https://mariedolfi.com/adoption-educational/genetic-sexual-attraction-in-adoption-reunion-relationships/Genetic Sexual Attraction In Adoption Reunion Relationships
Adoption Educational, Adoption Resource
Genetic Sexual Attraction Phenomenon Explained for Adoption Reunion Relationships
This article on the genetic sexual attraction phenomenon includes genetic sexual attraction information, an explanation of the reasons genetic sexual attraction occurs, genetic sexual attraction research, and suggestions for how to not act on genetic sexual attraction impulses. While this article focuses on genetic sexual attraction in adoption reunion relationships, information on the genetic sexual attraction in this article may also apply to other types of relationships.
What is Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA)?
The genetic sexual attraction phenomenon was first coined by Barbara Gonyo[1] (a birth mother who experienced GSA with her son she placed for adoption) after she heard a female adoptee talk about a genetic sexual attraction to her birth brother. There is no universally used definition of genetic sexual attraction.
For this article, the definition of Genetic Sexual Attraction is a visceral erotic feeling an individual has in reaction to a new contact with a relative where there was no contact between the two while one of the individuals was growing up.
The use of visceral is intentional because the emotional brain[2] (limbic system, thalamus, hippocampus, amygdala, hypothalamus) is triggered which causes the GSA reaction. The GSA reaction can be a sensual thought, a sensual physical reaction, or a desire to have sexual contact with the relative. Individuals who experience genetic sexual attraction thoughts or physical sensations are usually surprised by their experience. Most individuals would say it is not a reaction they wanted to happen. When relatives meet, one relative can have a GSA reaction and the other has no GSA reaction, or it can be mutual. In addition to reports of genetic sexual attraction between adoptees and their birth parents – birth siblings, birth cousins, and second cousins have also reported GSA experiences. Individuals have shared that they have had a genetic sexual attraction to a relative that is not of their sexual orientation. It is common for individuals to describe their GSA thoughts as being enormously powerful making it difficult to resist acting on their GSA urges. At times, it can be a paradox of feeling a need to be sexually intimate and being repulsed by their sexual desires. Some believe that genetic sexual attraction is at the end of a continuum of genetic attraction when there is an obsession for contact that occurs in adoption reunion relationships. There is no genetic sexual attraction research that is informative on whether GSA thoughts/physical responses can happen with or without an obsessive component of needing contact with the newly reunited relative. While this article will focus on genetic sexual attraction in adoption reunion relationships, genetic sexual attraction is not unique to adoption reunion relationships. A search on the Internet of genetic sexual attractions reveals stories of parents who reunited with their adult children they did not raise as well as reunions between donor-conceived individuals reuniting with their birth relatives.
The acknowledgment of Genetic Sexual Attraction as a real phenomenon is controversial. Some critics of GSA believe GSA is incest and referring to GSA as something else is wrong. One of the main faults with this conjecture is that most individuals who are experiencing GSA are having an erotic reaction and are not acting on their GSA urges. While some individual’s behaviors with their relatives do meet the legal criteria for incest, most of the time genetic sexual attraction in adoption reunion relationships does not meet the legal definition of incest. Any sexual contact between an adult and a minor is sexual abuse and is a crime. A distinction also needs to be made between participation and consent when sexual contact occurs. Other critics say genetic sexual attraction is not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders so it cannot be a real mental health condition like depression, addiction, paranoid personality, or autism spectrum disorder. The reason GSA is not in the DSM-5 is that GSA is not a mental health disorder. The genetic sexual attraction is a physiological and psychological response to meeting a relative that an individual was not raised with. It is extremely important to acknowledge GSA as a real phenomenon, talk about why it happens, and what can be done so reunited relatives are less likely to act on their impulses. This article was written because of the need to provide genetic sexual attraction information for individuals experiencing genetic sexual attraction and the mental health professionals working with them.
Why Does Genetic Sexual Attraction Occur?
Unfortunately, there is no research on why genetic sexual attraction occurs, how often GSA occurs in adoption reunions[3] [4], and how to help individuals from acting on their GSA urges. Thus, this article will synthesize stories of genetic sexual attraction with theories on bonding, attachment, relinquishment trauma, the mechanics of the human brain, and the science of adults falling in love in an effort to explain why genetic sexual attraction occurs.
Some in the adoption community propose that GSA thoughts like “an urge to suckle on her breast” are not sexual thoughts but a desire to have the newborn-parent interactions resume. While some of the GSA thoughts/urges are similar to infant and parent interactions (adoptee reports urge to sit on a birth parent’s lap, snuggling), many GSA responses are not behaviors that are common to the parent-child attachment. Examples include sexual dreams of relatives and the AdopteesOn Episode 94[5] Sophia, a lesbian, described a preoccupation to have her birth father’s child. Additionally, this does not explain the genetic sexual attraction between siblings, cousins, and the genetic sexual attraction to a relative that is of a different sexual orientation than an individual’s past sexual preferences. Thus, genetic sexual attraction information should include a discussion of the Westermarck Effect, relinquishment trauma, the science of brain functioning that has experienced trauma, and the science of adults falling in love may help to explain more accurately why genetic sexual attraction occurs.
In 1894 a Finnish anthropologist Edvard Westermarck[6] proposed a reverse sexual imprinting for individuals who lived in close domestic proximity during the first few years of their lives would become desensitized to feeling sexual attraction. This reverse sexual imprinting is referred to as the Westermarck Effect and has been supported in numerous anthropological research studies[7]. When an adoptee and birth family have been separated for years, there has been no opportunity for the Westermarck Effect to happen. At the time of an adoptee’s infancy common infant interactions (smelling hair, cuddling, hand-holding, embraces, affectionate statements “I love you so much”) never had the opportunity to be coded by the human brain as family attachment between adoptee and birth relatives. When meeting later in life, the brains of adoptees and birth relatives do not recognize these behaviors as family attachments. Thus, without the Westermarck Effect, these interactions are being coded by the brain as adult experiences of falling in love.
Implicit memories are triggered in adoption reunions.
An understanding of implicit memories being triggered during close physical contact between relatives may help to explain what happens to the human brain during adoption reunions. It is reasonable to believe that adoptees have implicit memories of their first mother’s voice (and the voices of relatives that were around the first mother) during the pregnancy[8]. There is also research on similar olfactory signatures of close kin where relatives can recognize the scent of their relatives[9]. When the emotional brain is triggered by implicit memories it reacts faster than the logical prefrontal cortex of the brain[10]. These two examples of implicit memories being triggered combined with the implicit memories of relinquishment trauma[11], coupled with no Westermarck Effect could lead to a strong genetic sexual attraction.
The research on trauma clearly illustrates how trauma impacts brain functioning[13]. A brain that has experienced trauma frequently goes back in time to the time the trauma[14] (relinquishment trauma) occurred when triggered. Birth mothers and adoptees have shared at the time of reunion they felt a need to resume the symbiotic relationship that abruptly stopped at relinquishment. If the birth parents were in a loving relationship at the time of the birth, an adoptee with a strong resemblance to a birth parent could remind the other birth parent of that special love. For adopted persons and their extended birth family members going back in time emotionally could trigger the falling in love between the newborn and birth family members. It is not unusual to hear adoptees in initial reunions to share it felt like they were welcomed like a new baby into the birth family.
“I liked the feeling of her against me…what I wanted from my mum because I never belonged anywhere” what a female adopted person (married to a man) said about her birth sister. This incidence shared in a research article by Greenberg and Littlewood[12] went from a need for physical closeness, kissing, to genital contact which appears to have started with a need to resume the bonding with a birth relative that abruptly stopped at the adoptee’s birth.
Understanding the Genetic Sexual Attraction Phenomenon in the Context of Adults Falling in Love
The brain chemistry of falling in love is key to the discussion of why genetic sexual attraction occurs. It is especially helpful to explain GSA in non-parent-child relationships when the relative did not have relinquishment trauma i.e. siblings, cousins. When humans fall in love, this is what happens to their brain[17],[18]:
Dopamine the feel-good neurotransmitter is released. If an individual was depressed before meeting their relative, the reunion relationships emotional high could make the individual feel joy like they have not experienced in years.
Cortisol increases – which is the heart-racing feeling of passion when falling in love.
When serotonin decreases it causes a preoccupation of thoughts resulting in infatuation,
Oxytocin and vasopressin are released. These two hormones are the same hormones associated with mother-child attachment and the pleasure high that comes after sex. The key here is that without the Westermarck Effect, the brain is seeing the newly reunited relative not as a family member to bond with but as sexual attraction.
Neural pathways for critical assessment become less responsive. Thus, the brain is less likely to focus on the negatives of the genetic sexual attraction- the impact on other family relationships if GSA is acted upon, the low probability that a long-term sexual relationship with their relative is workable, the shame they will feel for acting on GSA, and other negative consequences.
The reward section of the brain is active. Lessons from how addiction hijacks the reward systems of the brain[19] can be one more thing to help explain the disconnect between the brain’s coding the relationship with the relative as sexual rather than family. Individuals with intrusive thoughts of their genetic sexual attraction, the intense desire for sexual contact, the emotional high when sexual contact occurs and, the inability to stop sexual contact often sounds like someone struggling with addiction.
For some individuals in adoption reunions, relinquishment trauma may not be the only trauma that has happened to them. The more trauma experiences, the greater the impact on the brain. Thus, in addition to no Westermarck Effect being present, the brain’s response to adults falling in love, an individual with a trauma history may have their emotional brain override the logical prefrontal cortex when triggered in a reunion. In The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk he writes “Being traumatized means continuing to organize your life as if the trauma were still going on-unchanged and immutable-as every new encounter or event is contaminated by the past”. It is not too far to conjecture, that some individuals in reunion use the “freeze” of the fight/flight/freeze response of trauma resulting in an inability to establish family boundaries due to their brain is in the freeze survival mode. For some, this results in an inability to push their relative away when they are sexually approached.
Guidance for Not Acting on Genetic Sexual Attraction
There are many reasons individuals should not act on their genetic sexual attraction.
The fallout from existing family relationships in both the adoptee’s and birth relative’s families.
The shame and low self-worth from actions that go against societal acceptable behaviors.
The likelihood that the sexual relationship between adoptee and birth relative would result in a long-term relationship is so low it is probably not worth the fallout. It is usually too difficult to maintain a relationship once sexual contact stops; resulting in individuals being more isolated than before the reunion.
Many states have laws against incest, and individuals could spend time in jail for incest.
Not acting on genetic sexual attraction is easier said than done. The first step in preventing reunion relatives from acting on genetic sexual attraction is for individuals to know about genetic sexual attraction before meeting their lost relatives. Too often, the adoption reunion discussions focus on how to find the lost relative, getting questions answers, establishing a relationship that was lost, and the adoptive parent’s reaction without any education on adoption reunion relationships which should include education on genetic sexual attraction. When individuals know about genetic sexual attraction before meeting a relative, they can choose to slow down the contact with their relative if they or their relative are displaying initial GSA urges before anyone acts on their sexual impulses.
Suggestions for not Acting on Genetic Sexual Attraction[20]
Getting to know the relative before meeting in person. This should include exchanging photos, phone calls, and video chatting.
If an obsession with the relative develops, incorporate family members in the interactions on phone calls, video chats, emails, texts, and visits. Not only are individuals more inclined to not say or do things when others are present, but the presence of family members also helps to keep the interactions as a family and not romantic.
During visits, keep a physical distance. Avoid all physical closeness -hugging and sitting close like a couple.
Using family names “my mom”, “my son”, “my brother”, “my dad”, “my sister”, “my cousin”.
Meetings in public places.
Keep focused on the goals of reunion-having a long-term relationship with the relative that is incorporated into existing family relationships.
Realize secrets tend to be exposed sooner or later.
Have someone to talk to about the genetic sexual attraction other than the relative. An adoption competent counselor should have the experience to understand complicated adoption reunion experiences.
Understand the brain chemistry of trauma, attachment disruption, falling in love, and that sexual intimacy with a relative will not fix the emotional scars or the traumatized brain. Trauma therapies are a better option for long-term healing.
Individuals should take a break from contact with their relative if they cannot slow down the sexual attraction. Educate the relative on genetic sexual attraction, relinquishment trauma, brain chemistry so they understand why the separation is needed.
Genetic Sexual Attraction for Minors and Young Adults in Adoption Reunions
Young adoptees are especially vulnerable in adoption reunion relationships. Between often finding birth family in secret due to not wanting their adoptive parents to know, less education on adoption reunion issues, and isolation from individuals who have been in reunion, young adoptees are more vulnerable to adoption reunion stress. There is also an uneven power balance with the young adoptee having less authority in a relationship with birth relatives who are older. It is imperative that the adults address the genetic sexual attraction and set firm limits/boundaries with the goal of GSA not being acted upon. There are too many incidents of adopted youth having birth relatives talk about sexual things with them and making sexual advances creating serious problems. This is nothing less than sexual abuse towards a minor.
Counseling Individuals Who Experience Genetic Sexual Attraction
Mental health professionals that work with individuals experiencing genetic sexual attraction need to be careful to not let their traditional views and judgments impact the therapeutic relationship. Adoptees and birth relatives already feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame about their genetic sexual attraction, and they need their counselor to be non-judgmental and normalize the genetic sexual attraction phenomenon. Counselors should always introduce genetic sexual attraction in the first if not the second counseling session for individuals considering or in reunion contact. Waiting until the client introduces GSA creates two issues. First, individuals should be forewarned as soon as possible to decrease the likelihood of acting on GSA urges. Secondly, the counselor should introduce GSA because the client may be too embarrassed to introduce GSA. Key to adoption reunion counseling is a discussion on genetic sexual attraction, trauma, and how brain chemistry works. If an individual cannot stop the sexual obsession with their relative, the counselor must provide a safe and non-judgmental space for their client to work on these complex adoption reunion experiences.
Discussion
A lack of research on the genetic sexual attraction phenomenon is a major obstacle to understanding genetic sexual attraction and mental health treatment options. We are only left to guess if traditional talk therapy is appropriate or if trauma therapies[21], addiction therapies, or family therapy would be in the best interest of individuals seeking treatment for their genetic sexual attraction experience. The Emotional Freedom Technique, often referred to as tapping, may be an option for adoption counseling as it works to reduce the intensity of thoughts, emotions, and memories. The need to know becomes more imperative when incidents of adoptees and birth relatives become entangled in extremely dangerous relationships[22]. It is my hope that adoption issues researchers will more closely look at genetic sexual attraction research as a topic worthy of their investigation. An additional article could be written on the business of adoption reunions and direct-to-consumer DNA tests that do not forewarn individuals about genetic sexual attraction. If we are genuinely concerned about the best interest of everyone involved in relationships with lost relatives, we need to do better with acknowledging genetic sexual attraction, its implications, and how to help individuals who are having a difficult time.
Genetic Sexual Attraction Phenomenon Training
Organizations interested in learning more about Genetic Sexual Attraction should visit the Genetic Sexual Attraction in Adoption Reunion Relationships Workshop webpage for training description and learning objectives.
Disclaimer: While it is Marie’s hope that you find the information on her website useful and informative please note- the information contained in this website is for general information purposes only. To read the entire disclaimer visit Dolfi Website Disclaimer
Genetic Sexual Attraction Research and Article Notes
[1] Gonyo, B., (1991). I’m His Mother, But He is Not My Son (Previous title: The Forbidden Love: Genetic Sexual Attraction)
[2] For a complete description of how the human brain works, the impact of trauma, and the triggering of implicit memories read van der Kolk, B., The Body Keeps the Score, 2014
[3] Trinder, L., Feast, J., Howe, D. (2004). The Adoption Reunion Handbook reported one incidence of GSA from the over 100 adoptees in their research, but they did not systematically ask all adoptees if they had a GSA reaction.
[4] Greenberg, M. (1993). Post-adoption reunion-are we entering uncharted territory? Adoption & Fostering, 17(4) states while he believes GSA is “quite common” the results of the study cannot be generalized because of how small the sample size was.
[5] Radke, H., Adoptees On, Episode 94 Sophia,
http://www.adopteeson.com/listen/s5e94sophia?rq=sophia[6] Westermarck, E. (1894). The History of Human Marriage, 1926 rev. ed. New York: Macmillian
[7] McCabe, J., (1983), FBD Marriage: Further Support for the Westermarck Hypothesis of the Incest Taboo?, American Anthropological Association, 85(1), 50-69.
[8] Paul, A. (2011, November 29). What We Learned Before We’re Born, Ted Talks
[9] Porter, R., Balogh, R., Cernoch, J., Franchi, C., (1986). Recognition of Kin Through Characteristic Body Odors, Chemical Senses, 11(3), 389-395
[10] van der Kolk, B., (2014), The Body Keeps the Score, pp. 60
[11] Relinquishment trauma is the post-traumatic stress disorder birth mothers experience from not raising their child and the developmental trauma disorder adoptees can experience from not being raised by their birth mother.
[12] Greenberg, M., Littlewood, R. (1995). Post-adoption incest and phenotypic matching: Experience, personal meanings and biosocial implication, British Journal of Medical Psychology, 68 (1), 29-43.
[13] van der Kolk, B., The Body Keeps the Score, 2014
[14] van der Kolk, B., (2002). Trauma and Memory, Psychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences, 52(S1), 52-64.
[15] Sants, H., (1964). Genealogical Bewilderment in Children with Substitute Parents, British Journal of Psychology, 37(2), 133-142
[16] For a detailed description of the unique genetic connection between adoptees and birth relatives read Synchronicity & Reunion: The Genetic Connection of Adoptees and Birthparents, LaVonne Harper Stiffler, 1992
[17] Aron, A., Fisher, H., Mashek, D.J. Strong, G., Li, H., Brown, L. L. (2005). Reward, Motivation, and Emotion Systems Associated with Early-Stage Intense Romantic Love, Journal of Neurophysiology, 94(1), 327-337.
[18] Edwards, S., Love and the Brain, The Harvard Mahoney Neuroscience Institute Letter, Harvard Medical School.
https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/love-brain[19] Kuhn, C., Wilson, W. (2005, April 1). How Addiction Hijacks Our Reward System, Dana Foundation,
https://www.netaddictionrecovery.com/how-addiction-hijacks-our-reward-system/[20] Many of the guidelines are from Cumbria County Council (2016). Genetic Sexual Attraction.
[21] Lopez, J. (2019). Live Empowered! Rewire Your Brain’s Implicit Memory to Thrive in Business, Love & Life, Lioncrest Publishing includes a discussion of trauma therapies as well as examples of implicit memories for adopted persons
[22] A very tragic story of a teenager Katie who found her birth parents and was invited to live with them. Katie’s birth parents divorced and, she married her birth father and had his child. After being arrested for incest, Katie left her birth father, Steven Pladl. Steven went to Katie’s adoptive parents’ home and killed Katie, their child, and her adoptive father. Steven Pladlthen then killed himself.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/steven-pladl-katie-pladl-murder-incest-case-details-emerge/ There are also stories of birth relatives in very dangerous relationships with their adopted child.
