“Why is abortion illegal??? In my opinion all birth mothers who gave up children WILLINGLY belong in jail. I would rather have been aborted. This existence of not being apart of two families and being unable to have children of my own is unbearable.”
This is a post on one of the adoption related groups I belong too on Facebook which really got my back up. I have been a member of various adoption groups and forums since late 2004 and am saddened that education is still as bad now as it was 16 years ago. The problem is this person knows exactly what they are getting at but from the point of view of a mother, I’m not the only one, that ‘willingly’ gave up my son as that’s how the adoption industry portrays. I do know there are mothers who really didn’t want their children and haven’t wanted reunion but they are a minority. My point is that I’m still willing to speak out that willing surrendering of a child isn’t that common and people should educate themselves. From my son’s point of view he knows what it’s like to be rejected by his father and to a certain extent by a family member.
The reality is we didn’t willingly give our children up, they were taken away / stolen because of the greed of adoption agencies and our mothers didn’t want us to be single mothers / it was shameful to have a baby out of wedlock.
Of course these days there is a big difference between the UK and the US these days as private adoption stopped in the UK. With mothers having access to benefits saw the decline of infant adoption in the UK although forced adoption still continues – forced adoptions are illegal but extremely difficult for parents to stop.
I shouldn’t have responded to the post as I still get attacked for telling the truth because people accuse me of not reading properly, in denial that I ‘chose’ adoption, I regret the ‘decision’ and so on, My response was because of the amount of people who haven’t believed the truth over the years and they will never understand the pain they cause.
“….. …. I am one of those mothers who you reduce to the act of giving birth. I, like many other mothers, chose life for my son, I wanted to raise him but he was stolen from me because my mother didn’t want a daughter to be a single mother. It was harder to adopt babies by the time my son was born as mothers knew their rights. I lost my son because my mother and the adoption agency lied to me and it was 23 years later I found out the truth. I don’t even know who signed the Consent to Surrender when he was 6 weeks old as it was very conveniently lost yet I was able to have all the other relevant paperwork post reunion which should have been given to me 23 years previously. None of the information was given by me and the only truth was a description of me and his father. It was that bad that there was two completely different jobs down for his father but he had never done either of them. Instead of spewing out your ignorance try educating yourself.”
Maybe I should have made myself crystal clear that to the world I ‘willingly’ gave my son up and been more polite at the end but I’m tired of being polite. I’m tired of people coming across as ignorant, not educating or show that they have educated themselves. I’m tired of mothers are made out to willingly getting rid of their children. On the other hand he could have been more specific – how do I know if he knows that not all adoptions will done willingly.
The response I got back was from a female:
” ….. I re-read the original post. No where does it say that all mothers gave their babies up willingly, only those that did should go to jail. Adoptees have the right to their feelings on this.”
That just got my back up as I never said adoptees don’t have a right to their feelings on anything let alone this one thing. She didn’t get my point that people assume mothers choose adoption then think it’s okay to attack a mother for telling her truth for the reasons already given. So my response back I thought she would accept even if she didn’t agree with me:
“…. I completely agree you and I have had many conversations with my son which have been painful. However, mothers also have a right to our opinions and I found the op hurtful as it comes across as all mothers. I have also got to know many adoptees over the years which includes ones that have been rejected by mothers and/ or fathers. They have been left devastated and I haven’t had the words to explain why a mother will do this because I don’t understand why a mother will reject her child. I may have misunderstood the post but at the same time you have no right to put me down.”
Second mistake and got back this response which left me even more frustrated:
“I didn’t put you down, just pointed out you misread the post. Telling an adoptee to “educate themselves” on adoption is the height of arrogance. We lived it every day of our lives.“
I didn’t actually say that and she made an assumption – what I meant was educate themselves on why mothers ‘surrender’ and it’s not always what adoptees or anyone else believes. No social worker will write in the paperwork that the mother wants to raise her child because that means they can’t force the adoption through unless it’s in the best interests of the child. Obviously, if a parent not just the mother is a real threat to their child they shouldn’t be allowed to parent. Must have touched a nerve for her to accuse me of arrogance. I have opinions and if someone doesn’t like it that just makes them human and they can agree to disagree with me. I have spent too many years of being a people pleaser, allowed myself to be put down, walked over and made to feel worthless. I have a right to my opinion and I will give it so again if people don’t like it they can ignore me.
My final response was this:
“…. you don’t know me so you have no right to call me arrogant, you don’t know how evil my mother – she told my son I didn’t want to be found amongst other things, and, one day a couple of months before he moved in with us she didn’t understand why he wanted to know me as I was nothing to him and his only family was his adoptive family – she was extremely cruel. I don’t know your situation so how would you like to be told that you are nothing to a natural family member? Would you be happy with that? There are some adoptees that I have known over the years who have continually come out with hurtful comments towards mothers but I took the time to get to know them and why they said the things they did and yes they have the right to do so based on their experiences. Guess what? I learned to respect them and have explained to other non adoptees why I haven’t said anything, can you think why? They got to know me as well and have said their comments aren’t aimed at me personally. Yes adoptees live adoption every day, I haven’t said they don’t. What I’m saying is adoptees should accept that mothers have a right to say how they feel. I spent 23 years living in shame, then, being constantly being put down by adoptees and adopters who didn’t have a clue what I or others have been through. We, mothers, have as much right to tell our truths as adoptees. If you don’t want to know ignore every mother who wants to tell the truth. Oh and you’re the one who is being arrogant but if you want a civilised conversation with me stop putting me down. One good lesson I learned is if you want respect give it. Unless you want to be civilised I will listen like I have with every adoptee I’ve known which includes two adoptees who are legally 2nd cousins of mine. If you think your life has been tough think about adoptees (international adoption) who are very unlikely to find their natural families.” …. “… I forgot to add that my son believed I chose adoption so technically I had every right to post my response.”