. But my patience started to run out when I had children.  If I was not good enough to be brought out into the open then surely they would dilute the secret. But that did not happen."

Palmer advised her mother to see a therapist to deal with the issues that were preventing her from acknowledging her daughter.  The briefly cut off contact for a while, but then Sarah experienced a family crisis and Palmer wanted to support her so they resumed the relationship.  Palmer said she wanted another way to keep in touch, so Sarah agreed they could exchange emails and text.  When she asked her permission to write the book, Sarah agreed as long as she wasn't identified.  "After I got the book deal she was very supportive and we kept texting. But the last time I heard from her was Christmas 2014.  I've been sending texts since then, but she doesn't reply. We never had an argument, but I think it's terribly difficult for her.  I don't think her silence is malicious. I just think she is terrified. It makes this part of telling the story terribly difficult. I don't want to hurt her. I see the book as a love letter to her.  I  believe in love and compassion. My dad read my book and wrote me an email about how proud they were and how compassionate it was."

Palmer believes Sarah’s fear is a result of the way unmarried mothers were treated in Ireland and the shame and stigma surrounding it.  "They were punished for falling pregnant outside of marriage. I believe her actions are a result. Even now, she fears she will lose everything."

Palmer still has hopes that one day she will be reunited with her mother and that she will no longer be a secret.  "I always hope for that," she revealed. "I believe in maternal love and the bottomless depths. I remain optimistic, but I have to move forward with my life.  I needed to get this story down on paper. I've never felt a compulsion like it. Now I've done it I hope I can move forward and be the best mother I can be and hope she comes around."

609

Articles / I gave back my adopted baby

« on: March 22, 2020, 07:27:57 PM »

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/nov/21/adoption-anita-tedaldi

I gave back my adopted baby
With a family of girls, Anita Tedaldi was keen to adopt a little boy. But little did she ever imagine that it might not work out

The first time I considered giving up my baby, Dan, I was lying alone in bed. It was midnight, my children were asleep and my husband, a serviceman, was deployed away from home. I was so taken aback by my thoughts that I sat bolt upright, ran to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. It was dark, but I could see my silhouette in the mirror and I stared to see if I was looking at a demon instead of Dan's mother.  I ran to Dan's room, afraid that he was already gone. But he was there, lying on his Thomas the Tank Engine sheets, sucking his thumb and breathing evenly. I caressed his cheek with two fingers and he exhaled. "I love you, little man," I whispered and kissed his forehead, swallowing down the knot in my throat.

I went back to my room and sobbed into my pillow.  Dan was my adopted son. He's a little boy from South America who became part of my family several months before that frightening night. He arrived through Miami international airport on a Monday afternoon and I was so anxious that on my six-hour drive to pick him up, I dug my nails into the steering wheel leaving marks I can still see today. I couldn't contain my excitement.  I had wanted to adopt for a long time, even before I met my husband or had my biological daughters. I've always wanted a large family, like the one I grew up within Italy, and I love the chaos and liveliness of many kids.  I did lots of research on adoption, including attachment issues, and went through a thorough screening process with social workers. We were approved and began the long wait for a referral. When they told us about Dan, I was ecstatic and convinced that I'd be able to parent this little boy, the same way I had done with my biological daughters.  Our paediatrician diagnosed our son, when he arrived in the US, with some expected health problems and developmental delays. His age was not certain he had been found by the side of a road but the doctor estimated he was a little younger than one year. Dan lacked strength in his legs and had a completely flat head, from lying in a cot so many hours a day.  But the physical or developmental issues weren't the real problem. Five or six months after his arrival, I knew that Dan wasn't attaching. We had expected his indifference towards my husband, who was deployed away from home for most of this time, but I worried that our son should have been closer to his sisters, and especially to me.  But Dan's attachment problems were only half the story. I also knew that I had issues bonding with him. I was attentive and provided Dan with a good home, but I wasn't connecting with him on the visceral level I experienced with my biological daughters. And while it was easy, and reassuring, to talk to all these experts about Dan's issues, it was terrifying to look at my own. I had never once considered the possibility that I'd view an adopted child any differently than my biological children. The realisation that I didn't feel for Dan the same way I felt for my own flesh and blood shook the foundations of who I thought I was.

I sought help and we had some attachment therapy to strengthen our relationship, but still, I struggled. One day I was on the phone with Jennifer, our social worker when suddenly I blurted out that I couldn't parent Dan, that things were too hard.  As soon as I said these words out loud, a flood of emotions washed over me, and I sobbed. Jennifer didn't say anything, she waited patiently, and when I had nothing left, she asked me to start from the beginning. We talked about my family; about the problems my husband and I were having with Dan and, as a result, with each other; about the girls and their partial indifference toward Dan; and about some of my son's specific challenges.

For the next several weeks, Jennifer and I spoke daily. She mostly listened and told me to focus on Dan's future and wellbeing above everything else.  My thoughts and emotions were disjointed. One moment I was determined to keep Dan because I loved him. An instant later, I realised that I wasn't the parent I know I can be and that I should place Dan with a better family, with a better mother.  As I wrestled with these demons, things remained very tense; whenever my husband was home we fought incessantly. Then early one morning Jennifer called and told me that she had found a great family for Dan. They had seen his pictures, heard his story and fallen in love with him. The mother, Samantha, was a psychologist, and the family had adopted another boy with similar issues a couple of years before.  I spoke to Samantha and her husband a few times on the phone and instantly felt comfortable with them. We decided that she should come down to meet Dan by herself, to ease the transition. The decision was final. Less than two years after he arrived, Dan would leave my home.

While waiting for Samantha to arrive, Jennifer helped me to talk to my kids, and other family members, but most importantly she held my hand when it came to speaking with my son. I explained to him that he'd be joining his new family and that we loved him very much that he had done nothing wrong. I don't know how much he understood.  For my first meeting with Dan's new mum, I was a wreck. I dressed him in one of his cutest outfits, strapped him into the car seat and took off to meet Samantha at a nearby McDonald's. The ride was short, but each time I approached a traffic light, grief assailed me, and I turned around, determined to head back home. The five-minute trip turned to a 30-minute journey, and when I finally made it to the car park, I was frazzled. My hands were shaking and my mouth was dry. Samantha recognised us as soon as we got out of the car, and rushed over. Her eyes lit up the moment she approached Dan, and she lowered herself to his height to hug him.  Over the next few days, Samantha and Dan got to know each other. Finally, it was time for him to leave with her. That morning, I awkwardly let her into the house and willed time to stop. Hands shaking, I handed her Dan's bag and some of his favourite toys. My daughters were watching SpongeBob SquarePants and said goodbye to their brother almost nonchalantly as if he was just going out for a bit and would soon be back.  I opened the front door of my home in slow motion. It felt heavy and my feet stayed glued to the ground. Samantha told me she would give me a few minutes alone with Dan and walked to her car. I knelt and pulled Dan close, desperate to impress an indelible memory of my son on me, and me on him, inhaling his scent, feeling his soft skin and touching his hair. In our last moments together, I stared into his eyes and told him I loved him and that I had tried to do my best.  His new mum would love him so, so much; my little man would be OK.  He didn't cry, he stared back at me, then looked to Samantha and asked for more juice. I was too overwhelmed to utter another word, but Samantha squeezed my hand and reassured me that Dan would know I had loved him and that I had done a good job.

Over the next few weeks I felt a mix of emotions – desperation, relief, sadness, guilt, shame, and acceptance. After a couple of months at Samantha's home, I learned that Dan was doing well and adjusting to his new life. He was struggling with some issues, but I know that Samantha and her husband are the best parents Dan could possibly have. The fact that he also has a sibling who has dealt with similar issues has made the transition easier.

My husband had originally asked me not to write about Dan, because I would only open myself up to criticism. But I wrote this because Dan taught me a lot about myself and about parenting and because I hope that by sharing this experience others can feel less alone in their failures. I have more compassion for the mistakes we make as parents and I'm far less willing to point the finger at others' difficulties.  I don't have anything left from Dan's time with us. Samantha didn't want Dan's clothes I think she preferred to make a fresh start, so I donated everything to the Salvation Army. We don't have Dan's pictures around because my husband thought it would be too difficult, but in my wallet, I carry a small close-up photo of his face. When I think about him, I take it out and look into his big, dark eyes as a deep, endless sadness fills my heart.  Thank you, little Dan, for all that you have been to me, to us. Despite my failures, I loved you the best way I could, and I'll never forget you.

Postscript This account first appeared on a blog several months ago. Since then my family has come under intense public scrutiny in the US, where we live. I knew there would be a lot of criticism, but my intention was to share a very personal experience. I don't mind the criticism, but I have been surprised by the degree of hatred displayed towards me and my family. Some readers have made fun of my children's looks.  There have been many positive comments, too, and I'm thankful to the many families who shared their own painful stories with me.  I do not regret writing about Dan. I shared this experience because when I saw my own shortcomings, I was humbled. We all struggle with our weaknesses, too often alone.  Dan's name and some other details have been changed to protect his identity. Anita Tedaldi's blog is at ovolina.com

When love is not enough

The British Association of Adoption and Fostering (BAAF) estimates that one in five adoptions break down, although children who are "handed back" are usually older. The younger the child, the lower the chance of the placement breaking down. A study by the Maudsley Hospital in London found a breakdown rate of 8% after one year and 29% six years later. On average, adoptions that broke down did so 34 months after placement.  Despite the negative publicity that overseas adoption has attracted in recent years, there is no evidence that they are more likely to break down than domestic placements. Many studies have concluded that international adoption has, for the most part, been very successful, including for children who have spent their early years in institutions.  Children placed in stable, loving families, show a great capacity for a catch-up although a great deal depends on support from the wider family and adoption specialists, and the extent to which the adopters mix with other people from the country they adopted from.  The sad fact is that in many states of America, where Dan was adopted, this combination is less likely to be recognised as essential, despite the fact that overseas adoption tends to be far easier than it is here. Also undoubtedly contributing to Dan's adoption breakdown is the fact that for a minority of the most deprived children, major problems, especially in the area of attachment, do not go away, regardless of how much help, support, stability and indeed love, is provided. Kate Hilpern

• This article was amended on Monday 23 November 2009. A sub-heading on the original suggested that when the author adopted a baby boy, she already had all her five daughters. This has been corrected.