offensive

Flawed

My life ended the day I was told I couldn’t stop my son’s adoption.  Unless you have been a victim of forced (illegal) adoption you cannot begin to understand the profound feelings of loss.  It is heart-wrenching and for me, I emotionally broke down and from that day forward I mask.  I also lost my trust due to what my mother and the adoption agency did to me.  To the outside world, I was fine but inside I was an emotional wreck.  My friends used to joke I was an ice maiden towards men and kept them at arm’s length.  I vowed I would never get married or have any more children as I was so scared that I would be forced to surrender again.

I became very lonely as I was too scared to tell anybody how I was feeling nor did I understand I was severely depressed.  For too many years I was accused of being a drama queen, moody and that there were people who were far more in need of support.  In the early days, the closest my mother came to showing she cared was when I received a letter from my son’s adopters.  I broke down in tears and my mother hugged me tightly until I stopped crying.  Even then I couldn’t talk and suffered in silence.  Adoption is like an invisible amputation and every part of my body ached for and missed my son.  It was another 23 years before I could start talking about my son’s adoption.

It wasn’t until more recent years that I realised that I suffer from P.T.S.D. although I have never been formally diagnosed with suffering from it.  Doctors don’t seem to understand the trauma of forced adoption or make a connection.  My son will be 39 years old this year and I still suffer from the trauma of losing him, sadly it will be with me for the rest of my life.  I also have a history of self-harming as it was the only way to release emotional pain and I have tried overdosing over the years.

Since opening up about forced adoption I started educating people about the effect of forced adoption on mothers.  It really was tough going for the first couple of years particularly when I got the courage to state that the term birth mother is offensive.  I had never heard of the term until 2004 having joined up with adoption forums and groups.  It is a stupid term because mothers don’t just give birth they go through nine months of pregnancy.  Fathers don’t go through pregnancy or giving birth so it’s a ridiculous term to give them.  It’s also stupid to give the extended family the ‘birth’ title as they can’t collectively go through pregnancy and childbirth.  The real truth is it’s a term invented in America to make adopters feel better about themselves and came over to the U.K.  A couple of years ago I had a disagreement with a friend at bible study as she referred to herself as a birth mother.  I asked her not to as it’s offensive to mothers who have surrendered a child and why the term was created.  She really didn’t ‘get it’ and used the argument that as she had had children that made her a birth mother.  I explained why the term was invented but if all mothers had always been referred to as birth mothers it wouldn’t have bothered me.  In the end, I got so annoyed I had to walk away from the situation.  We have never talked about it since.

I am still friendly with other mothers who have surrendered babies. adoptive parents and adoptees although these days we keep in touch on Facebook.  We all still learn from each other for all sorts of reasons.

July 2020
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