https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/failed-adoptionAs someone who was adopted as a baby, I'm here to tell you that no child should be treated like an unwanted Christmas gift, no matter how much trauma we come with
“Adoption is not like pick-n-mix."
By Michele Theil
3 December 2021
arlier this week, BBC Woman’s Hour posted a clip of their interview with former BBC journalist Eleanor Bradford to talk about her experiences of adoption, and specifically about her “heartbreaking” decision to return her adopted child to care after eight years. I am an adoptee myself, who was lucky to be adopted shortly after birth and given a better life than I probably would have had elsewhere. When I saw this pop up on Twitter, I was curious, but what she said appalled me. Bradford said that she decided to give her son back into care because of his behavioural issues, which caused problems for her other son (they are biological brothers), in what is termed by professionals as a “failed adoption.” Failed adoptions do not happen often, with chief executive at the charity Adoption UK saying that “only around 3 to 4%” occur each year. But, what happens in these situations are extremely private and are usually on the recommendation of professionals who feel that a child might be better served elsewhere. It is incredibly rare that an adoptive mother would choose to “return” their child to care like an unwanted Christmas gift. She mentioned that though the family feels “an emptiness” from the absence of her son, she said it wasn’t “entirely negative” because she now could place her bag on the table. In a piece written for The Sunday Times over the weekend, Bradford explained that her son was “determined to create a chaotic environment,” and implied that he was prone to theft, thus forcing her to lock away her purse and hide the key from him. Luckily for her, she no longer has to do that! Though Bradford claims this decision was best for all involved, and has “reset” her relationship with her son, she entirely overlooked the trauma associated with this decision, compounding the feelings of abandonment he likely experienced prior to adoption. Plus, there has been a lack of consideration as to how his younger brother might feel about this. Bradford’s decision to adopt both boys was to keep them from being separated in the first place, but because one didn’t turn out perfect, the brothers were separated anyway. She wrote, “the younger one is a joy to parent: a poster boy for adoption,” which is an abhorrent way to discuss adoption. Adoption is not like pick-n-mix, you don’t get to throw away the imperfect ones. What about the long-lasting trauma for the younger child, who may feel like every little mistake could be the reason he is sent away like his brother?
I was never a ‘perfect child’, and in many respects, I certainly do not live up to some expectations that were set for me at a young age. My mum wanted me to be a lawyer, live at home in Hong Kong, and live up to the ideal of a ‘perfect Chinese daughter’. Instead, I am a journalist living in the U.K, miles away from being a ‘perfect Chinese daughter’ but this isn’t a reason for abandonment. Bradford also said: “It’s ironic that we have done so much to give those children a better life, and yet when it goes wrong, we are unsupported, and we can’t speak out.”, arguing that there is a taboo faced by people who go through “failed adoptions.”
Her rhetoric, and the framing of her situation by the BBC, suggests that she is a kind-hearted person who fell victim to the failures of the adoption and care system, with her distress being more paramount than the care deserved by her child. Centring herself in the narrative, she did not mention how her son reacted to being ‘left behind’ again, forced back into care after eight years with who he thought was his “forever family”. She adds that she “is still his mum”, and that the family stay in regular contact with him. But children, whether adopted or biological, should not be treated this way. The “stigma” that Bradford says she has faced for her decision is well and truly justified: adopted children should not be treated like a crappy gift from a distant relative, we can’t be sent back for store credit. We deserve respect and we deserve to have loving families who will support us through ups and downs, just like you would a biological child. If a biological child was acting out and exhibiting “behavioural issues,” you would likely seek counselling or behavioural adjustment therapy, perhaps send them to a new school with more structure, or a number of other solutions – you wouldn’t give them away or leave them to fend for themselves. Parents face a myriad of issues from their children, which can involve drinking, drugs, teenage pregnancy, bad grades, stealing, or anything else they may disapprove of. What they do in such situations is individual to the needs of the parent and the child, but I would bet that the majority of parents out there would stand by and support their children unconditionally, if they can, because that’s their child. Adopted children should not be treated differently when an adoptive parent signs on the dotted line agreeing to care for that child, they become yours for life. As an adoptee who definitely ticked off almost every box on the ‘difficult teenager’ checklist, I cannot be more thankful that my adoptive parents did not make the same decision as Bradford. I often stayed out all night drinking, would shoplift for the thrill, and have experimented with drugs. But, not once did they ever consider ‘sending me back’ because I was their child, for better or for worse. There are so many families in the UK who want children and I’m sure many of them would find Bradford’s decision abhorrent as they would do anything to have a child, including one that may have a disability or be neurodivergent, like her son. But, unlike most of them, she gave up on helping her child overcome the challenges that he faced. I am not the only person, nor the only adoptee who feels this way. Deputy Editor of The Face Magazine Jessica Morgan tweeted yesterday: “As someone who is adopted, I find this woman absolutely repulsive. Children are not toys, nor are they disposable like this. If you adopt a child, you do the work. Yes, we come with baggage, trauma, issues, even mental health issues and putting them back in care only hurts them more.”
There are countless more tweets and reactions to Bradford’s story, all expressing the same shock and disapproval at her son being sent back to care, as well as her choice to publicly announce it like it is something to be proud of. Adoption is a very noble prospect, and those that can give children a home are to be lauded. But, giving away your adopted child just because you couldn’t deal with them is not acceptable, and it is important to remember that adoptees are not toys, they are real people who will be devastatingly affected by these decisions. Earlier this week, BBC Woman’s Hour posted a clip of their interview with former BBC journalist Eleanor Bradford to talk about her experiences of adoption, and specifically about her “heartbreaking” decision to return her adopted child to care after eight years. I am an adoptee myself, who was lucky to be adopted shortly after birth and given a better life than I probably would have had elsewhere. When I saw this pop up on Twitter, I was curious, but what she said appalled me. Bradford said that she decided to give her son back into care because of his behavioural issues, which caused problems for her other son (they are biological brothers), in what is termed by professionals as a “failed adoption.”
