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‘I knew there was something missing from my life’: The incredible story of three siblings who met for the first time in their sixties after being given away for adoption to three different families

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-13777913/ITV-Long-Lost-Family-brings-three-siblings-adopted-strangers-sixties.html

‘I knew there was something missing from my life’: The incredible story of three siblings who met for the first time in their sixties after being given away for adoption to three different families

     Episode six of Long Lost Family airs on ITV1 and ITVX tonight at 9pm

By Emma Pryer

Published: 16:55, 25 August 2024 | Updated: 08:44, 26 August 2024

When Mary Arbuthnot opened a letter from her dying father, Richard, more than 20 years ago, she had no idea it would change the course of her life.  The sealed, brown envelope with ‘Mary’ on the front contained some paperwork and a note, reading: ‘Alright Queen. If you want to find out any info, here are the numbers. Love always, Mum and Dad.’

One of the phone numbers her father had provided was for a Liverpool adoption agency a call to them began what turned out to be a long quest to find her birth family.  The agency’s records revealed that Mary’s birth mother was an unmarried Irish woman called Rita O’Reilly, who had been living in London but for some reason travelled to Liverpool for Mary’s birth in 1965 and that Rita had also given birth to two other children, a girl born in 1960 and a boy born in 1962.  Mary, from West Derby, a suburb of Liverpool, was stunned.  ‘I’d known since I was seven that I was adopted as a ten week-old baby, but I’d had such a great childhood with my brother, who was also adopted, that I never thought any more of it.’

So happy was she, that she had often yearned for other siblings. Now she was left overwhelmed by the news she actually had two she’d never met.  Named Bridget and George, they were born in London. And, like her, they had been adopted, each to a different family. Unusually, they shared the same father, an Irishman called Jim Melody.  ‘I was so shocked. It was a strange feeling because I’ve had a happy life, but there was always this thing that something was missing,’ says Mary, 58.

Meeting her brother and sister, she felt, would make her life complete.  That same year, 2002, she spoke to a counsellor at the Nugent Adoption agency, who was able to give her some more information about her birth parents and siblings.  It threw up a mix of emotions.  Mary had always imagined her birth mother as a vulnerable teenager, forced by poverty or family disapproval to give up her baby.  ‘Back in the Sixties, it would have been hard under those circumstances,’ says Mary, 58.

Instead, she discovered that her mother was 34 when she had given birth to her and had already given two babies away.  ‘That didn’t sit well with me. I’m not angry at all, I just can’t fathom how any woman can give a whole family away. She was offered help by the Church but still chose to give us away.’

For the first time, Mary began to have doubts about trying to find her brother and sister: would they even want to be found?

‘Did they know about me and, if so, why hadn’t they come searching?’ she says. ‘Part of me thought that if I started looking and they didn’t want to be involved, I’d be sorry.’

For the time being, Mary busy with her career as a hairdresser and her role as a mother to Stephanie, now 38, and Richard, now 30 put the search out of her mind.  Then, three years later, her father died.  That loss seemed to trigger an even more powerful longing for the siblings she had never met. She found herself glued to the heartbreaking stories of adoption and reunion on ITV’s Long Lost Family, the programme that reunites relatives separated by adoption.  In 2022, after yet another tear-jerking episode and a full 20 years since her father had given her the letter Mary finally decided to take a chance. She filled out an application to the show and then, as life got busy, almost forgot about it.  Five months later, she received an unexpected phone call.  ‘It was one of the Long Lost Family team who wanted to ask some more questions. I nearly dropped the phone!’ she says.

Because she had her siblings’ dates of birth, the team was able to make a quick breakthrough.  They found her brother George and sister Bridget who was now called Andrea. Not only were they both alive and well, but were living just 40 miles apart from one another, 240 miles south of Mary.  In an upcoming episode of the series, co-host Davina McCall breaks the news to Mary at her home in Liverpool.  ‘It was just unbelievable,’ Mary recalls. ‘It was a life-changing moment, that’s the only way I can explain it. I started shaking because even though I’d known about them, it was another thing to actually be told “we’ve found them”.’

George and Andrea, meanwhile, were dealing with their own sense of shock after each receiving a letter from Long Lost Family explaining they had a sister who was trying to trace them.  Andrea Tovey, 64, a former civil servant from Gillingham in Kent, initially thought the letter was a scam.  ‘I was a bit suspicious. It was just such a shock to get a letter saying my sister was wanting to find me when I never knew I had one,’ the mum of two admits.

It was even more of an ‘unbelievable, wonderful shock’ to be told that she also had a brother.  Today, as the three of them speak, there is an undeniable ease and warmth between them.  They fall into a casual, comfortable patter as if they’ve known each other for decades, not months.  With similar laid-back demeanours and endearingly gentle laughs, only Mary’s soft Liverpudlian accent gives away the fact the trio didn’t grow up together.nnAs Mary jokingly cuts across from George as he proudly claims responsibility for the reunion he had been looking for his two sisters for more than four years and was just days away from finding them himself before Long Lost Family got in touch you can see they have already developed that unmistakable knack for jovial sibling bickering.  They chuckle about the obvious physical similarities: ‘We are all very pale,’ laughs Mary, ‘and if you look at the shape of our eyes and mouths I think it’s the same’.

Unlike Mary, both George and Andrea were raised as only children.  Born in Highgate, London, and raised in Gillingham, Andrea had always known she was adopted. Like Mary, she had a blissfully happy childhood, brought up principally by her father, Leonard, after her adoptive mother Betty died of cancer when she was just six.  Andrea had pulled her birth records as a young adult, but as she was the first child to be born to Rita O’Reilly, there was no mention of a younger brother or sister.  Life was busy and fulfilling and she decided not to chase after her parents in case they weren’t interested in meeting.  Born in Hackney and raised in Loughton, Essex, George Buttwell, 62, had also known he was adopted as long as he could remember. Like his sisters, he had a happy childhood, leaving him with little urgency to uncover his past.  In 1998, his wife, Lesley, saw a programme about accessing adoption records, which piqued steel fixer George’s interest. He applied for his adoption paperwork and original birth certificate, which provided brief details about his birth parents.  But it was really only years later in 2019 that his search got going. George’s youngest daughter, Lindsey, 34, bought him a DNA test as a gift. The results opened a new chapter, throwing up relatives he never knew he had in Ireland and London. He began to discover more about his past than he had ever imagined.  George’s DNA test linked him to a second cousin in Ireland and through him and another member of his extended family, he heard he had two sisters for the first time.  ‘Knowing that, I became determined to find them,’ says the father of three.

He then decided to explore a hunch that his sisters might have been born at the same Catholic nursing home in London as him. St Margaret’s no longer existed, but he was told he might be able to find out more about his sisters through the Catholic Children’s Society in Westminster. Its records contained the full names and dates of birth for his sisters.  His local council adoption service agreed to contact his sisters on his behalf and was just doing some final legal checks when the letter arrived from Long Lost Family.  ‘I’d been looking for four years by that stage. I told [the adoption service] to call off the search. It was amazing news but perhaps not as much of a surprise as it was to Andrea, who didn’t know about either of us.’

Last November, the three siblings finally came face-to-face in a Liverpool hotel in emotional scenes which will be broadcast tonight.  As Davina explains as they wait to meet: ‘It is very rare for Long Lost Family to find and bring together three full siblings all of whom until today have been complete strangers to one another.’

Andrea was first in the room; her heart in her mouth.  ‘It actually felt like quite a while before they came in and I started getting emotional before,’ she recalls. ‘It was something I’d never believed could happen after all this time but it was so nice. We held hands as we talked and we just seemed to get on straight away.’

George agrees. ‘It did feel like we were all family. You could feel that straight away that we’ve got this thing in common, no matter how far we’ve drifted.’

Now, though, the sibling bond appears to be growing stronger with every passing month. They have an official family WhatsApp Group called O’Reilly Melody after the surnames of their birth parents.  In January, less than two months after the show, they came together again at George’s Essex home, where a picture of the three of them now takes pride of place in the living room.  A second reunion followed in June, with a pub lunch in London and another trip to George’s house to share notes on their histories and meet extended family.  Just this week, George’s daughter Sarah, 38, flew in from Spain and Andrea was there to meet her.  Small things mean a lot: for Mary, it’s been a thrill to send birthday and Christmas cards to her brother and sister for the very first time.  The growing bond feels so natural that Mary has even taken to cutting Andrea’s hair.  ‘Every time I’ve seen her she’s blow-dried my hair and last time she actually cut it. I’ve never looked so glamorous,’ smiles Andrea.

But for all the joy of getting to know one another (Andrea even jokes she shares the same love for the TV detective, Columbo, as George) there is sadness for the missed years they could have had together.  ‘I know that my parents would have adopted the other two if they’d have known and we could have all been together, as we should have been,’ says Mary.

The siblings have discovered that Jim Melody passed away around 20 years ago and Rita O’Reilly around ten years later. As they were unmarried, Jim was buried in Ireland and Rita in Finchley, North London. From what they have gathered from relatives, the siblings understand that Rita and Jim lived together on and off for 40 years, but the real nature of their relationship remains a mystery: the pair have taken to the grave many unanswered questions for Mary, Andrea and George.  ‘For the time they were living in, for their background, it would have made a lot of sense to get married, so why didn’t they?, George, who has visited his mother’s grave, has often wondered.  Why did their mother have them adopted, and to different families?

And why, when Rita and Jim appeared to travel from Dublin to London together, did Rita keep leaving their London address and flitting to different areas?

For now at least, the unresolved questions are overshadowed by the joy of finding one another.  ‘I’ve got ideas of what I’d like to do if I get to the point of retiring, but this has given me this extra positive feeling. It’s this happy unknown future now and there’s already this genuine love there with us,’ says Andrea.

‘It’s a feeling you can’t really describe because it’s something I’ve never experienced before,’ says Mary. ‘It was like I’d already known them forever.’

    Episode six of Long Lost Family airs on ITV1 and ITVX on August 25th, at 9pm

Almost a volatile time

It felt strange talking about Anthony with my cousin as I didn’t say much about him when sending letters to my parents who rarely mentioned him.  Of course my mum was extremely annoyed about Anthony wanted me and my family in his life but the extent of this came out over the next year or so.  My sister and I hadn’t had any contact for six years by this time and it would another five years and our mum dying before  we did.

Rick had joined the site that Anthony had set up and he had included Rick’s family tree on the site, we were administrators of that side. When I thought about the early days it was difficult as Rick had his issues to deal with and Anthony had problems accepting him.  Rick wasn’t his father who wouldn’t accept Anthony but it got easier.

Anthony and I started chatting on msn messenger as we had fallen out over the adoption papers a few weeks previously although we have been sending the occasional email.  We could both be stubborn at the best of times but I was relieved we talking again.  The fall out with Anthony at that time was due to Anthony wanting to ask questions about the adoption papers but as I had never seen them I couldn’t answer him. When I tried to talk to him about the papers he kicked off so I sent him an email stating why certain things had been crossed out and replaced with other words. I also let him know what was true and what wasn’t.

*This was a period when life was good with the occasional hiccup.  I was getting used to the occasional bad times from my son and was just letting it go over my head.  At times I would be bewildered why he would suddenly be angry.  I also knew I wouldn’t get a reasonable response back if I asked as I was expected to be psychic and just know.  Eventually I found out he had been as bad with my family although by 2006 I saw it as understandable with my mum as she had lied to him.  Me knowing my parents could have been honest to both of us since late 2001 contributed to this.  My dad was forgiven much quicker as he knew exactly what my mum was like so it was easier than dealing with her wrath.

At this time I couldn’t stop thinking about why I couldn’t remember signing the Consent to Relinquish form.  A friend from an online group, Empty Arms, seemed to think we possibly signed the form at a magistrate’s home rather than at court but I was sure I hadn’t done either. If I did go to a magistrate’s home or court then I certainly had a big whole in my memory – it was almost scary.

*As it turned out I didn’t get the Consent to Relinquish form and eventually I just gave up.  I kept trying periodically but was constantly given the run around so in the end I got tired and fed up of the stress it was causing.

Journaling

I first started a journal back in September 2004 and several weeks after finding my son.  I had stated posting on an adoption forums and someone suggested doing so as a way to help myself cope.  Up until I found my son I had been silent, not even talking to my husband about him.  It had been a family member who had told my husband about my son about six months after we had married.

My adoption journey had started back in 1981 when my son was born on the 3rd August.  I had split from his father soon after I fell pregnant and didn’t tell him when I found out.  It was wrong not to.  I was angry and didn’t want him to have anything to do with my baby nor did I think he would believe that the baby was his.  However I wanted to raise my son so kept quiet long enough not to be pressured into aborting by my parents.

When my parents found out they were so angry and decided my baby was to be adopted.  My mother arranged everything despite me not agreeing to it and refusing to talk about it.  The first time I saw a social worker from the adoption agency was after my son was born.  I told her how I felt and she told me she would put a halt to the adoption.  This didn’t happen and between her and my mother they constantly lied to me.  I believed the lies, didn’t know my rights, didn’t see any paperwork and it is questionable I signed anything so I was a complete walkover.

I was expected to get on with my life, never talk about my son and to forget about him.  I got on with my life, didn’t talk about my son but I never forgot about him.  Subsequently I suffer with depression to the point of being suicidal at times and self harmed.

It was a shock when I found my son in 2004 days after his 23rd birthday on Genes Reunited.  It turned out he had been searching for me for five years and had found my family quite quickly.  They never told me nor did they ever tell him where I was.  I was so angry at the time although I didn’t let him know that.  It was a few weeks before I let my parents know I had found my son.  Their excuse for not telling me about contact was that they didn’t know if my husband knew about him.  All I could assume was either they were telling the truth or they did know what a family member had done.  I didn’t want this to get the better of me so left it at that.

However with reunion my emotions exploded to the surface and I found it hard to cope.  So when the suggestion of keeping a journal was given I jumped at it.  I had been silent for 23 years and now it was my time to talk even if it was by the written word.  I started a journal on the forums I belonged to at that time as I wanted to share my feelings.

Reflecting

I had very good intentions of getting my story written here but life has a habit of getting in the way.  Different projects/hobbies have started up again such as writing knitting and having pets who are life savers.

My first 18 years on this planet were very average and I was very good girl not getting into trouble apart from the usual of maybe getting home late, fighting with my sister and so on.  This changed after getting into a relationship then splitting up around my 19th birthday.  It devastated me at the time as the  lad believed a lie told by his cousin and refused to listen to the truth.

Eventually I knew I was pregnant but didn’t tell the father as I was angry and hurting.  I kept quiet long enough not to be pressured into having an abortion although certain people who can’t defend themselves now would have disputed that.  My mother was furious, my father didn’t say much, and she was determined my baby would be adopted.  I refused to agree to that and wouldn’t discuss it.  My baby needed me not strangers, I already loved my unborn baby.

I still have moments when memories creep up on me suddenly that I force myself not to cry over.  My mother was so cruel yet I couldn’t talk to anybody as I didn’t think they would believe me.  Fear of my mother finding out scared me too much to talk to anybody as she would make me suffer emotionally and verbally behind closed doors.  I loved her but we just seemed to bring out the worst of each other yet in public it was the opposite.  It’s sad as we did have so much in common such as reading the same types of book, knitting, music, films, television and so on.  I lived for the happy times when we were all happy.

Mother Denied Justice Campaigns to Transform the Family Courts

https://filia.org.uk/latest-news/2021/12/22/mother-denied-justice-campaigns-to-transform-the-family-courts

Mother Denied Justice Campaigns to Transform the Family Courts

By Victoria Hudson, Founder of #JusticeForFCchildren #GetMHome and campaigner for the Redress/Justice For Family Court Children.

Victoria Hudson has been campaigning for several years to increase the protection of domestic abuse survivors and children who become entangled in the family court system. Tragically, Victoria and her daughter have themselves experienced untold suffering, trauma, and harm at the hands of the family courts.

Victoria, who campaigns under the banner #JusticeforFCchildren, worked alongside other campaigners to successfully lobby the Government to review unsafe contact orders and the removal of children by the family courts. A report, published by the Ministry of Justice in June 2020 laid bare many hard truths about long-standing failings, including harming children by placing them in danger by “enabling the continued control of children and adult victims of domestic abuse by alleged abusers, as well as the continued abuse of victims and children.”[1]

Victoria is now passionately driven to bring about the radical changes necessary to protect domestic abuse survivors and their children from harmful and unjust state systems and structures, by making the family courts and their proceedings more transparent.

Like too many other women experiencing domestic violence and abuse, instead of protecting them, the state colluded with Victoria’s abuser in the most punishing way possible by severing mother and child. In September 2018, Victoria’s daughter (then aged 2) was physically and forcibly removed from her family home and placed under a Care Order with her ex-partner, who is not biologically related to her. Many other children in domestic abuse cases are severed from their mothers by adoption; the mother being blamed for the abuse rather than protected, and their right to family life permanently erased.

For Victoria and other mothers in her position, it is ironic that the Joint Committee on Human Rights, is conducting an inquiry into hundreds of forced adoptions that severed babies from unmarried mothers during the 1950s to 1970s, when mothers experiencing domestic abuse are currently facing similar infringements of human rights in the family courts.

Victoria is requesting the Ministry of Justice immediately review of her case in the family courts and is requesting the Joint Committee on Human Rights conduct an inquiry into whether family court decisions are breaching rights to family life.

[1] “Assessing Risk of Harm to Children and Parents in Private Law Children Cases” (Ministry of Justice, June 2020)

If you want to support Victoria’s campaign, you can do three things:

  1. First and foremost, email a letter to Lord David Wolfson MP, Minister for Family Courts to request that he instigates an immediate review of Victoria’s own case in the family courts. If successful, this will provide a test case for the campaign and lead to further reviews. Use this letter to draft your own. His email is wolfsond@parliament.uk

  2. You can also email a letter to Ms Harriet Harman MP, Chair of the Joint Committee on Human Rights, requesting that alongside the current review into historic forced adoptions, she also orchestrates a review of family court decisions in relation to their impact upon the rights of children and birth mothers to family life. Use this letter to draft your own. Her email is harriet.harman.mp@parliament.uk

  3. Help Victoria to get more supporters and allies by following and sharing #JusticeforFCchildren on Twitter @Victoria_Hudson and Facebook facebook.com/getmhome

[1] “Assessing Risk of Harm to Children and Parents in Private Law Children Cases” (Ministry of Justice, June 2020)

Depression and adoption

For many years I have suffered from depression – too many years – which became severe when my son was born and I emotionally broke down.  Unfortunately, I didn’t realize I suffered from depression until many years later and I was suicidal but knew I didn’t really want to die.  I believed what I was told, that I was moody, there were people far worse off than me and I didn’t have anything to be depressed about.

Even in my teens, I was prone to suicidal thoughts which I couldn’t understand and I felt guilty for my thoughts.  I didn’t have anybody I felt I could trust enough not to say anything about how I felt.  Suffering in silence isn’t worth it.

When my son was adopted life really wasn’t worth living for but wanting to kill myself was scarier to deal with.  I couldn’t trust anybody as my parents had betrayed my trust.  Instead, I put on an act so even now very few people know me 100%.  I find it hard to explain how I feel on a daily basis to anybody which is generally feeling extremely low mst of the time.

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