Monthly Archives: July 2025
Talking about adoption
4th April 2005
Been a better day today. Helped by having a decent conversation in the chat room (online forum) yesterday, made me realise how lucky I am compared to others who have greater problems than me.
A couple of hours ago one of the church members came round to see us to let us know he wanted to give us his car.
Typical I start something and company turns up so will have to come back to this later.
Rick and I knew John was getting a new car at some point so as our car ‘died’ a while back we have been saving up money for another although Rick had offered to buy John’s car when he got his new one. I was absolutely gobsmacked when John said he didn’t want any money for the car so we will give money to the church instead. John brought up about Paul, so we didn’t mind telling him why we were so upset particularly me. He knew about our idea for a support group and after listening to what we both said he understand why we felt the way we did. John said it would need to be prayed about but also said he knew it was going to happen. I was pleased he had that attitude and surprised that John said Paul was set in his ways despite being basically a good person at heart. John feels that Paul needs to be educated about adoption issues, but it would be wasted on him as he is too set in his ways so just wouldn’t understand. He also thinks Paul is out of order though for his attitude particularly after finding out the full story of my connection to adoption. John went on to tell us about his aunt’s six children who were all adopted but are now reunited with the rest of the family and they are all Christians. He also mentioned that there are grandparents in the church who had grandchildren adopted – it’s amazing to hear someone talk about this subject without any prejudice. I am so choked to be shown such love from someone I hardly know.
*Paul is an elder of the church we went to before moving down south and he did end up being a good friend once we sorted out our differences. He had given us the impression that he thought all mothers were drug users/and or prostitutes which really upset me at the time. It took us several weeks to sort the differences out as Paul kept putting his foot in it with me so for a while, I was avoiding him.
I found attitudes were, overall, positive towards me when friends found out about my son. Occasionally there were awkward moments which I learned to deal with even if it meant changing the subject. There were also the well-intentioned comments about how ‘wonderful’ it was that we had reunited. I would take a deep breath, smile, and just nod my head. At times I wanted to scream at them that no it wasn’t wonderful, and my son should never have been adopted. People meant well and I knew that I had two choices; either watch what I said or be honest. With time I learnt to say it how it was in a calm way.
Memories
18th July 2010
I first started a journal back in September 2004 and several weeks after finding my son. I had stated posting on an adoption forum when someone suggested doing so as a way to help myself cope. Up until I found my son, I had been silent, not even talking to my husband about him. It had been my sister who had told my husband about my son about six months after we had married.
My adoption journey had started back in 1981 when my son was born on the 3rd August. I had split from his father soon after I fell pregnant and didn’t tell him when I found out. It was wrong not to. I was angry and didn’t want him to have anything to do with my baby nor did I think he would believe that the baby was his. However, I wanted to raise my son so kept quiet long enough not to be pressured into aborting by my parents. They had done this to my sister when she was 15 and had fallen pregnant. She and her boyfriend who was working wanted to raise their baby, but it wasn’t to be.
When my parents found out they were so angry and decided my baby was to be adopted. They arranged everything despite me not agreeing to it and refusing to talk about it. The first time I saw a social worker from the adoption agency was after my son was born. I told her how I felt, and she told me she would put a halt to the adoption. This didn’t happen and between her and my parents they constantly lied to me. I believed the lies, didn’t know my rights, didn’t see any paperwork and it is questionable I signed anything, so I was a complete walkover.
I was expected to get on with my life, never talk about my son and to forget about him. I got on with my life, didn’t talk about my son but I never forgot about him. Subsequently I suffer with depression to the point of being suicidal at times and self-harmed.
It was a shock when I found my son in 2004 days after his 23rd birthday on Genes Reunited. It turned out he had been searching for me for five years and had found my family quite quickly. They never told me, nor did they ever tell him where I was. I was so angry at the time although I didn’t let him know that. It was a few weeks before I let my parents know I had found my son. Their excuse for not telling me about contact was that they didn’t know if my husband knew about him. All I could assume was either they were telling the truth, or they did know what my sister had done. I didn’t want this to get the better of me so left it at that.
However, with reunion my emotions exploded to the surface, and I found it hard to cope. So, when the suggestion of keeping a journal was given, I jumped at it. I had been silent for 23 years and now it was my time to talk even if it was by the written word. I started a journal on the forums I belonged to at that time as I wanted to share my feelings.
‘Just say sorry’, say forcibly adopted women
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/czdvg3y1jgeo
‘Just say sorry’, say forcibly adopted women
Fiona Irving & Jody Sabral
BBC News, South East
Cash Murphy
BBC News, South East
- Published14 July 2025
Two Kent women who were removed from their mothers when they were just weeks old and forcibly adopted say they need the government to formally apologise in order to help them recover from the trauma.
“Why can’t they just say sorry? They haven’t got the guts,” said Helen Weston from Yalding who was taken from her 15-year-old mother when she was 12 days old.
Nikki Paine, from Ashford, who was adopted at six weeks old, and was diagnosed with PTSD, says she just wants an acknowledgement of what happened to her.
A demonstration is due to take place on Wednesday to urge the government to apologise to the hundreds of people forcibly adopted during the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s as well as their mothers.
An inquiry by the human rights select committee, undertaken in 2021, looked at the experiences of children adopted across this period because their parents were either underage or not married.
Published in July 2022, its report recommended a formal apology after finding that babies were taken from mothers who did not want to let them go.
The Welsh and Scottish governments have officially apologised to those affected by forced adoptions, but the UK government so far has not.
‘Wracked with guilt’
Ms Weston said: “If we get the validation then maybe my birth mother won’t be so wracked with guilt and shame and keeping this dreadful secret.”
She was adopted in 1967 after her teenage mother was forced to give her up.
She says it has had a profound impact on her life and was diagnosed with complex PTSD.
“I’m not angry with anybody, I think that’s why I get so depressed,” she said.
“If there was one person I could be angry at, if one person was responsible, then I could give them a gob full and get rid of it.
“They genuinely thought they were doing the best for us.”
Ms Paine, who has also been diagnosed with complex PTSD, will be among those demonstrating in Westminster on Monday.
She said: “We’re all suffering from anxiety, we’re all on antidepressants.
“The apology would get the mental health support and that’s really important.”
She said: “We want this to be recognised because they took me away from my mother.
“I’m 63-years-old and it’s still affecting my life.”
‘I wanted my real mum’
Wednesday’s protest has been organised by adoptee advocate Zara Phillips, and is supported by the Movement for an Adoption Apology.
According to the group, between 1945 and 1976 an estimated 215,000 women had their children taken away from them.
A spokesperson for the group said: “We are all growing older and time is running out.
“We have been ignored by successive governments and now urgently need a public apology for this very personal and painful lifelong trauma.”
They said: “A public apology would help mothers and adoptees change the narrative around what was done to them.
“It would acknowledge the injustice and the loss which will endure for the rest of their lives.”
Some adoptees say they feel like they do not belong in their adoptive families especially when their adoptive parents have their own birth children.
Ms Weston said: “I was adopted into a family who had two children of their own, the dynamic with my adopted family was that I was always a problem child,” said Mrs Weston.
Ms Paine echoed this sentiment, saying: “I told my mother that she never hugged me, but she said you never wanted me to, and I thought how can you say that, but of course I wanted my real mum.”
The Department for Education has been approached for a comment.
Reflection of adoption
It’s coming up for the most hated time of the year for me. It will be 44 years on the 3rd August that my son was born and it doesn’t get any easier. I shouldn’t let it get to me so much yet it still does and I still can’t talk about it either. It probably comes down to I was expected to carry on as normal as if nothing had happened.
I can still remember my son being born as is it was a recent event. There wasn’t anybody to celebrate with and my tears were of pain and sadness not happiness. I insisted on seeing him and that was the only time I felt happy knowing how beautiful he was. At the same time I knew deep down that this was one battle I wouldn’t win and I wouldn’t raise him.
Reflection on adoption
I haven’t spent time writing anything on adoption and me as it seemed easier not think about it. Even when conversations have come round to children I tend to deflect or keep quiet. My friends I.R.L don’t have an adoption connection so it can be hard to mention anything particularly as my son and I don’t talk. One friend’s daughter has been approved to adopt and I know I can talk with this friend as she knows the basics. I’d rather be able to talk to someone even as an adoptive grandmother as it may help knowing that cut backs are happening with adoption support. It’s wrong as the children need as much support as possible.
To be continued …..