Dwelling on the past

with the I am going through one of my dwelling too much on the past periods.  Having lockdown for a few months and now easing of lockdown rules hasn’t helped either as my concentration levels aren’t good.  It doesn’t help not sleeping very well so I’m constantly exhausted but when I go to bed I feel wide awake.

We are going away for a break soon which is a positive and I’m looking forward to seeing family.  At least it will be a happier time than last year on our last visit as we were there for our great neice’s funeral.  The family knew that she wouldn’t live because of Edward’s Syndrome although she did live for a day but it didn’t make it any easier.  This time Bandit will be with us so I am hoping he behaves himself with the children.  He likes children with my main worry being him jumping up at the younger ones unless he decides to be shy.

The latest addition, Savanna, was born on the 29th April so I am really looking forward to seeing her.  Unfortunately having too much time on my hands it’s given me time to think of my own grief not just because I didn’t raise my son, we no longer talk I will never know my grandson.  Unless a mother has gone through illegal adoption it’s impossible to understand the feelings of loss, an invisible amputation and the grief that goes with it.  When a baby dies people understand why a mother grieves, can never forget, learns to move forward and learns how to deal with the grief.  Adoption is different as the baby lives but the mother is in limbo unless there an open or semi-open adoption in place.  I was in limbo for 23 years and my way of ‘copin’ was emotionally shutting down and not talk.  Subsequently when I found my son I had to deal with my emotions.  Of course the added problem was becoming more depressed than I already was to the point of not eating, sleeping then eventually seeking professional help.

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August 2020