family

Dwelling on the past

with the I am going through one of my dwelling too much on the past periods.  Having lockdown for a few months and now easing of lockdown rules hasn’t helped either as my concentration levels aren’t good.  It doesn’t help not sleeping very well so I’m constantly exhausted but when I go to bed I feel wide awake.

We are going away for a break soon which is a positive and I’m looking forward to seeing family.  At least it will be a happier time than last year on our last visit as we were there for our great neice’s funeral.  The family knew that she wouldn’t live because of Edward’s Syndrome although she did live for a day but it didn’t make it any easier.  This time Bandit will be with us so I am hoping he behaves himself with the children.  He likes children with my main worry being him jumping up at the younger ones unless he decides to be shy.

The latest addition, Savanna, was born on the 29th April so I am really looking forward to seeing her.  Unfortunately having too much time on my hands it’s given me time to think of my own grief not just because I didn’t raise my son, we no longer talk I will never know my grandson.  Unless a mother has gone through illegal adoption it’s impossible to understand the feelings of loss, an invisible amputation and the grief that goes with it.  When a baby dies people understand why a mother grieves, can never forget, learns to move forward and learns how to deal with the grief.  Adoption is different as the baby lives but the mother is in limbo unless there an open or semi-open adoption in place.  I was in limbo for 23 years and my way of ‘copin’ was emotionally shutting down and not talk.  Subsequently when I found my son I had to deal with my emotions.  Of course the added problem was becoming more depressed than I already was to the point of not eating, sleeping then eventually seeking professional help.

Depression and adoption

For many years I have suffered from depression – too many years – which became severe when my son was born and I emotionally broke down.  Unfortunately, I didn’t realize I suffered from depression until many years later and I was suicidal but knew I didn’t really want to die.  I believed what I was told, that I was moody, there were people far worse off than me and I didn’t have anything to be depressed about.

Even in my teens, I was prone to suicidal thoughts which I couldn’t understand and I felt guilty for my thoughts.  I didn’t have anybody I felt I could trust enough not to say anything about how I felt.  Suffering in silence isn’t worth it.

When my son was adopted life really wasn’t worth living for but wanting to kill myself was scarier to deal with.  I couldn’t trust anybody as my parents had betrayed my trust.  Instead, I put on an act so even now very few people know me 100%.  I find it hard to explain how I feel on a daily basis to anybody which is generally feeling extremely low mst of the time.

Wearing my mask

Not talking about a baby being lost to adoption is a bad idea but it was my way of coping for too many years.  When a mother loses her baby to miscarriage, stillborn, or genetic condition people can be supportive even though they don’t understand the (personal) loss.  Of course today there are different charities that offer support which is priceless.  One of our nieces and nephew-in-law lost their second child to Trisomy 18 (Edward’s Syndrome) when she was a day old.  They were well looked after by their midwife and ARC but it doesn’t make the loss any easier.  They were given a card with their daughter’s hands and feet imprints on it.   They also received a teddy bear with the name of another baby’s name on it and one day parents will receive a teddy bear with their daughter’s name on it.

When it comes to adoption people think it’s wonderful, farting unicorns and in the child’s best interests.   In reality, it isn’t and unless the child is at real risk of any type of abuse it’s better to keep the child with his or her mother/father.  If the parents die then special guardianship with the child’s family member is the next best thing otherwise with another guardian. I am not completely anti-adoption as there are other ways a child can be raised in safety and retain their name.

What people don’t understand is that when a mother is forced to let her baby be adopted it is loss and the mother suffers for the rest of her life.  Her baby is still alive but she will never raise her child.  It is a different type of loss to mothers whose babies have died but the result is the same both types of mothers never get over it and just learn to live with the loss.

I lived too many years hiding my pain as I was never offered any counselling so I put on an act.  Eventually, I did find my son without actively searching for him when he had just turned 23 years old on Genes Reunited.  The rage and pain I actively controlled came out finally but I still mourn the loss of my baby, I will never get him back.   My son was shocked I found him without actively searching and had been searching for 5 years.  He found my family but at that time my family didn’t know where I was due to a massive argument I’d had with my sister and by this time we had moved.  My son was hurt that my parents hadn’t told me they had contact with him for two years when I got back in touch with them.  There was absolutely no good reason why they didn’t tell me and the poor excuse was they didn’t know if my husband knew about him.  My sister told me they didn’t know where I was so I don’t know what they were telling her – I didn’t have contact with her for 12 years.  I didn’t want to fall out with her again as we have got on better since our dad died.

My son and I don’t talk now.  We both made mistakes but he won’t accept he was just as much to blame as me when we had disagreements.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

s

Groundhog Day

I haven’t felt like posting for some time due to COVID-19 and lockdown as each day seems the same.  We had one bit of good news though that the latest great-niece, Savanna, was born on the 29th April 2020.  Had it not been for lockdown we would have seen Savanna by now as it was my sister and brother-in-law’s 40th wedding anniversary on the 10th May 2020.  We will be very happy when travelling restrictions have been lifted.

Tempers have been tested over the past weeks which isn’t helped by the fact that we both suffer from depression.  On top of that, neither of us has been sleeping well but it doesn’t help that our normal routine has been disrupted.  I am really missing not being able to swim as it helps my joints.  Both my shoulders have been constantly aching which also doesn’t help when trying to sleep.

We have also had four new additions as our little Storm has had kittens.  They are so cute and it will be at least another four weeks yet before they can be rehomed provided a certain person resists the urge to keep them all – so far it’s only one.

Some happiness during this time

Two days ago one of our nieces had her third child, another daughter, which is lovely news.  My sister has found it hard not seeing her grandchildren but now that there is relaxing of the number of people who can be together she had her two granddaughters while their mum was in the hospital.  She was able to go home four hours after having her baby.  My sister is very happy to cuddle the latest edition.

I still find it tough at moments when a family baby is born as I know each one will be loved equally with all the children.  My baby wasn’t even given a chance although I do believe my dad and sister would have loved him.  My mum couldn’t even make a pretence of liking my son when he turned up as an adult.  I will never, ever forget my mum telling me she didn’t understand why he wanted to know me when his adoptive family was his only family.  I was tempted to let rip that his ‘only family’ couldn’t give him medical information, where he got his interests but I knew she wasn’t interested and didn’t want to know either.  To this day I can not understand why a mother can be so determined that her daughter’s baby is adopted and then never want anything to do with the child when he / she is an adult.  It goes way beyond spite. it’s evil and borders on being a narcissist.  It’s something that never really surprised me but it still hurts.

I am thankful we are seeing the light beyond the tunnel with regards to the lockdown as it’s getting more and more stressful not being able to do anything or go anywhere.  It’s not that I particularly want to go far it’s more to do with being restricted and not being able to do something different.  I’ve started getting back to old hobbies such as writing and sketching.  I’ve ‘enrolled’ myself for a year to do passable comic sketching which will be challenging.  Now I am just waiting for stuff to arrive so I can get on with it.  Wool has come out ag0ain to crotchet basic blankets although I have bought myself a crochet book to teach myself more complicated things.

November 2020
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
30